Cherry Falls

So it's been a while since I did one of these. Like, a long time. But I recently have found myself with some extra time so I figured I'd try and revive this thing. And with the brilliant recommendation from my good friend Kourtney, we have this latest installment.

I give you Cherry Falls.

Now right off the bat, I gotta take issue with the title of this movie. It's the name of the town where our narrative takes place; and it could not be a more pathetically ironic name. Our story centers around a series of killings where all of the victims happen to be virgins.

Yep. Someone in this town is literally (but actually figuratively because its still a movie) sacrificing virgins. But more on those particulars later.

Let's get to the movie.

Our newest dumpster fire starts as any serial virgin slaying film would; a super dorky make out session in an old LTD that's parked in an out of the way place where no one but a crazy psychopath would think to look for vulnerable teenagers.

And to add insult to inevitable injury, the guy in this make out scenario kept stopping the lip action to tell his partner about the comic book he's writing.

*facepalm*

Dude. Stop. Like, stop right the fuck now. You got her into the car AND you convinced her, somehow, to make out with you. You're winning so far. Quit fucking it up by acting like me in high school and just go with it. 

Anyway, the dude tries to make a move for her nether bits and she shuts him down saying that she wants her first time to be special. They fight. They make up. They make out some more. That is, until they realize that a strange car has pulled up behind them.

Dude gets out to investigate and totally gets stabbed to death.

Shocker.

Oh, and the girl gets killed too. But not before the killer nails her to a tree. 

Kinda brutal if you ask me, but I'm guessing that psychotic virgin killers don't abide by the same rules and mores as us non-homicidal types.

Ethics of murder aside, we cut to our main characters; who also happen to be making out in a car. The guy is the same dude that played Alan M in Josie And The Pussycats. The girl is Brittany Murphy. 

Quick note: this is not a new movie. I thought it was when it was recommended to me. But obviously since Brittany Murphy is in it, its not. Blame Kourtney if you have any complaints.

Anyway, Alan M tries to get in Brittany's pants but she shuts him down. After a conversation between the two I can only describe as awkwardly ill-timed, Alan M blurts out that he wants to break up. But before Brittany can respond, her mom interrupts them to 1) tell Brittany she's out past curfew, 2) remind her that her father is the sheriff, 3) BLATANTLY hit on her very underage boyfriend, and 4) bum a smoke from him.

I'm not gonna get into how wrong and odd that exchange was cause I simply don't have the time.

But it was weird.

That strangeness aside, the next scene is Brittany showing up at school and noticing all of the grieving students. She is told by her ridiculously metro sexual friend Timmy that two students have been murdered.

I gotta pause real quick. I'm not tryin to say that its not possible for these kids to have feelings or that they can't be effected by death. But it seems supremely unlikely that they all actually feel pain and need to grieve like Hindi widows and wail like they're about to fling themselves on a funeral pyre.

So after a semi meaningful town hall type discussion in some kind of liberal arts class, all the students go to lunch. Which is great because high school lunch rooms are a hot bed of action, and this movie needed some movement forward if was ever gonna get to a point.

Our protagonist notices Alan M flirting with a blonde in the corner while Brittany and her apparent BFF discuss whether or not certain girls "go all the way"

This movie was made in 2000. I doubt teens at the time used that phrase in lunch rooms with such deft negation of expletives.

At this point there's a fight in the lunchroom between a guy and a girl about whether or not she gave him a blowjob. 

Wow. Blowjob is totally in my computers dictionary. Good to know.

Anyway, the fight's not super important until that same girl gets killed in the next scene.

And then gets literally (and yet still actually just figuratively) nailed to a ceiling after getting super stabbed by our killer.

The sheriff (a.k.a. Brittany's dad) goes to the morgue to get a report from the Medical Examiner and totally gets more of an explanation than any of us bargained for.

The M.E. totally used the word "anus" about twenty times. Which is super weird seeing as the first things he said were "they were all virgins" and "there were zero signs of sexual contact".

Got it. Nobody was fuckin nobody. Move the fuck on weirdo, who clearly likes to spend all his free time looking at an anus.

Cut to Brittany turning in a paper that I can only assume is super late or super early to the liberal arts teacher. Cause it's like 9 at night. Why are either of you at the school? 

Afterwards, Brittany happens upon her friend Timmy who is on his way to spy on an adults only town meeting regarding the recent murders.

As Brittany and Timmy watch the adults of the town file in, the sheriff and the principle of the school, Mr. Sizzler (wish I made up that name) have an exchange about the content of the meeting. 

Here's the highlights:

Sizzler: What are you gonna tell them?

Sheriff: That a crazy guy is killing virgins.

Sizzler: You can't do that!

Sheriff: Why not?

Sizzler: Cause we'll have a teenage fuckfest on our hands!

Pretty sure teenagers don't need the excuse of a crazy killer of virgins to throw a good ol fashioned fuckfest.

Just sayin.

Also, I just found out that "fuckface" but not "fuckfest" was in my computer's dictionary. Apparently it's selective with it's sex references.

Anyway, a fight breaks out in the meeting. Timmy takes pictures but disappears and Brittany goes searching down a dark hallway for him. She finds him in the boys locker room, dead, stuffed in a locker marked VIRGIN. After she screams, the killer drags her into a science lab of some kind but she manages to get free long enough to climb on top of a nearby cabinet and hurl glass beakers and flasks at him with the reckless abandon and visual imagery that I thought previously was only reserved for monkey's flinging poo.

Eventually, she finds a knife and takes the assailant out by cutting the wire and dropping a model shark on our killer of the carnally challenged.

Weird way to make a get away, but it worked. Somehow.

After she gets away, she gives a description to the cops. Her dad, the sheriff, calls Sizzler and says some shit like "it's her". Which is super weird but don't worry, it'll kind of make sense later.

Brittany's BFF comes into to console her. She tells Brittany that all the kids found out that the killer is targeting virgins so they organized a giant group sex party/orgy/thing. She also at one point describes this shindig as a "hymen holocaust"...

Seriously. Those were words written on a piece of paper intended for someone to read. 

Aloud.

*facepalm*

At this point, the cat is out of the proverbial bag so the school slut decides she should give a lecture on the finer points of teenage sex to the virgins of her school. Cause she's a giver; it's what she does. Like, all the time apparently.

There's a logic gap involving the age of characters and microfiche here, so I won't try and bore you. Just know that apparently the sheriff and principal raped a girl when they were younger. Ya know, the "it's her" girl from earlier.

Cut to Brittany who has gone to Alan M's house. They hang out. He starts rubbing her feet. Somehow this turns sexy and she tells him to suck on her toes. And he does. Cause he's a horny teenage boy that will do anything if he thinks there's a chance it might result in coitus. 

But then it gets weird; Brittany gets kinda violent and basically beats him with her feet until he throws a tantrum and she leaves.

This reminds me of all my adult relationships for all the reasons that don't involve feet.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN

Wow. That seemed dramatic. Like this is Lex Luthor revealing his plot to the reader or something. Cause it's totally not that exciting.

Our dad/sheriff/rapist got abducted and thrown into a trunk. 

The teacher's truck.

Also, Brittany goes over to her liberal art teachers house to give up her virginity.

Whatever. 

Teacher ends up being the killer. Him and Brittany are half siblings or something and Teacher kills a lot of people with a silver plated ax. Including dad/sheriff/rapist/other-dad.

Later when Brittany is questioned by the FBI about what happened, she lies and covers up that her dad was a criminal and that her teacher, who she had a crush on, was a throw back to the Cult of Caligula.

Why does she do this?

Fuck if I know.

What I do know?

Worst Movie Ever.

The Dead Undead

It seems I'm always asking myself if people read anymore. The answer is no. PEOPLE don't read; just a few select PERSONS. It is to one of those persons that I dedicate this installment of WME. Congrats Richard for making me take time out of the Song of Ice and Fire series to make me watch yet another shitty movie. Now, let us plunge into the Heart of Darkness, drink from  the Fountainhead, and explore the Mysterious Island known only as, "The Dead Undead".

First of all this movie starts with a montage of para-military troops and opening credits set to shitty metal music. And when I say shitty metal I mean "Cookie Monster" metal; you know, the kind that sounds like Cookie Monster is singing? That kind. Shitty.

After the credits, a group of five idiots pulls up to a broke ass motel in a broke ass Bronco. You can hear the engine knocking on the audio track. Who road trips in a car with an engine that knocks? 

My buddy Jason, that's who.

Oh yeah, Jason. I still haven't forgotten about that time we got stuck in Wichita Falls in that Olds you had. I knew we should have taken John's Volvo.

Whatever.

Anyway, our introductory cast gets out of the car; Pansy, Creepy, Curly, Drunkard and Summer. And before you say it, I know. We're just two short of the seven dwarves. But alas, I made a joke like that a few entries ago. Read up bitches.

After the exodus from the car, Drunkard (female BTW) goes to get a room but finds that no one is working at the moment. Do they decide to find another motel? No! The gang goes down to the nearby lake for a swim. Oh, and the lake has some fuckin sort of algae/jelly like substance floating on it. Seriously, I know it’s a low budget film, but this lake makes Joe Pool look classy.

They finish the swim and head back to the hotel. Still no one working, so they do what anyone would do; steal room keys.

At this point I was thinking, "You're gonna steal from hillbillies in the middle of nowhere?" but before I even finished the thought, Pansy says, "Should we keep the guns in the truck"?

Finally. A group of city folk who had the sense God gave lettuce to bring guns on their trip to the country.

Doesn't matter though. Most of this has actually been a Red Herring. Soon, Summer gets in the shower (no nudity, might I add), Drunkard gets drunk and Curly gets assaulted by a midget who bleeds all over her. Or a child. Midget? Child? What's the difference?

Pansy and Creepy come to Curly's aid while Summer is getting out of the shower. Soon they round up Drunkard, put her in the same room with the other girls (oh yeah, Curly is a girl) and go to find the weapons. They fail at this because zombies kill them but those zombies are killed by the para-military troops from our opener. Military dudes kill any zombies they see and proceed to sweep the motel.

All the while it seems Curly was scratched by the midget/child/zombie and is turning in to a zombie herself. Para-military busts in and puts everything right. By that I mean they kill Curly. Shot her in the face. Brains everywhere. Evisceration of grey matter. A sort of cranial disembowelment.

Too much?

Summer thought so. She ran out of the room with Drunkard and go to the van.

Meanwhile this random guy walks out of the brush with a gun and says he’s a human. Mail Man (para-military) believes him and lets him join the group. I call the random guy Hubby and Mail Man is aptly named because he’s wearing chain mail. Why is he wearing chain mail? Aside from its obvious armor properties, he’s a Viking. But that comes later.

The body count at this point is pretty high. Let’s name our remaining new characters and recap our original cast that still lives.

From the para-military group we got Aussie (he’s Australian), Big Gun McGee (he’s got a big gun and that’s not a penis joke), Doc (that’s slightly relevant later), Hubby (he’s looking for his lost wife), Mail Man and Red Head.

From our starting five hikers, only Drunkard and Summer still remain.

Scratch that. Drunkard just stole the van to try and make a getaway but wrecks it into the only telephone pole in Podunk, Nowhereville. Women drivers. Am I right?

Whatever the case, now we gotta do the rest of this movie with only one original cast member. Oh and we find out that Mail Man has been bitten but wants to keep fighting so they equip him with an explosive belt so they can kill him before he turns.

At this point we learn that the zombies aren’t just zombies; they’re zombie vampires. Yup. Together at last.

Then a car explodes and more ZV’s (zombie vampires) come with a vengeance. While Mail Man and Red Head fight them with swords, Big Gun, Doc and Aussie fight them off with an M60, Grenade Launcher and M16 respectively.

Red Head sees he’s wearing an explosive belt and gets pissed. Mail Man says it's all good and that they’ll see each other in Valhalla. The battle starts to wind down. Mail Man starts to turn into one of these things but he sees a group of ZV’s and runs toward them as Red Head detonates his belt. Right after the explosion, Read Head is bitten and shot by Hubby.

Then we have a weird flashback to a Viking battle where Mail Man and Red Head fight each other but are mortally wounded and are offered eternal life by a hooded stranger. They take it. Shocker.

As the sun starts to come up, the para-military guys say that everyone should rest and they should get inside before the sun starts shining. The remainder of our hapless horde gets inside but not before Big Gun starts smoking. And I don’t mean a cigarette.

Summer and Hubby asks what’s goin on and the para-military guys reveal they’re vampires!

IT’S LIKE M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN WROTE THIS BITCH!!!!

After a far too candid conversation, we learn that the Vamps prefer cow’s blood to humans and Summer is a vegetarian.

Fuck me! I thought the Twilight movies were shitty. This takes the shit cake. It’s like breeding a bird dog and then finding out he thinks hunting is immoral. It’s like someone giving you’re first milk shake and then finding out you’re lactose intolerant. More to the point, IT’S LIKE WATCHING A FUCKING TWILIGHT MOVIE!!!

After this we get Big Gun’s origin story. He was in Vietnam. His platoon fell and he was turned into a Vamp. 

Pretty sure we would have won that war if we had Vamps there. Just sayin.

The Vamps wake up ready to kill the rest of the baddies but the remaining humans enter and want to help. Aussie asks if the humans can run. Summer says she played Lacrosse in high school. Aussie says that’s good enough to be bait.

AND THE HUMANS FUCKING GO WITH THIS PLAN.

So our merry band sets out to kill ZV’s. They set claymores and other explosives and barbed wire. Once they’re playing the waiting game, Doc tells Summer his back story.

It involves him going to medical school but it’s crap. It’s so crap that I’m not even gonna to tell you the rest.

The ZV’s lead some kind of surprise attack and force our group to flee over their own traps. Everyone but Aussie and Summer die.

They somehow find the ZV lair but find the numbers overwhelming and attempt to flee but Aussie runs the van into a tree. Fortunately, the sun starts to come up but that means that our remaining duo is trapped in the van.

As night falls, Aussie starts to get weaker so Summer gives him some human blood and he hulks out. He almost loses to the ZV's but a random group of vampires shows up and saves them. The Vamps talk about random shit and the movie ends.

I hope this isn't how the zombie apocalypse plays out. I was hoping for something a little less gay.

Worst movie ever.

Abduction

For anyone who has actually reads this blog and can measure time (and the two are not necessarily or mutually exclusive), I apologize for not writing something sooner.
It's a delicate balance; watching crappy movies and playing Skyrim. 125 hours in and I still have yet to hit the one third mark. Its depressing.
And for those who don't know what Skyrim is, it's like New Vegas but with bears. If you're still lost, fuck you. You're clearly not a gamer.
Anyway, this entry is brought to you by the letter C and then S. Those people pleaded with me to write about this one but it wasn't until I was five minutes in that I decided they were right.
Let's all raise our glasses to Coloredman and Shitfacedjew. You know who you are.

Meat and potatoes now.

Abduction is a bad synonym for travesty of film. Because of this movie I have instituted a new rating scale. It adopts the standard five star system but takes it further and a bit more arbitrarily.
For instance, we all know how much I hate Pearl Harbor. Out of five stars, said film gets a negative number of stars equal to the national debt. And in case you don't watch the news, that's a big fuckin number.
This movie gets a negative three stars.
Not nearly as bad, but when you get down to it; is any movie as bad as Pearl Harbor?

Whatever. Let's fuck this goat.

This craptasim starts with Taylor Lautner (who I may refer to as Taylor, TL or Tay-Tay from hereonin) riding on the hood of a truck at high speed while his friends are laughing and having a good time. Hood surfer is laughing too.
Why? I don't know. A pot smoking scene prior would have made me appreciate this stupidity a lot more.
Eventually they get to a party and we find out that the black friend they happen to have makes fake IDs.
I'm glad they had to clarify why a predominately white cast would keep a black guy around.
There's a weird scene where TL sees the obvious love interest of the film and her BF fighting.
TL clearly hates this BF but its cool cause he's out of the picture later that night.
The party scene ends with TL getting drunk and passing out.

Tay-Tay wakes up in his undies (this is where all the 14-55 woman demographic gets wet) and helps clean up the party.
And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.
Then his dad shows up and takes him home where they proceed to spar while hungover.
Yes, spar. Because his father is a sadistic bastard. Or government agent. Or martial arts instructor.
I won't tell you which. Let's just let the "tension" build.

Skip a few days and TL's at school. He's got a sociology project and he's been assigned a partner. Guess who it is.
If you guessed the black friend who made fake IDs, you were wrong.
It's the woman at the party we saw earlier.
Shocker. I know.

BTW, this girl has the biggest eyebrows I have ever seen on a female. It's almost like they added MORE hair. Ewwww.

Anyway, the two start doing their sociology project. It's about missing children. TL sees his own childhood photo on this website and he gets all weird. And deservedly so. I know I would freak out.
But instead of bringing it immediately to his "parents", he calls a missing child hot line that just so happens to be a trap by some Eastern Bloc gangster.
Yup, they went there.
Anyway, people come to get him. TL calls his lab partner/GF instead of the police. The goons kill the 'rents but he escapes down the road.
Just then he remembers that Peter Gallagher's stunt double was coming over to his house. So he goes back for her.
He saves her from the bad men in a stunning display of horrible stunts only to realize that there is a bomb in the oven.
Where did the bomb come from? When was it placed there?

NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS! THIS SHIT WAS WRITTEN IN WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT!!!

Whatever.
Bomb explodes. Eyebrows is injured so they go to the hospital. TL calls the cops. The call is rerouted to the CIA. Alfred Molina answers the phone and tells TL to stay put.

Why Molina, why? You're a Shakespearean actor. Sure you played Doc Oc in Spiderman 2, but we gave you a pass. Why here, why now?

For whatever sense the gods gave lettuce, TL decides to cheez it with GF in tow.
BUT WAIT! Who is this that comes to his aid? His shrink, who is none other than Sigourney Weaver, who explains that he is the son of a black ops agent (I guess that explains the drunken sparring, maybe).
Through the cunning use of "Get Well" balloons, they avoid the gaze of not only the hospital cameras but the main villain as well.
Who is played by Michael Nyqvist.
He played Blomkvist in the original Dragon Tattoo movie.

He got this shit and Noomi Rapace got Sherlock Holmes.
Not sure which is worse.

It goes real fast here; TL, Steel Wool Forehead and Weaver drive around. The two former jump out of the car and roll down a hill. TL and Mustache Eyes run off and cuddle in the woods after stealing blankets from a trailer park. TL wakes up crying. There's a cut scene with a bunch of CIA blah blah and then they cut back to the shirtless/hairy duo hitchhiking to an apartment that Weaver told them to go to that they don't lock even though they're on the run from FUCKING EVERYONE.

In the apartment, Tay-Tay finds an envelope with a gun and some money; both US and UK.

He's burned by the CIA with no passport. What the fuck is he supposed to do with British money?

While TL is brooding in a corner, Lash Hat decides its a good idea to MAKE A CALL FROM A LAND LINE EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE BEING CHASED BY THE FUCKING CIA.
Yes. Good idea.
And they're both shocked when they hear the sirens and have to leave in a hurry.

I'm gonna take a page from ESPN and say, "C'mon Man"......

So after leaving, the black friend comes back and gives them fake IDs so they can buy train tickets to leave town.


As a side note, I have bought many a ticket on American trains. You do NOT need an ID. They don't care. Really, they don't.

Which parley's us into the heavy petting part of the film.
He springs for the sleeper car. They realize they are in love and start making out and get hot and heavy; yet they don't pull the bed out.
It amazes me that they don't think of this. They're teenagers; surely this possibility made its way into their minds. What's even more amazing is the fact that he was able to get that close to her face with all of that prickly real estate above her ocular region.

Seriously woman; it's called tweezing. Google that shit.

Anyway, shaggy little rich girl decides to go get some food.
At this point a bad guy ties her up and goes to try and get TL.
After an awesomely bad sliding door fight scene, Tay-Tay throws the bad dude through the window of his room and the two protagonists escape into the woods only to be found by Molina and his cronies.
Molina says. "Quit running. Let me buy you a burger and a milkshake".

That's a fuckin Amber Alert in progress if I ever heard one.

But no, he takes them to a place called Fiddles Diner where they talk and are then thoroughly shot up by Blomkvist and his crew.

Remind me never to go to a place called Fiddles Diner.

After TL and Bush-for-Brows narrowly escape the shootout, they speed away in a white Bronco.
Never a bad idea.

On an unrelated note; It was cold and their gloves didn't fit.


After driving for a bit, someone calls TL's cell. It's Blomkvist. He tells our hero that if he doesn't give him "the list", he'll kill all of TL's Facebook friends.

At this point I would have said, "You do that and we'll call it even. I got some people on there that write some annoying shit anyway".

I'm looking at you Casey. Why do you have to write in all caps? THAT SHIT IS FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway TL is apparently Jason Bourne and decides that the best place for an exchange would be at the Pitt Pirates game.
This is also the biggest showing of Pirate fans since Clemente.

TL and Blomkvist meet in some awesome seats behind the plate.
Blomkvist says, "I don't' understand this game but I LOVE popcorn".

Really? That's what the Eastern Bloc thinks of us?

After that, TL ended up running away from Blomkvist through a ballpark crowd. But just as we thought it was an Ali/Fraizer rematch, TL lures him into a parking lot where TL's father is waiting with a sniper rifle and shoots Blomkvist.

Does it make sense yet? No? Good. You've clearly been paying attention.

Blomkvist dies. Molina is on "the list", and no one is arrested.

Tay-Tay's dad calls him and says he's sorry and that he never wanted to be a daddy. TL seems to be cool with it but only because GF Pipe Cleaner asks him if they are now boyfriend and girlfriend..

Fin



Three things to learn from this; Bushy eyebrows are sexy, absent fatherhood is acceptable so long as it involves espionage, and


Worst movie ever.

Special My: Lee Cyrus Edition

As many of you may know, I love Miley Cyrus. And no, not because she has become legal. But yes, it is for legal reasons.
However, it has been brought to my attention that I may be a bit biased because I appreciate the quote-unquote "teenish" side of music. And to be clear, I have no interest in the younger set aside from their talents. And no, I don't mean "those kinds" of talents.


Watch the following video so you know what I am about to destroy.






I'll start with saying that the message of this song is good on it's face.
The message being that love is....

Never mind. Let's not kid ourselves, this song is about welcomed sexual abuse of either the face or vagina. Or specific asshole.

This video starts with some pouty lips of the Miley that turns into a montage of underage girls holding stuffed animals.
I get it Ms. Cyrus; you lost your innocence. Why are you exploiting these otherwise willing jailbaits?

Oh wait, perhaps I wasn't listening to the above song properly.

Her 7 (seven) things she hated about said person were:

Vanity
"Games"
Insecurity
The idea of "loving me" and "liking her"
Making her laugh AND cry
The fact that her boy is a jerk around his friends
And mostly, that he makes her love him.

BTW, these are the quality of all men. Not the potential rapist part; just the jackass bit.

Aside from that, doesn't everyone else see the abusive, talk show host enter-name-here pattern? Cause to me its like looking at an episode of Maury without the paternity testing.

Just the phrase, "you make me love you", makes me want to call the police.
I mean, really!?!
Are you fucking serious?
This one statement has all the fucking makings of a Lifetime (copyright) movie!

(I do that kinda shit so I don't get sued. And yes, it has worked out well for me.)

Bottom line; WTF?

I don't fucking get it. If you do, you're either really gay, way not gay, or so middle of the road that you don't know your child IS gay.
Yeah, I'm lookin at you, irresponsible parents...

I love you MC but,



Worst (short) movie ever...

Backwoods

Haylie Duff is in this movie. You know, Hillary Duff's sister that played Summer Wheatly in Napolean Dynamite. And the only reason I decided to watch it was because she has HUGE tracks of land and I was hoping to get a look at them.

I was denied.

Our newest mockery of cinema begins with an opening credit montage of grizzly images and horrible metal music. Not to say that the whole of the metal genre is horrible, just this specific side of it. It was like a bad remake of the opening credits of True Blood. They even used that time lapse shot of the fox being eaten by maggots.

Speaking of True Blood, WTF? Faeries, really?

Anyway, after the credits we see this scantily clad young redhead emerge from a tent and calling out the name of a man who we assume is her boyfriend. We'll call her Red and we shall call him Dead. After Dead shows up out of the woods, he tells her that he needs some squishy but before he can basically rape her (this a theme throughout BTW), a park ranger shows up and asks Dead if he can have a word with him.
This is Rick. Yes, that's right. Ranger fucking Rick.
After Dead leaves our line of sight with Rick, some weird hillbilly comes out of the bush to try and kidnap Red. She flees to the woods where, in a clearing, she sees Dead being stabbed to death by Rick.
You see now why his name is Dead.
Red screams and runs further into the woods. But an interesting thing occurs here; when she first came out of the tent, she looked as though she had just showered. That is to say that she didn't have a dirty look about her. But now, after running only a few minutes and having not fallen down by the way (which is very rare for these types of films), she appears to be covered in soot. Apparently sometime off screen she took a page out of the Navy SEAL handbook and tried to camouflage herself.
Obviously it didn't work because she is quickly apprehended by one of the hill people. She is brought to some strange place and tied to a bed where she is forced to have sex with a ridiculously large man who has a cleft lip.
Uuugggghhhhhhh. Gross.
When she wakes, she is told that she is preggers and that this is her new home.

Meanwhile, the Masters Of Evil were planning to take care of Iron Man, Thor and the rest of the Avengers in a cunning display of...

Wait, wrong thing. I have been watching way too many cartoons lately.

The aforementioned movie picks back up in a corporate conference room where our main players are introduced but not by name. I say not by name because no ones name is said. A foolish move I believe.
The leader of these players, Bossman, tells all the subordinates that they have been selected to go on a company retreat.
Bully for them.
He further informs them that it shall be a paintball, team building exercise.

This sounds ridiculous but this shit actually happens in the corporate world. They get money to go out and do stupid shit and then they get to write it off as a business expense which in turn causes the price of whatever they are selling to go up (which in this case is video games) and forces us, the consumer, to pay a higher premium for said product. It's fucking fascism.

After dividing up the group into two teams, they hit the road. the teams are as follows:

Team Alpha:
Bossman
Duff
Asshole
Obvious Duff Love Interest a.k.a. Travis

Team Beta:
Black Man
Asian
Token Other Female Team Member a.k.a. Blondie
Gay Guy (GG)

So in their two separate cars, our teams set out into the wilderness to play some overpriced paintball. After some brief and pointless albeit sexist conversation, they decided to pull over at a creepy rest stop to fuel up and take a piss.

Plot point: As the gang walks into the store, Asshole is talking about how he's gonna "bag him some bodies". The clerk overhears this but continues to be his creepo self. Most of the guys leave to get back in the car. But on the way out, Duff sees a poster of missing Red and Dead. Bossman and Travis stay back to ask the clerk for the most out of the way places to camp.
But why would they want out of the way places to camp you ask? Oh, that's because they decided to have this little corporate retreat in a wildlife reserve and its illegal to engage in paint balling activities on government property.
I know, I know. It makes my head hurt too.

So after the clerk, whose name turns out to be Jethro, tells them where they can camp without outside interference, our merry band sets out to engage in a federal offense of a team building fuck up.
After Team Alpha gets their tents set up and calls Team Beta to say goodnight, everyone gets drunk.
Finally.
Everyone passes out but later in the night, Bossman leaves his tent with a couple of beers and heads for Duff's tent. He enters the tent and proposes some sexytime. Duff is having none of it and tells Bossman that she has in fact put in for a transfer because of his sexual advances at work.

BOO YA!

Anyway, later Travis gets up to piss in the night and thinks he sees someone in the woods. When everyone wakes up the next day, they are all in blue camo fatigues.
Lame.
Team Alpha sets out to try and capture the flag of Team Beta when they come across a trip wire trap in the woods. Bossman triggers it remotely and a large net falls to the ground. Everyone thinks it's Team Beta. Everyone but Travis. He reveals to the group that he thinks he saw someone out in the woods around their camp last night.
No one believes him.

Quick thing: why would you think think he's lying? What could he possibly gain?
Also, throughout this whole exchange it was hard for me to concentrate on the scene because on a tree behind them was an inscription. It read "Karla (heart symbol) Karl 4ever". It really pulled me out of the moment.

The scene flashes over to Team Beta where they are looking quite lost even though they have the "smart" Asian character showing them the way. Who is an asthmatic by the way.
That comes in handy later.
So they start talking amongst themselves about how they are lost when Blondie asks the group what that thing in the distance is. It turns out to be a house. GG decides he wants no part of it so Black Man, Asian and Blondie go to the house to ask if they have a phone. They get to the door and realize its unlocked. Black Man decides to go in and investigate.
Why the fuck a black man would walk into a random mountain home of presumed hillbillies I will never know, but as the trio explores the house, GG gets assaulted in the woods and taken away. Moments later, our trio goes down as well.

Back at camp Team Alpha, our quartet arrives to find their camp torn up. And I don't mean in that oh-a-raccoon-got-into-the-cooler kind of way. I mean the oh-shit-the-hill-people-are-hunting-us kind of way.
They decide to get in the car and drive for help, BUT WAIT! Someone has siphoned off all the gas in the car. Who could have done it? Probably the guy who immediately shoots Bossman in the neck with an arrow. The other three freak out and start running. They find a place to hide but Asshole spots one of the rednecks in a tree and shoots him in the eye with a paintball gun. He falls from the tree and dies.
That's one for the win column.
After running a bit more, they manage to get a signal on their phone and a ranger says to met him at the Cold Springs.
I like this because our characters aren't from this area but know EXACTLY WHERE IT IS!!!
So our heroes show up to the spot and find trusty old Ranger Rick. He tells them to get in the car so he can get them to safety. And by safety, we know he means certain death and/or rape.
He delivers them to the compound of hill folk where Duff is immediately separated from the men. She is taken to a special ritualistic rape chamber while the men are imprisoned in a rather state of the art jailing facility.
Duff is tied down and told that she shall be the vessel for which God's army shall be born so that humanity can survive Armageddon.
Yup, there's a religious twist to this debacle. Apparently these people believe that the end is nigh and they have to breed soldiers for the coming war. Leave it to the Christians to kidnap, rape and impregnate all in the name of their Lord. Oh yeah, they also make meth. That bit is important later.
Over in the men's prison, we see two of the three male members of Team Beta. They are bound and gaged just like Travis. Except Travis is being pulled out of his cell for interrogation. He is brought to a room where Ranger Rick asks him how many more government agents are out in the woods. Travis tells Rick that they are not government agents, just computer programmers. Rick doesn't believe him and brings out GG. Rick says that if Travis doesn't cooperate, GG dies. Travis repeats his previous statement and Rick shatters GG's skull with a sledge hammer. Clerk Jethro from earlier enters and is asked by Rick if Jethro is sure that these guys are FBI. Jethro tells Rick that one of them was gonna "bag him some bodies" when they came into his store. Rick slaps him and tells Jethro to finish off Travis. Rick leaves. Travis escapes and kills Jethro.
Back in the prison, asthmatic Asian has an attack and dies. The jailer ignores it. But just as the jailer is moving into kill Black Man, Travis comes in and saves the day. He frees Black Man and Asshole, who are the only other remaining male members of the original group.
Over in the rape room, Duff is tied down as some women come in to pray for her fertility. Duff notices that one of them is Red. Duff asks her for help. Red says no; this is her new home and that she loves her baby.
By the way, Red looks to be about six months preggo and she's only been missing for a couple of weeks. These crazy zealots must have some potent stuff.
Finally, cleft lip guy from earlier comes in and everyone else leaves. Duff convinces him to unshackle her and she runs away. And the cleft lip guy acts surprised.
The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Outside of this underground compound (I just found this out too BTW), the men have devised a plan for rescuing the women. Travis and Asshole go and blow up the meth lab while Black Man gets the girls.
It goes off without a hitch until Black Man emerges from the smoking cinders with Blondie (who we find out has also been raped and is now horribly traumatized) only to be caught by the crazy Christians. Eventually the other two guys show up and are told to drop their weapons by Ranger Rick.
At this point, Black Man pulls out a grenade and says he'll kill everyone if the weirdos don't let them go. Then he goes on a tirade about "stupid crackas".

His assertions of the rural white lifestyle were quite accurate.

Asshole, Travis, Duff and Blondie end up escaping. Black Man is stabbed to death. But while our protagonists are fleeing through the woods, Asshole triggers a trap that impales him with multiple spikes. He tells the rest to go on with out him.

You wouldn't have to tell me twice.

The now trio ends up climbing a smallish mountain and are surrounded by the pursuing crazies. Blondie starts to freak out and gets REAL annoying. Then she jumps of a cliff and dies.

Thank God.

But not that weird God that those other people believe in. Ya know, the right one.

After Blondie dies, Travis has a plan. Him and Duff make out a bit and then jump off a cliff. I was hoping this was some kind of Thelma and Louise suicide pact but nay, they landed in a lake effectively escaping their pursuers. Seems like Blondie chose the wrong cliff.

The next time we see our last two survivors, they are walking down what appears to be an old highway. Duff's hair is completely dry and styled but Travis is still soaking wet.

Really?

Anyway, they see a car and flag it down. It's an ACTUAL forest ranger and he tells them everything is gonna be okay. Just then, Ranger Rick pulls up and in the bed of his truck are cleft lip guy and Hillbilly #6 (this was his title in the credits). Hillbilly #6 shoots the ACTUAL ranger in the face with an arrow. Travis steals the ACTUAL ranger's gun and kills Hillbilly #6. Travis then shoots cleft lip guy three times. It brings him down. Ranger Rick then floors it and rams his truck into the ACTUAL ranger's car. It explodes. It's awesome.

Next we see Travis in an ambulance. The police are asking him how he took down the two dead men.
Wait, two? What?
Yep. Apparently they didn't find cleft lip guy.

The movie should have ended there.
But it didn't.

And since the remaining fifteen minutes were SOOOOOOO bad, I'll save you the trouble.


Worst movie ever.

The Telling

I got a joke for you: What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? She walks home.
I heard this joke today and was inspired to do a sorority girl. Movie. A sorority girl movie.
Damn, maybe Freud was right.
Whatever the case, this movie at its core was about acceptance. Or maybe the lack of acceptance.
Our story begins as all these movies do; the rejection of an overly wannabe pledge from an overly stuck up sorority. This attractive but unassuming brunette is told that she should try joining a WHORE-rority instead of a SO-rority.
I'm sorry, I was under the impression that the two words were synonyms.
Regardless of the semantic nature of the argument, the pledge storms off as the gaggle of whorettes cackles behind her. Then the pledge does what anyone in her situation would do; has a psychotic break. She puts on a copious amount of lipstick and writes "You Made Me Do This" on a mirror before downing a bottle of pills chased by vodka resulting ultimately in her death. Another hot chick finds her, screams and the screen goes black.

ONE YEAR LATER...

I'm kind of glad they used this device as it saved me from having to witness the fallout that is Greek politics.

So after this whole year passing it is of course time for another pledge class. The scene begins with what we can assume are the members of this coveted sorority; the girls of Omega Kappa Kappa. They usher in three, by comparison, rather plain looking women. These are the new pledges. I say by comparison because all the sisters look as though they ARE strippers or they are TRAINING to be strippers. You know, the good one's that work at all nude joints and provide special services to select clientele, i.e. people who are willing to pay for STDs.
The queen of these future senators wives, who we shall call Kali (short for Kalimah), tells these recruits that in order to be accepted into their ranks, they must first tell a scary story. She says that she LOVES horror stories.
When she said that I was distracted as she was leaning over, so what I heard her say was that she loves "whore" stories.
I'm starting to think Freud was underrated.
Unable to decide which girl should go first, she singles them out based on what kind of refreshment they brought for the party. The first girl, Tonya, had pretzels. Kali says, "I'm in the mood for something salty".
I hate the easy ones. The jokes and the women.
So Tonya sits down and starts her story.

We are introduced to a beautiful blonde woman who's boyfriend has volunteered to let his ex-girlfriend (Ex) stay with them while she is looking an apartment. We can already see that this is no good.
One day, boyfriend (BF) brings back a creepy looking doll he found in a dumpster and gives it to his girlfriend (GF).
What the fuck is this guy thinking? A creepy doll. That he admitted he got from the trash. Even I have more suave than this guy. And I'm still single. Maybe I just don't understand women.
Anyway, he winds it up and it says shit like, "I love you" and "you're special". She loves it but thinks it a bit creepy.
Later when all three are having dinner, GF shows Ex what BF has brought her. Ex thinks it cute.
Of course she would. She's the supposed antagonist. Fucking supposed antagonists.
After dinner, GF is cleaning up and sets some wine glasses next to the doll who is sitting on the counter. GF turns around after hearing some glass breaking. She sees that the glasses have fallen off the counter and are now broken.
Ominous foreshadowing out of the way, we cut to the bedroom where BF and GF are in bed. BF makes a play for some squishy but GF is having none of it. She says she "feels weird" doing it with Ex in the house.
Typical fucking woman.
BF storms out and GF has a staring contest with the doll.
Upon waking, GF realizes that not only had BF come back to bed during the night but the doll is now resting on his crotch.
She chastises him for having some kind of doll sex, which by the way he completely denies. He laughs it off and they move on with their day.
Side note: If a woman caught me having doll sex, it would be a deal breaker. Just sayin.
Later that day, GF starts hearing voices. She finds that its coming from the doll. Yes, we know the doll can talk. But wait, now the doll is saying personal things; things like, "I want him all to myself" and "Worst Movie Ever is the best blog in the world".

Okay, I made that last one up but that doesn't make it any less true.

She throws the doll across the room and there it stays until BF gets home.
Since Ex is out apartment hunting GF decides that sexytime is a go and they get after it right in front of the doll.
Where is the logic here? She can't fuck with Ex in the next room but she can go carnal in front of a possessed doll?
Apparently this pissed of the doll. The next day as BF was napping and GF was taking a bath, Ex is downstairs watching TV. Ex hears the little pitter-patter of feet and goes to the kitchen to investigate. She opens a cabinet from which she hears a doll-like giggle and gets stabbed to death.
GF hears this and goes to investigate. She finds Ex in a pool of blood and sees little foot prints leading away. She follows them and finds the doll sitting on a a frayed wire. She goes to pick it up and, since she just got out of the tub, she get electrocuted. BF hears her scream and comes down to find the bloody body and the body of his beloved. As he's crying, the doll says, "I hope they have conjugal visits where you're going".
Lame.

That being the end of Tonya's story, she gets up and the second orator is chosen. We are gonna call this girl Blonde Pledge because that was her title in the credits. She brought wine by the way, but that fact is hardly important.

This story starts with an introduction to a blonde actress slightly past her prime. She is having a hard time finding work because no one thinks she's pretty anymore.
My first thought? Porn.
She tells her agent that she'll do ANY movie so long as it draws a paycheck. He has a difficult time finding one.
Again, porn.
The agent finally finds her a job in a European horror film. She travels to some eastern bloc country and meets the director of said film. He asks if she'll have a drink with him and she reluctantly agrees.
A few things here: First, the director has a midget butler. Super fucking cool. Second, they are drinking Absinthe. And I hate to be some kind of a hipster here but if you haven't had it, you just don't know what I'm talking about.
So she has some super weird hallucinations involving a half naked female prison guard with fairy wings before she wakes up and finds an invitation to dinner later that night.
When she arrives to dinner, we see that the eight people sitting around this table are wearing Carnevale masks. Our protagonist seems to chalk all this up to Europeans being weird.
Clearly she's met a few.
As they start to have dinner, the director asks the actress if she knows about the history of film. She says no. He tells her that the first thing that man recorded cinematically was death. He snaps his fingers and a montage of early execution films rolls on the screen behind him. She's disgusted by this but he tells her that she must keep watching. At this point he introduces the rest of the cast to her. These are the other people around the table.
As they remove their masks, she realizes that they are all zombies. The director explains that when you are a part of a film that involves death, you never really die. The actress freaks out but is overpowered by the butler.
Who is a midget.
Midget butler.
Still awesome.
When she comes to, they are shooting the film and she passes out again. The next time we see her she has become immortal like the other members of the cast and says "I'm ready for my close up".
How dare you quote Gloria Swanson!
Lame.

By this time, I'm really annoyed with this movie as a whole. However I know that, like these girls, I have to keep choking it down until this thing is finished.
The next girl brought cookies and all the sisters eat one. This girl's name is Haylee. This is her story.

This narrative starts with three girls. Three super bitchy girls. They want to go to a movie that's super popular. They leave to go see said film, but it's sold out. They go back home and decide to prank call random people. Mainly because they're young and stupid, but mostly because they're young and stupid.
Anyway, they end up hearing a murder on the other end of the phone and they hang up. Of course the murderer calls them back and says he's gonna find and kill them all.
They hang up and argue about whether or not they should call the police.
Why the fuck would you not call the police? You haven't done anything wrong. I could understand this reaction to the police if they were minorities or something but they were white. White people have nothing to fear from the police because all the police are white. That's just basic logic.
They end up calling the cops and eventually one comes to the door. After the basic interview, one of the girls puts doubt in our mind that he might not be a cop because he seems "sweaty and weird".
She didn't mention the fact that he didn't have a mustache or the fact the that he didn't show his badge or the fact that he was carrying a thirty year old revolver as his service weapon.
This must be what they mean by women's intuition. Because it's clearly always wrong.
However you define it, the cop goes to take a look around the house.
The girls split up. One of them goes to her own room. She dies. One of the other girls goes looking for her. She finds the dead girl and then goes back to check on the girl she left.
Shockingly, that girl is dead.
Again, if you are ever in a horror movie situation never, FOR ANY REASON, split up.
Finding her dead friend, she goes to the front door and opens it to find the cop. He comes in and says there has been some suspicious activity around the house. She shows the cop the bodies and becomes convinced that he is the killer. She stabs him with a pair of scissors, steals his gun and then shoots him with it.
As she walks into the hall, she meets the real killer who dispatches her soundly.
End of story.
Lame to the third power.

Kaylee's story ends and she sits down. Kali then tells us that all of this has been a ruse and she reveals that none of the three girls will be selected to be future sisters.
That's a bitch move Santa.
But as the three girls slink out of the room, all the sisters start choking and vomiting. Why you ask? Because Haylee poisoned the cookies. Yet again, we ask why. Because Haylee is the half sister of the girl who committed suicide in the beginning of the film. Haylee explains how she has hated them and blah blah blah.
Then, right before Kali dies she says, "We may be dead, but you're still a loser".

Okay, that's fine. I'll still take loser over dead hooker-skank any day.


Worst movie ever.

Best 10 Of The Last Decade. And By Best I Mean Worst.

It occurred to me yesterday that one, I hadn't written an entry in this thing for a while and two, I had not ever done a top ten worst films of the last decade. I intend to rectify both points right now.

Before I start the countdown though, I'd like to give a few horrible mentions:

Dragonball: Evolution (2009): I'm not a big Dragonball Z fan but from what I understand, they royally fucked this one. Thanks Oscar for the hour and half explanation while we were slow at work.

From Justin to Kelly (2003): Is there anything worse than a movie that makes us relive the vomit that is American Idol? Probably not.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002): A lot of people say this movie was horrible. It was but I can't in good conscience put this in the top ten because Lucy Lui is WAY too damn hot.

Now the good stuff.
The countdown is as follows:

10. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000): How the fuck are you gonna make a sequel to the Blair Witch Project? That is the question everyone asked themselves when this travesty was announced. Then when we watched this horrendous excuse for a film we got our answer: it's not a sequel at all. This piece of shit was nothing more than an excuse to force teenage boys to buy movie tickets for teenage girls in the hopes that the riding of some scary coat tails could frighten off some inhibitions and get them laid. Success rate? Zero fucking percent.

9.Daredevil (2003): This is the first Ben Affleck movie on the list and while bad, definitely not his worst. Why they decided to make a movie out of Daredevil I will never know. He is arguably one of the lamest heroes in all of comic book history. I mean come on, he can see sound waves after being blinded by radioactive waste? REALLY? What's worse is that this POS spawned Elektra and we all know how well that turned out.

8. Gothika (2003): Did any of you guys watch this? Halle Berry works in a mental institution and kills her husband. But wait, did she? With the help of a ghost, she kills the sheriff that has some stupid tattoo that's supposed to have some significance to the film. FML.

7. I Know Who Killed Me (2007): Oh sweet Jesus, why?

6. Gigli (2003): Who gave money to Ben Affleck to make this movie? And why would they do such a thing? Who could possible be responsible for this? Jennifer Fucking Lopez, that's who. And that's where the lesson of this film comes from: just because you're fucking someone doesn't mean you need to give them money to spend on ridiculous shit.

5. The Island (2005): When I saw the trailer for this movie, I immediately asked the person next to me, "Is this a remake of 'Logan's Run'?". They responded with, "I don't know what 'Logan's Run' is, but Scarlett Johansson is fucking hot!". This must have been the general consensus because everybody I talked to loved this movie. It has the same plot and overall action as Logan's Run but the credits make absolutely no mention to the classic '76 sci-fi film. I mean for God's sake, the main characters have the same names. Thank you Michael Bay for directing this as it would lead to a long and illustrious career of me hating you.

4. 10,000 BC (2008): What the fuck was going on in these writers minds? First there is mammoth hunting. Then the main character goes over a mountain and across a desert to discover that his father who left when he was a child invented pre-modern agriculture. Then he runs into prehistoric ostrich-raptors all before he is enslaved by the Persians to help build the Great Pyramids. And did I mention that his prison was a steel cage that had hinges? Oh yeah, steel. And hinges. This movie makes Ice Age look like a documentary.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008): Fuck George Lucas and fuck Stephen Speilberg. Now that that's out of the way, I can start to hate this movie for real reasons. First of all, why Shia LaBeouf, why? I was such a fan and then you had to throw your name into this shit. And Russians? NO! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING NAZI'S! BOND HAS RUSSIANS, JONES HAS NAZI'S. THOSE ARE THE FUCKING RULES!!! And if that wasn't the shit in my cereal, the whole thing was about aliens!?! WTF.

2. Catwoman (2004): My brain explodes when I think of this movie. As I type I am literally bleeding from my ears. Not only did twenty eight (28) DIFFERENT writers fuck this one up, but Academy Award winner Halle Berry has absolutely no excuse here. I mean, I've never been a cat burglar but I sure as shit wouldn't be going on heists in ripped leather pants and an uncomfortable looking bra. Not to mention the fucktard helmet slash mask she wears. That shit really had to cut down on peripheral vision. And why did Catwoman "meow" all the time? Was she supposed to literally be part cat? As arguably the worst comic book movie ever made, this skid mark in the underpants of cinema easily deserves the number two spot on this list.

And finally,
1. Pearl Harbor (2001): This was the pre-mehatingMichaelBaydays as I thought that this film was a collaboration of fuck ups between writers, director, producers and cast. Hell, I'll even say that the Best Grip did a shitty job. Absolutely nothing about this film was redeeming barring the fifteen minutes that Cuba Gooding Jr was shootin down Japs with a .50 cal. And this movie is like three hours long. That's equal to two mildly less shitty movies. But yet again, we see Ben Affleck creep into another film on this list. I think I knew at this point in his career that I was going to hate him forever. He's just really bad. I mean, just awful. I think I'd rather stick my hand in the garbage disposal while I was forced to watch Teen Mom as I was ass raped by "The Situation" than watch another one of Affleck's films.

I know this might not be your ideal list of crappy movies, but this also isn't your fucking blog. Feel free to leave comments as to things I missed, and I'll feel free to ignore them.


Worst movies ever.