So when I saw this movie in the pre-street drawer at work, I thought that by the cover that it couldn't be that bad. I mean we got Tricia Helfer, Anna Paquin, AND Stephen Moyer? And for those geeks out there, we've got Caprica 6, Sookie, and Bill Compton all together; this has to be some kind of goodness, right? And I was almost correct, but mostly wrong.
It starts as an unassuming realtor shows a house that he clearly can't sell. And it's not because the house sucks, but because of his apparent lack of faith in the economy (I chalk it up to his lack of talent, both as an actor and salesman). It is clear later that he knows the owner of the house personally and wants to fuck her because she is recently divorced. Fucking cliche. But never fear, he gets his. Oh, sorry, *SPOILER ALERT*. Apologies for the late notice.
Anyway, apparently some creepy guy stalked the house and figured it was a good mark for him and his assumed(?) girlfriend to inhabit. I thought that was going to be the start of a good arc, but (shockingly) I was wrong. Creepy guy kills Sookie in minute nine. Then he stuffs the owner of the house, Rachel Blanchard(better known as Cher Horowitz from the "Clueless" TV series), into a crawl space that no one knows about, chained to a post.
And all this would be fine, but this drags on for ten minutes until I finally see Bill Compton enter the house to ask Cher if he can get his golf clubs (Cher and Bill are a newly divorced couple BTW). But wait, who does he see in the hot tub out back? DA-NA-NAH! Caprica 6! She ends up seducing him and all I can think is, "A cylon and a vampire having sex in a hot tub? FINALLY! BEST PORN EVER! But alas, she stabs him in the neck "in flagrate delicto" while the whole thing was filmed by the creepy stalker guy. We'll call him "David". Mainly cause that's his character's name.
Somehow it was still hot.
So Bill dies in minute nineteen. Huge bummer for me because I now know I'll not get to hear him say "Sookie" in his long drawn southern drawl. And while we're on the subject, his English accent really fucks up the whole thing for me. I know he's not really from Bon Temps Louisiana, but that's how I like him.
Moving on, They end up killing a bunch of people. And at this point in the film, they never say what they are doing with the bodies. At one point, they eat dinner and then Cap 6 says, as she's getting ready for bed, that the previous owner of this house had good taste. I immediately think cannibalism. And I won't have a yay or nay till the very end.
The story goes on with David letting Cher out of the crawl space now and again to stretch her lags. They get acquainted and you expect some kind of Stockholm shit to happen. At one point her maid comes over and she writes them a check that says, "Call Police". David sees this from somewhere off screen and freaks out by killing the maid. Then he takes off his belt and beats her.
Enter best dialogue of the movie, "I'm sorry I beat you".
WHAT? Isn't that a direct quote from the abusers handbook? Perhaps that what made up her mind to steal a dinner knife and try to saw her way out of the crawl space. Seriously, she tried to saw..... never mind, it's fucking stupid.
It ends up with a lot people dead, no cannibalism, and Cap 6 having only one eye.
Oh, by the way David and Cap 6 may or may not be fraternal twins. Da fuck right?
And through all this, I know Tricia Helfer may be a psychotic swinger with multiple STD's, but I might still have some sort of sexual relations with her; perhaps even if it meant immediate death.
Even still...
Worst movie ever.
