I guess I'll start this one with the cover because that's what I was drawn to. It has a bunch of mythical creatures on it; cyclops, flying dinosaur things, giant squid, poorly rendered ax, the whole shebang. Then it goes bad in a ridiculously awesome way. We see a man assumed to be the hero and a woman assumed to be the heroine/love interest. But something is amiss. What could it be? I'll give you a hint... THEY HAVE FUCKING GUNS!!! Since when did Sinbad have fucking firearms? Oh, and the tag line, "The Original Prince of Persia". What the fuck does that mean? Are they insinuating that Prince of Persia (a video game) ripped off this shit brick of a movie? What are these people smoking; heroin filled tampons? Christ..
Anyway, the movie starts with an oil tanker off the coast of Madagascar getting hijacked by pirates. I would say that this has some sort of racist undertone to it but let's face it, Africa has pirates. Just like in Wall-E when you learn that all the humans have become fat; we all assume it's an allegory of Americans. America equals fat people. Africa equals pirates. And elephants. And machetes. Okay that last bit might have been racist.
Moving on.
So the pirates threaten to blow up the ship unless they get ten million dollars ransom.
Enter our hero; Sinbad, shipping mogul and lady killer. He decides to pay them or shoot them. That's never really finalized because on his way to the ship, his helicopter crashes in the ocean. Also, a giant squid pulls the tanker to the bottom of the ocean. At this point, the squid seems like a non-sequitur, but he/she/it is somehow important later.
After some kind of ocean hoodoo, Sinbad wakes up on a beach with no injuries. Already, you can see why I chose this movie, right?
Anyway, he finds his case that has his gun and money in it and is then startled by an eight foot tall crab. There's a fight, Sinbad tries to shoot it but apparently in this sideways world crab's shells are made of Kevlar. And as he's fighting this beast, all I can think is, "I bet the guys from 'Deadliest Catch' would have a field day here". But the crab ends up taking the case of money (like anybody would take American currency on this fucked up island anyway) and he leaves as Sinbad just keeps yelling "CRAB! GIANT CRAB! CRAAAAAB!".
Fast forward a bit, he's met up with a few of his peeps from the tanker that went down which, by the way, is sitting on the bottom of the Indian Ocean (incoherent plot anyone?). So he gets to their camp and they have a makeshift shelter with a tarp for a ceiling.
Where the fuck did they get a blue tarp? I guess Wal-Mart really is everywhere.
Shortly after this, the gang starts walking through the forest to try and find better reception for their GPS that somehow made it through this ordeal. Two things; one, the GPS can't tell where they are but can somehow inform them of the bulkhead stresses in the tanker that is sitting at the bottom of the ocean. Two, if they're supposed to be in the tropics, why the fuck is it a forest and not a jungle? A little realism please.
But while traversing this wooded area, they come upon a native looking woman who can somehow speak English. She leads them to some caves depicting Sinbad's trials and the end of the world. Double trouble, right? But wait! The ground starts shaking and they exit the caves only to be thrown into the ocean off a cliff. They look back and they see the island transform into a whale with trees growing on it's back.
Pause.
I really can't make this shit up. I will give mad credit to the writers for being able to write this massive of a fuck up.
Un-pause.
So they're all floating in the ocean clinging to a bamboo raft that came out of absolutely nowhere and some of the flying dinosaurs from the cover snatch them out of the water to feed their over-sized spawn that reside on some nearby island. I'm totally shocked when the black actor who has had no lines is the first to die in the jaws of one of these leather winged beings. Somehow the remaining people escape and make it to a cave. While they are hiding from the lofty death maidens, the mouth of the cave collapses. So they do what anyone in a crappy B film would do; somehow find ready made torches and light them with a water-logged zippo. Which is amazing because I can't get my zippo to work if I'm even thinking about liquid, which makes things difficult at the bar.
At this point, the heroine/native/love interest decides to let Sinbad in on the fact that he has to complete seven trials in order to save the world. Just like that. No foreplay or anything. And I don't remember exactly what she said in her Indian accent (Cochise not Kumar), but it hovered around, "God of sea, biggum frackin pissed". I'm sure her uncle is crying on a street corner watching some white guy throw trash out of his car window.
Anywho, the story moves forward. They find the cyclops and somehow make him trip using crappy nylon rope. He falls into a stalagmite and dies. Bully for Sinbad. They get out of the cave and the native girl tells us how she got there. When she was a child, her father took her up in a hot air balloon to study oceanography and to answer the questions of the world.
I got a question; WHERE THE FUCK WAS CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES? Clearly this man is a few tacos short of a combo platter. What kind of fucking parent does that? And a fucking balloon? Did we stumble into the nineteenth century? But for all I know he had a bet with someone about whether or not he could circumvent the globe in eighty days.
After this touching back story, the men of the group are seduced by some Sirens. But these were no ordinary Sirens. They were half naked and can only be described as the second string strippers that work Wednesday afternoons. And we can only assume they have some sort of paranormal powers because the boobage was definitely not doing it. Either way, they get the guys back to camp, and are about to kill them when our heroine/native/love interest/abused child shows up and cleans house by killing the evil junior varsity hookers. But as she is trying to help Sinbad up, one of the crazy lot lizards comes charging with a knife. Sinbad comes to the rescue by picking up a makeshift spear, (which the lady of the night runs into) and after she's dead he says, "Stick around".
I can already see the Oscar nod.
The rest goes pretty quick. Sinbad and Woman end up in a camp of other exiles where apparently they are doomed to re-enact Lord of the Flies. Chaos ensues and they find themselves searching for meteor rocks in a volcano.
Oh, and I'm not leaving anything out. It really goes this fast.
They get to the volcano and Sinbad repels down to find some rocks, but not before telling Woman to blow up the volcano with some claymore mines he happened to have.
While repelling down for these magic rocks, he meets what I can only call Satan. Horns, wings, fire, tail. All that was missing was a pitch fork. Anyway, he tells Woman to blow the mines. She does. She thinks he's dead. He's not.
After a weird make out scene, they realize that the rocks from Satan's lair give off steam when in contact with water. So they do what anyone would.
They inflate a hot air balloon. Presumably the same one Woman rode in on.
They get off the island and end up on a boat and finally in Qatar where his business headquarters happen to be.
Sinbad and Woman use an experimental submersible to raise the tanker from the depths, but not before getting into an underwater fight with the giant squid. They use all the power of the machine to raise the tanker, and are left thinking they will die in the deep.
But wait! The giant squid saves them.
And that makes perfect sense. I guess he/she/it felt bad for causing the whole fucking problem in the first place. Now he/she/it is only a half douche bag.
It ends in a PSA with millions of barrels of oil spilling into the ocean and our heroes vowing to clean it up.
And though it may sound horrible, but at least when BP did it, they did it without blaming a giant squid.
Most definitely
Worst Movie Ever...
