HO-LY-SHI-TA. This one really stretched the limit of my ability not to murder. Let's just start with the tag line on the cover: "They were invented to save humanity; Something went wrong". Well no shit Sherlock! You invented giant fucking killer fish and expected it to pan out? And even though that aspect of the film is never truly addressed, I can still accept it because it is by far not the biggest pill to swallow.
First of all, the entire film is shot like a bad episode of "24". I kept expecting to see Keifer show up and yell "CTU! Hands up!" at any moment. The frame side push and ridiculous side-by-side scenes really start to wear on the viewer.
Then we learn that Barry Williams is the Secretary of State. He's a fucking Brady for God's sake! Oh, not to mention the fact that later in the film he is authorized to conduct a nuclear strike on the Florida panhandle. REALLY!?! Really?
We are also supposed to believe that Tiffany is a genetics professor from UCLA. And that she's in Venezuela conducting research on local wildlife (oh, and apparently she is the one who made the huge fucking death monsters). And she's a member of Greenpeace. I don't know why that's relevant to the story, but they feel the need to tell you.
Anyway, the main protagonist/beefcake/HGH addict/navy seal gets to Venezuela to investigate a possible terrorist attack when an American diplomat dies. He finds out it's giant fish and tells the local junta Colonel that they need to be stopped. So the Colonel being a military man decides to kill them by shooting them with machine guns from a helicopter. At this point, and I shit you not, protagonist tells the Colonel, "Sir, this plan is FUBARed!". WTF? Who actually writes the word FUBARed into a script? Eric Forsberg that's who. If you meet this man, do us all a favor and cut off his hands so he can't curse any of us with shit like this again.
And I haven't even mentioned the extras. The majority of this film is based in Venezuela yet, all the Colonel's lackeys seem to be from orange county. Seriously. It's like looking at a group of Colin Hanks impersonators.
Oh and the car chase scene. The car being chased was a Hyundai. No body drives a Hyundai. Especially people in Venezuela. The car doing the chasing kept morphing between an Isuzu, Explorer, Navigator, and Suburban. Nuf said there.
The best scene of the film is tied between the thirty second underwater fish knife fighting scene, or when the protagonist picked up a flare gun, shot into a guys mouth, and his head exploded. If you'd have seen either, I'm sure you'd be torn too.
In the end, they decide to nuke the fish of the coast of the Florida keys. But our plucky, muscle laden hero says if only he could dive in the water with the killer aquatic creatures, he's sure he could get them all to go on a feeding frenzy if he could just kill one of them.
DA FUCK?
What kind of logic is this? You're still gonna have one left over at the end of the frenzy. Your still going to have one hermaphroditic, pissed off, huge fucking, underwater killer.
But contrary to LOGIC, his plan prevails and he fades into the sunset with Tiffany.
And as the credits roll you can almost hear, "I think we're alone now, there aren't anymore piranha around".
Worst movie ever.
