This latest travesty to be added to the WME family is a doozy. Not because the opening reminded me of Armageddon (the biblical endtimes, not the Michael Bay fuck up), but because it somehow managed to make me welcome the sight of Armageddon (the biblical endtimes OR the Michael Bay fuck up).
Our story starts with a scene of devastation; vacant streets, badly burned bodies, that kind of thing. My favorite dead body was the one of a guy holding a cell phone who was apparently electrocuted while talking on it. I viewed this as a well hidden PSA but I doubt the other three people who watched this movie picked up on that.
Anyway, some shit happens with some people and an earthquake and normally I'd tell you guys what happened here but before I could get a bearing on important elements like character names, the scene flashes to three weeks prior.
I love it when writers use this device in a crappy movie. As though I'm watching and thinking, "Well now I HAVE to see the whole thing."
Ominous foreshadowing out of the way, we are finally introduced to a harebrained scientist who we will call Doc. Partly because he's a doctor but mostly because I've been dying to make a Snow White reference in one of these posts.
So Doc is seen on the TV in a bakery by all the cheerful people of Smalltown, USA who are in dire need of their morning coffee and daily diabetes inducing confections. Marginally important people in this scene: the cute clerk Zoe (who is supposed to be some kind of love interest), and Stepmom. I call her Stepmom because I initially missed her name and the only other time someone spoke to her, she was referred to as "honey". And before you say "Why didn't you just rewind it?", remember that I review shitty movies. Once through is enough; even I have limits.
There are a couple of character building scenes but they pretty much fail so I'll skip right to some more of the fun stuff.
Doc has traveled to the remote reaches of Alaska (inside the Arctic Circle to be only slightly more exact) to collect data from a comet passing dangerously close to Earth. Doc, by the way, has a doctorate in astrophysics; thus his interest in mobile heavenly bodies. He has set up an array of equipment on the roof of his Ford Explorer that is comprised of what appears to be a DirecTV dish, an old school short wave radio antenna, and what I can only describe as a Transformer in extreme disrepair. With all that equipment my immediate thought was, "Well if the whole science thing doesn't pan out, he's always got a job at Truck Toys outfitting vehicles for people who need porn on the go."
Finally he gets back in the car and his assistant pulls up some comet info on his computer. Don't worry about the assistant's name; he'll be dead in a minute. Anyway, we find out that a piece of the comet has broken off and is heading, guess where? No not Sarah Palin's house. It's headed for a spot about a hundred meters from where there are sitting. About ten seconds later, they see the giant ball of fury streak across the sky and impact. But instead of resigning their fate to the nature of the universe, they throw the car in drive an attempt to outrun the fiery death. Doc explains that there is an avalanche shelter close by but they need to boogie. Of course when they get there, the Doc makes it to the door just in time to see his colleague consumed by the hellish wrath of an impact event.
Now before you start thinking that this would be impossible, just know that this was easily the most believable part of our heroes journey. We haven't even got to the part about the Marianas Trench yet.
Meanwhile back in Smalltown, Stepmom (Doc's wife) and Shane (Doc's son) are grieving over the apparent death of their loved one. But what's this? A taxi pulls up and out pops Doc.
A few things here: they didn't shut down the airlines till later in the movie, and I know that cell phones work because Stepmom ended a call just as Doc pulls up. So here's my question; How come the first thing he did was call a taxi instead of calling his family? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that his wife is annoying as shit or the fact that his son is a maladjusted emo wannabe with daddy issues. But what do I know.
After the reunion, there's an earthquake. Doc decides to go over some comet data but finds that its classified. Frustrated, he gazes out the window and makes a perplexed look.
The next morning, we see him up on his roof with some sort of equipment doing some sort of measuring. His wife walks up and asks what he's doing. He says he's tracking the sun. She asks with a tone that seems to assign some kind of frivolity to his endeavour, "What are you tracking the sun for?"
He's a fucking astrophysicist! He does shit like that because it's his fucking job!
But instead of threatening to slap her and making a Honeymooners reference, he tells her that last night the sun set behind Eagle Peak. She notes that it's never set behind Eagle Peak.
And then we see the gears in her near vacant head start to turn.
Across town in a park, Shane runs into Zoe and her stereotypical bully boyfriend. Boyfriend challenges Shane to a race to settle some high school related score. Shane agrees and they line up their cars to settle this dispute that I can only assume is somehow centered around the slightly nerdy yet probably hottest girl in town, Ms. Zoe. All of this would be well and good except Bully boyfriend has a 66 Mustang and Shane has a 93 Thunderbird. My grandmother drove a 93 Thunderbird right before she traded up for a Crown Vic. But none of this really matters because right before the race is set to start, the ground opens up and bully boytoy disappears into an abyss that we can only hope entombed him in the sweet sweetness of a car he was about to race. Needless to say, Shane and Zoe escape but have no signal to call for help so are forced to walk all night. It isn't until early afternoon the next day that Stepmom notices that Shane is missing. Her and Doc are about to try and find him when our illustrious PHD is summoned to the local military base by the President himself. And you know who the senior general at this base is? Doc's father.
I told you it was a small town.
After a heartwarming reunion where we find out that the two haven't spoken for years, the General brings Doc into see the President and one of his cabinet members via Skype.
I guess if Skype's good enough for web cam porn, it's good enough for the Oval Office.
Doc and the cabinet member argue some technical jargon for a minute before they're interrupted by the President who asks Doc how bad of a situation the world is in. Doc responds with quote, "This isn't something like global warming where we can drag our feet."
Bham! Take that you hybrid driving, eco-fascists. And while we're on the subject, the polar bears are doing just fine. "Oh, but they look so sad when they're all wet from having to swim". One, every animal looks sad when it's soaking wet. When I give my dog a bath, she looks like a drowned rat. That doesn't mean I feel sorry for her being clean. Two, they swim to go get food. There is no polar bear version of Luby's. Their lives aren't like a fucking Coca-Cola commercial where they can walk up to Santa and order a Coke. Truth is Santa probably has a hunting rifle next to his hat rack so he can shoot any of the evil white demons if they try to make away with a part of his elven workforce.
Also, they are not swimming to catch penguins. Penguins live in the south pole and if you try to argue with me I will fucking sock your nose.
Anyway, the big guy doesn't buy Doc's argument and says that it's nothing to worry about. Sure enough, EMP storms pop up all around the globe and everyone realizes that the Doc was right. Another Skype session is called and the Doc informs them that "mini-poles" have formed all around the globe causing EMP storms to wreak havoc on not just electronics and human life, but the Earth's magnetic field.
I don't have to have a degree in physics to know that this sounds like bullshit, but I went the extra mile for you guys and called up a good friend of mine who DOES have a degree in physics to ask him for a professional opinion.
He had this to say:
Physicist: Don't mention my name. I don't want people in my department lookin at me all weird if they read this.
Me: Fine. Have you ever heard of a "mini-pole"?
Physicist: What the fuck is a "mini-pole"?
Me: Like a small version of the north or south poles.
Physicist: What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: Is it possible for a bunch of new poles to form all around the world?
Physicist: You get two. That's it. Sometimes they change sides but it's always gonna be that kinda dichotomy. Are we done? I got a hot date with some neutrons.
Me: What on Earth are you talking about..?
I left out the rest of the interview because he got kind of graphic with the details. Apparently "neutrons" is a sexual euphemism in certain circles.
Where were we? Ah yes. "Mini-poles" and the problems they create. So the Doc says that a nuclear blast with the same magnitude as that of the comet piece that struck the earth should realign the planet's axis, thereby solving all our problems.
Why do these movies always somehow circle back to weapons of mass destruction suddenly being the salvation of the living world?
Whatever the case, they decide to detonate two warheads at the bottom of the Marianas Trench delivered by a late sixties model Russian sub, one hundred meters from the bottom.
And for those of you new to the geography game, that's the deepest part of the ocean that also happens to be the most naturally pressurized place this side of the lithosphere. In other words, it's mission impossible on it's face. Not to mention the fact that they would have to out run a hundred megaton blast in a vessel that hasn't seen active duty since Ringo Starr was considered attractive.
So Doc and the General team up with a Russian sub captain for this supposed one way trip to save the Earth. I would make some quip about the USA arming a Russian sub here, but frankly I'm still reeling from the "Mini-Poles" Interview.
The sea dogs do somehow reach the bottom of the Trench (which is highly doubtful), and launch the nukes (more than highly doubtful), and then decide to try and out run the biggest fucking tsunami ever fucking imagined (really?). Oh ho, but there's more. Doc realizes that they are coming up on some rather large sea floor vents. He tells the captain to steer directly into the exhaust of said vents in the hope that they will be propelled out of harms way.
Sure enough, they make it and again we see Doc pulling up to the house with his wife and son apparently grieving over his death. He gets out, hugs them, and credits roll.
Let me ask you a few questions: Shouldn't he be getting some kind of medal for this shit? Shouldn't he have a statue commissioned in his image? At the very least he should get a fucking parade!
But no. After all that, all he gets is his vapid wife and his under achieving emo son.
Worst movie ever.
