The Dead Undead

It seems I'm always asking myself if people read anymore. The answer is no. PEOPLE don't read; just a few select PERSONS. It is to one of those persons that I dedicate this installment of WME. Congrats Richard for making me take time out of the Song of Ice and Fire series to make me watch yet another shitty movie. Now, let us plunge into the Heart of Darkness, drink from  the Fountainhead, and explore the Mysterious Island known only as, "The Dead Undead".

First of all this movie starts with a montage of para-military troops and opening credits set to shitty metal music. And when I say shitty metal I mean "Cookie Monster" metal; you know, the kind that sounds like Cookie Monster is singing? That kind. Shitty.

After the credits, a group of five idiots pulls up to a broke ass motel in a broke ass Bronco. You can hear the engine knocking on the audio track. Who road trips in a car with an engine that knocks? 

My buddy Jason, that's who.

Oh yeah, Jason. I still haven't forgotten about that time we got stuck in Wichita Falls in that Olds you had. I knew we should have taken John's Volvo.

Whatever.

Anyway, our introductory cast gets out of the car; Pansy, Creepy, Curly, Drunkard and Summer. And before you say it, I know. We're just two short of the seven dwarves. But alas, I made a joke like that a few entries ago. Read up bitches.

After the exodus from the car, Drunkard (female BTW) goes to get a room but finds that no one is working at the moment. Do they decide to find another motel? No! The gang goes down to the nearby lake for a swim. Oh, and the lake has some fuckin sort of algae/jelly like substance floating on it. Seriously, I know it’s a low budget film, but this lake makes Joe Pool look classy.

They finish the swim and head back to the hotel. Still no one working, so they do what anyone would do; steal room keys.

At this point I was thinking, "You're gonna steal from hillbillies in the middle of nowhere?" but before I even finished the thought, Pansy says, "Should we keep the guns in the truck"?

Finally. A group of city folk who had the sense God gave lettuce to bring guns on their trip to the country.

Doesn't matter though. Most of this has actually been a Red Herring. Soon, Summer gets in the shower (no nudity, might I add), Drunkard gets drunk and Curly gets assaulted by a midget who bleeds all over her. Or a child. Midget? Child? What's the difference?

Pansy and Creepy come to Curly's aid while Summer is getting out of the shower. Soon they round up Drunkard, put her in the same room with the other girls (oh yeah, Curly is a girl) and go to find the weapons. They fail at this because zombies kill them but those zombies are killed by the para-military troops from our opener. Military dudes kill any zombies they see and proceed to sweep the motel.

All the while it seems Curly was scratched by the midget/child/zombie and is turning in to a zombie herself. Para-military busts in and puts everything right. By that I mean they kill Curly. Shot her in the face. Brains everywhere. Evisceration of grey matter. A sort of cranial disembowelment.

Too much?

Summer thought so. She ran out of the room with Drunkard and go to the van.

Meanwhile this random guy walks out of the brush with a gun and says he’s a human. Mail Man (para-military) believes him and lets him join the group. I call the random guy Hubby and Mail Man is aptly named because he’s wearing chain mail. Why is he wearing chain mail? Aside from its obvious armor properties, he’s a Viking. But that comes later.

The body count at this point is pretty high. Let’s name our remaining new characters and recap our original cast that still lives.

From the para-military group we got Aussie (he’s Australian), Big Gun McGee (he’s got a big gun and that’s not a penis joke), Doc (that’s slightly relevant later), Hubby (he’s looking for his lost wife), Mail Man and Red Head.

From our starting five hikers, only Drunkard and Summer still remain.

Scratch that. Drunkard just stole the van to try and make a getaway but wrecks it into the only telephone pole in Podunk, Nowhereville. Women drivers. Am I right?

Whatever the case, now we gotta do the rest of this movie with only one original cast member. Oh and we find out that Mail Man has been bitten but wants to keep fighting so they equip him with an explosive belt so they can kill him before he turns.

At this point we learn that the zombies aren’t just zombies; they’re zombie vampires. Yup. Together at last.

Then a car explodes and more ZV’s (zombie vampires) come with a vengeance. While Mail Man and Red Head fight them with swords, Big Gun, Doc and Aussie fight them off with an M60, Grenade Launcher and M16 respectively.

Red Head sees he’s wearing an explosive belt and gets pissed. Mail Man says it's all good and that they’ll see each other in Valhalla. The battle starts to wind down. Mail Man starts to turn into one of these things but he sees a group of ZV’s and runs toward them as Red Head detonates his belt. Right after the explosion, Read Head is bitten and shot by Hubby.

Then we have a weird flashback to a Viking battle where Mail Man and Red Head fight each other but are mortally wounded and are offered eternal life by a hooded stranger. They take it. Shocker.

As the sun starts to come up, the para-military guys say that everyone should rest and they should get inside before the sun starts shining. The remainder of our hapless horde gets inside but not before Big Gun starts smoking. And I don’t mean a cigarette.

Summer and Hubby asks what’s goin on and the para-military guys reveal they’re vampires!

IT’S LIKE M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN WROTE THIS BITCH!!!!

After a far too candid conversation, we learn that the Vamps prefer cow’s blood to humans and Summer is a vegetarian.

Fuck me! I thought the Twilight movies were shitty. This takes the shit cake. It’s like breeding a bird dog and then finding out he thinks hunting is immoral. It’s like someone giving you’re first milk shake and then finding out you’re lactose intolerant. More to the point, IT’S LIKE WATCHING A FUCKING TWILIGHT MOVIE!!!

After this we get Big Gun’s origin story. He was in Vietnam. His platoon fell and he was turned into a Vamp. 

Pretty sure we would have won that war if we had Vamps there. Just sayin.

The Vamps wake up ready to kill the rest of the baddies but the remaining humans enter and want to help. Aussie asks if the humans can run. Summer says she played Lacrosse in high school. Aussie says that’s good enough to be bait.

AND THE HUMANS FUCKING GO WITH THIS PLAN.

So our merry band sets out to kill ZV’s. They set claymores and other explosives and barbed wire. Once they’re playing the waiting game, Doc tells Summer his back story.

It involves him going to medical school but it’s crap. It’s so crap that I’m not even gonna to tell you the rest.

The ZV’s lead some kind of surprise attack and force our group to flee over their own traps. Everyone but Aussie and Summer die.

They somehow find the ZV lair but find the numbers overwhelming and attempt to flee but Aussie runs the van into a tree. Fortunately, the sun starts to come up but that means that our remaining duo is trapped in the van.

As night falls, Aussie starts to get weaker so Summer gives him some human blood and he hulks out. He almost loses to the ZV's but a random group of vampires shows up and saves them. The Vamps talk about random shit and the movie ends.

I hope this isn't how the zombie apocalypse plays out. I was hoping for something a little less gay.

Worst movie ever.

Abduction

For anyone who has actually reads this blog and can measure time (and the two are not necessarily or mutually exclusive), I apologize for not writing something sooner.
It's a delicate balance; watching crappy movies and playing Skyrim. 125 hours in and I still have yet to hit the one third mark. Its depressing.
And for those who don't know what Skyrim is, it's like New Vegas but with bears. If you're still lost, fuck you. You're clearly not a gamer.
Anyway, this entry is brought to you by the letter C and then S. Those people pleaded with me to write about this one but it wasn't until I was five minutes in that I decided they were right.
Let's all raise our glasses to Coloredman and Shitfacedjew. You know who you are.

Meat and potatoes now.

Abduction is a bad synonym for travesty of film. Because of this movie I have instituted a new rating scale. It adopts the standard five star system but takes it further and a bit more arbitrarily.
For instance, we all know how much I hate Pearl Harbor. Out of five stars, said film gets a negative number of stars equal to the national debt. And in case you don't watch the news, that's a big fuckin number.
This movie gets a negative three stars.
Not nearly as bad, but when you get down to it; is any movie as bad as Pearl Harbor?

Whatever. Let's fuck this goat.

This craptasim starts with Taylor Lautner (who I may refer to as Taylor, TL or Tay-Tay from hereonin) riding on the hood of a truck at high speed while his friends are laughing and having a good time. Hood surfer is laughing too.
Why? I don't know. A pot smoking scene prior would have made me appreciate this stupidity a lot more.
Eventually they get to a party and we find out that the black friend they happen to have makes fake IDs.
I'm glad they had to clarify why a predominately white cast would keep a black guy around.
There's a weird scene where TL sees the obvious love interest of the film and her BF fighting.
TL clearly hates this BF but its cool cause he's out of the picture later that night.
The party scene ends with TL getting drunk and passing out.

Tay-Tay wakes up in his undies (this is where all the 14-55 woman demographic gets wet) and helps clean up the party.
And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.
Then his dad shows up and takes him home where they proceed to spar while hungover.
Yes, spar. Because his father is a sadistic bastard. Or government agent. Or martial arts instructor.
I won't tell you which. Let's just let the "tension" build.

Skip a few days and TL's at school. He's got a sociology project and he's been assigned a partner. Guess who it is.
If you guessed the black friend who made fake IDs, you were wrong.
It's the woman at the party we saw earlier.
Shocker. I know.

BTW, this girl has the biggest eyebrows I have ever seen on a female. It's almost like they added MORE hair. Ewwww.

Anyway, the two start doing their sociology project. It's about missing children. TL sees his own childhood photo on this website and he gets all weird. And deservedly so. I know I would freak out.
But instead of bringing it immediately to his "parents", he calls a missing child hot line that just so happens to be a trap by some Eastern Bloc gangster.
Yup, they went there.
Anyway, people come to get him. TL calls his lab partner/GF instead of the police. The goons kill the 'rents but he escapes down the road.
Just then he remembers that Peter Gallagher's stunt double was coming over to his house. So he goes back for her.
He saves her from the bad men in a stunning display of horrible stunts only to realize that there is a bomb in the oven.
Where did the bomb come from? When was it placed there?

NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS! THIS SHIT WAS WRITTEN IN WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT!!!

Whatever.
Bomb explodes. Eyebrows is injured so they go to the hospital. TL calls the cops. The call is rerouted to the CIA. Alfred Molina answers the phone and tells TL to stay put.

Why Molina, why? You're a Shakespearean actor. Sure you played Doc Oc in Spiderman 2, but we gave you a pass. Why here, why now?

For whatever sense the gods gave lettuce, TL decides to cheez it with GF in tow.
BUT WAIT! Who is this that comes to his aid? His shrink, who is none other than Sigourney Weaver, who explains that he is the son of a black ops agent (I guess that explains the drunken sparring, maybe).
Through the cunning use of "Get Well" balloons, they avoid the gaze of not only the hospital cameras but the main villain as well.
Who is played by Michael Nyqvist.
He played Blomkvist in the original Dragon Tattoo movie.

He got this shit and Noomi Rapace got Sherlock Holmes.
Not sure which is worse.

It goes real fast here; TL, Steel Wool Forehead and Weaver drive around. The two former jump out of the car and roll down a hill. TL and Mustache Eyes run off and cuddle in the woods after stealing blankets from a trailer park. TL wakes up crying. There's a cut scene with a bunch of CIA blah blah and then they cut back to the shirtless/hairy duo hitchhiking to an apartment that Weaver told them to go to that they don't lock even though they're on the run from FUCKING EVERYONE.

In the apartment, Tay-Tay finds an envelope with a gun and some money; both US and UK.

He's burned by the CIA with no passport. What the fuck is he supposed to do with British money?

While TL is brooding in a corner, Lash Hat decides its a good idea to MAKE A CALL FROM A LAND LINE EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE BEING CHASED BY THE FUCKING CIA.
Yes. Good idea.
And they're both shocked when they hear the sirens and have to leave in a hurry.

I'm gonna take a page from ESPN and say, "C'mon Man"......

So after leaving, the black friend comes back and gives them fake IDs so they can buy train tickets to leave town.


As a side note, I have bought many a ticket on American trains. You do NOT need an ID. They don't care. Really, they don't.

Which parley's us into the heavy petting part of the film.
He springs for the sleeper car. They realize they are in love and start making out and get hot and heavy; yet they don't pull the bed out.
It amazes me that they don't think of this. They're teenagers; surely this possibility made its way into their minds. What's even more amazing is the fact that he was able to get that close to her face with all of that prickly real estate above her ocular region.

Seriously woman; it's called tweezing. Google that shit.

Anyway, shaggy little rich girl decides to go get some food.
At this point a bad guy ties her up and goes to try and get TL.
After an awesomely bad sliding door fight scene, Tay-Tay throws the bad dude through the window of his room and the two protagonists escape into the woods only to be found by Molina and his cronies.
Molina says. "Quit running. Let me buy you a burger and a milkshake".

That's a fuckin Amber Alert in progress if I ever heard one.

But no, he takes them to a place called Fiddles Diner where they talk and are then thoroughly shot up by Blomkvist and his crew.

Remind me never to go to a place called Fiddles Diner.

After TL and Bush-for-Brows narrowly escape the shootout, they speed away in a white Bronco.
Never a bad idea.

On an unrelated note; It was cold and their gloves didn't fit.


After driving for a bit, someone calls TL's cell. It's Blomkvist. He tells our hero that if he doesn't give him "the list", he'll kill all of TL's Facebook friends.

At this point I would have said, "You do that and we'll call it even. I got some people on there that write some annoying shit anyway".

I'm looking at you Casey. Why do you have to write in all caps? THAT SHIT IS FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway TL is apparently Jason Bourne and decides that the best place for an exchange would be at the Pitt Pirates game.
This is also the biggest showing of Pirate fans since Clemente.

TL and Blomkvist meet in some awesome seats behind the plate.
Blomkvist says, "I don't' understand this game but I LOVE popcorn".

Really? That's what the Eastern Bloc thinks of us?

After that, TL ended up running away from Blomkvist through a ballpark crowd. But just as we thought it was an Ali/Fraizer rematch, TL lures him into a parking lot where TL's father is waiting with a sniper rifle and shoots Blomkvist.

Does it make sense yet? No? Good. You've clearly been paying attention.

Blomkvist dies. Molina is on "the list", and no one is arrested.

Tay-Tay's dad calls him and says he's sorry and that he never wanted to be a daddy. TL seems to be cool with it but only because GF Pipe Cleaner asks him if they are now boyfriend and girlfriend..

Fin



Three things to learn from this; Bushy eyebrows are sexy, absent fatherhood is acceptable so long as it involves espionage, and


Worst movie ever.