Abduction

For anyone who has actually reads this blog and can measure time (and the two are not necessarily or mutually exclusive), I apologize for not writing something sooner.
It's a delicate balance; watching crappy movies and playing Skyrim. 125 hours in and I still have yet to hit the one third mark. Its depressing.
And for those who don't know what Skyrim is, it's like New Vegas but with bears. If you're still lost, fuck you. You're clearly not a gamer.
Anyway, this entry is brought to you by the letter C and then S. Those people pleaded with me to write about this one but it wasn't until I was five minutes in that I decided they were right.
Let's all raise our glasses to Coloredman and Shitfacedjew. You know who you are.

Meat and potatoes now.

Abduction is a bad synonym for travesty of film. Because of this movie I have instituted a new rating scale. It adopts the standard five star system but takes it further and a bit more arbitrarily.
For instance, we all know how much I hate Pearl Harbor. Out of five stars, said film gets a negative number of stars equal to the national debt. And in case you don't watch the news, that's a big fuckin number.
This movie gets a negative three stars.
Not nearly as bad, but when you get down to it; is any movie as bad as Pearl Harbor?

Whatever. Let's fuck this goat.

This craptasim starts with Taylor Lautner (who I may refer to as Taylor, TL or Tay-Tay from hereonin) riding on the hood of a truck at high speed while his friends are laughing and having a good time. Hood surfer is laughing too.
Why? I don't know. A pot smoking scene prior would have made me appreciate this stupidity a lot more.
Eventually they get to a party and we find out that the black friend they happen to have makes fake IDs.
I'm glad they had to clarify why a predominately white cast would keep a black guy around.
There's a weird scene where TL sees the obvious love interest of the film and her BF fighting.
TL clearly hates this BF but its cool cause he's out of the picture later that night.
The party scene ends with TL getting drunk and passing out.

Tay-Tay wakes up in his undies (this is where all the 14-55 woman demographic gets wet) and helps clean up the party.
And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.
Then his dad shows up and takes him home where they proceed to spar while hungover.
Yes, spar. Because his father is a sadistic bastard. Or government agent. Or martial arts instructor.
I won't tell you which. Let's just let the "tension" build.

Skip a few days and TL's at school. He's got a sociology project and he's been assigned a partner. Guess who it is.
If you guessed the black friend who made fake IDs, you were wrong.
It's the woman at the party we saw earlier.
Shocker. I know.

BTW, this girl has the biggest eyebrows I have ever seen on a female. It's almost like they added MORE hair. Ewwww.

Anyway, the two start doing their sociology project. It's about missing children. TL sees his own childhood photo on this website and he gets all weird. And deservedly so. I know I would freak out.
But instead of bringing it immediately to his "parents", he calls a missing child hot line that just so happens to be a trap by some Eastern Bloc gangster.
Yup, they went there.
Anyway, people come to get him. TL calls his lab partner/GF instead of the police. The goons kill the 'rents but he escapes down the road.
Just then he remembers that Peter Gallagher's stunt double was coming over to his house. So he goes back for her.
He saves her from the bad men in a stunning display of horrible stunts only to realize that there is a bomb in the oven.
Where did the bomb come from? When was it placed there?

NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS! THIS SHIT WAS WRITTEN IN WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT!!!

Whatever.
Bomb explodes. Eyebrows is injured so they go to the hospital. TL calls the cops. The call is rerouted to the CIA. Alfred Molina answers the phone and tells TL to stay put.

Why Molina, why? You're a Shakespearean actor. Sure you played Doc Oc in Spiderman 2, but we gave you a pass. Why here, why now?

For whatever sense the gods gave lettuce, TL decides to cheez it with GF in tow.
BUT WAIT! Who is this that comes to his aid? His shrink, who is none other than Sigourney Weaver, who explains that he is the son of a black ops agent (I guess that explains the drunken sparring, maybe).
Through the cunning use of "Get Well" balloons, they avoid the gaze of not only the hospital cameras but the main villain as well.
Who is played by Michael Nyqvist.
He played Blomkvist in the original Dragon Tattoo movie.

He got this shit and Noomi Rapace got Sherlock Holmes.
Not sure which is worse.

It goes real fast here; TL, Steel Wool Forehead and Weaver drive around. The two former jump out of the car and roll down a hill. TL and Mustache Eyes run off and cuddle in the woods after stealing blankets from a trailer park. TL wakes up crying. There's a cut scene with a bunch of CIA blah blah and then they cut back to the shirtless/hairy duo hitchhiking to an apartment that Weaver told them to go to that they don't lock even though they're on the run from FUCKING EVERYONE.

In the apartment, Tay-Tay finds an envelope with a gun and some money; both US and UK.

He's burned by the CIA with no passport. What the fuck is he supposed to do with British money?

While TL is brooding in a corner, Lash Hat decides its a good idea to MAKE A CALL FROM A LAND LINE EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE BEING CHASED BY THE FUCKING CIA.
Yes. Good idea.
And they're both shocked when they hear the sirens and have to leave in a hurry.

I'm gonna take a page from ESPN and say, "C'mon Man"......

So after leaving, the black friend comes back and gives them fake IDs so they can buy train tickets to leave town.


As a side note, I have bought many a ticket on American trains. You do NOT need an ID. They don't care. Really, they don't.

Which parley's us into the heavy petting part of the film.
He springs for the sleeper car. They realize they are in love and start making out and get hot and heavy; yet they don't pull the bed out.
It amazes me that they don't think of this. They're teenagers; surely this possibility made its way into their minds. What's even more amazing is the fact that he was able to get that close to her face with all of that prickly real estate above her ocular region.

Seriously woman; it's called tweezing. Google that shit.

Anyway, shaggy little rich girl decides to go get some food.
At this point a bad guy ties her up and goes to try and get TL.
After an awesomely bad sliding door fight scene, Tay-Tay throws the bad dude through the window of his room and the two protagonists escape into the woods only to be found by Molina and his cronies.
Molina says. "Quit running. Let me buy you a burger and a milkshake".

That's a fuckin Amber Alert in progress if I ever heard one.

But no, he takes them to a place called Fiddles Diner where they talk and are then thoroughly shot up by Blomkvist and his crew.

Remind me never to go to a place called Fiddles Diner.

After TL and Bush-for-Brows narrowly escape the shootout, they speed away in a white Bronco.
Never a bad idea.

On an unrelated note; It was cold and their gloves didn't fit.


After driving for a bit, someone calls TL's cell. It's Blomkvist. He tells our hero that if he doesn't give him "the list", he'll kill all of TL's Facebook friends.

At this point I would have said, "You do that and we'll call it even. I got some people on there that write some annoying shit anyway".

I'm looking at you Casey. Why do you have to write in all caps? THAT SHIT IS FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway TL is apparently Jason Bourne and decides that the best place for an exchange would be at the Pitt Pirates game.
This is also the biggest showing of Pirate fans since Clemente.

TL and Blomkvist meet in some awesome seats behind the plate.
Blomkvist says, "I don't' understand this game but I LOVE popcorn".

Really? That's what the Eastern Bloc thinks of us?

After that, TL ended up running away from Blomkvist through a ballpark crowd. But just as we thought it was an Ali/Fraizer rematch, TL lures him into a parking lot where TL's father is waiting with a sniper rifle and shoots Blomkvist.

Does it make sense yet? No? Good. You've clearly been paying attention.

Blomkvist dies. Molina is on "the list", and no one is arrested.

Tay-Tay's dad calls him and says he's sorry and that he never wanted to be a daddy. TL seems to be cool with it but only because GF Pipe Cleaner asks him if they are now boyfriend and girlfriend..

Fin



Three things to learn from this; Bushy eyebrows are sexy, absent fatherhood is acceptable so long as it involves espionage, and


Worst movie ever.