The Dead Undead

It seems I'm always asking myself if people read anymore. The answer is no. PEOPLE don't read; just a few select PERSONS. It is to one of those persons that I dedicate this installment of WME. Congrats Richard for making me take time out of the Song of Ice and Fire series to make me watch yet another shitty movie. Now, let us plunge into the Heart of Darkness, drink from  the Fountainhead, and explore the Mysterious Island known only as, "The Dead Undead".

First of all this movie starts with a montage of para-military troops and opening credits set to shitty metal music. And when I say shitty metal I mean "Cookie Monster" metal; you know, the kind that sounds like Cookie Monster is singing? That kind. Shitty.

After the credits, a group of five idiots pulls up to a broke ass motel in a broke ass Bronco. You can hear the engine knocking on the audio track. Who road trips in a car with an engine that knocks? 

My buddy Jason, that's who.

Oh yeah, Jason. I still haven't forgotten about that time we got stuck in Wichita Falls in that Olds you had. I knew we should have taken John's Volvo.

Whatever.

Anyway, our introductory cast gets out of the car; Pansy, Creepy, Curly, Drunkard and Summer. And before you say it, I know. We're just two short of the seven dwarves. But alas, I made a joke like that a few entries ago. Read up bitches.

After the exodus from the car, Drunkard (female BTW) goes to get a room but finds that no one is working at the moment. Do they decide to find another motel? No! The gang goes down to the nearby lake for a swim. Oh, and the lake has some fuckin sort of algae/jelly like substance floating on it. Seriously, I know it’s a low budget film, but this lake makes Joe Pool look classy.

They finish the swim and head back to the hotel. Still no one working, so they do what anyone would do; steal room keys.

At this point I was thinking, "You're gonna steal from hillbillies in the middle of nowhere?" but before I even finished the thought, Pansy says, "Should we keep the guns in the truck"?

Finally. A group of city folk who had the sense God gave lettuce to bring guns on their trip to the country.

Doesn't matter though. Most of this has actually been a Red Herring. Soon, Summer gets in the shower (no nudity, might I add), Drunkard gets drunk and Curly gets assaulted by a midget who bleeds all over her. Or a child. Midget? Child? What's the difference?

Pansy and Creepy come to Curly's aid while Summer is getting out of the shower. Soon they round up Drunkard, put her in the same room with the other girls (oh yeah, Curly is a girl) and go to find the weapons. They fail at this because zombies kill them but those zombies are killed by the para-military troops from our opener. Military dudes kill any zombies they see and proceed to sweep the motel.

All the while it seems Curly was scratched by the midget/child/zombie and is turning in to a zombie herself. Para-military busts in and puts everything right. By that I mean they kill Curly. Shot her in the face. Brains everywhere. Evisceration of grey matter. A sort of cranial disembowelment.

Too much?

Summer thought so. She ran out of the room with Drunkard and go to the van.

Meanwhile this random guy walks out of the brush with a gun and says he’s a human. Mail Man (para-military) believes him and lets him join the group. I call the random guy Hubby and Mail Man is aptly named because he’s wearing chain mail. Why is he wearing chain mail? Aside from its obvious armor properties, he’s a Viking. But that comes later.

The body count at this point is pretty high. Let’s name our remaining new characters and recap our original cast that still lives.

From the para-military group we got Aussie (he’s Australian), Big Gun McGee (he’s got a big gun and that’s not a penis joke), Doc (that’s slightly relevant later), Hubby (he’s looking for his lost wife), Mail Man and Red Head.

From our starting five hikers, only Drunkard and Summer still remain.

Scratch that. Drunkard just stole the van to try and make a getaway but wrecks it into the only telephone pole in Podunk, Nowhereville. Women drivers. Am I right?

Whatever the case, now we gotta do the rest of this movie with only one original cast member. Oh and we find out that Mail Man has been bitten but wants to keep fighting so they equip him with an explosive belt so they can kill him before he turns.

At this point we learn that the zombies aren’t just zombies; they’re zombie vampires. Yup. Together at last.

Then a car explodes and more ZV’s (zombie vampires) come with a vengeance. While Mail Man and Red Head fight them with swords, Big Gun, Doc and Aussie fight them off with an M60, Grenade Launcher and M16 respectively.

Red Head sees he’s wearing an explosive belt and gets pissed. Mail Man says it's all good and that they’ll see each other in Valhalla. The battle starts to wind down. Mail Man starts to turn into one of these things but he sees a group of ZV’s and runs toward them as Red Head detonates his belt. Right after the explosion, Read Head is bitten and shot by Hubby.

Then we have a weird flashback to a Viking battle where Mail Man and Red Head fight each other but are mortally wounded and are offered eternal life by a hooded stranger. They take it. Shocker.

As the sun starts to come up, the para-military guys say that everyone should rest and they should get inside before the sun starts shining. The remainder of our hapless horde gets inside but not before Big Gun starts smoking. And I don’t mean a cigarette.

Summer and Hubby asks what’s goin on and the para-military guys reveal they’re vampires!

IT’S LIKE M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN WROTE THIS BITCH!!!!

After a far too candid conversation, we learn that the Vamps prefer cow’s blood to humans and Summer is a vegetarian.

Fuck me! I thought the Twilight movies were shitty. This takes the shit cake. It’s like breeding a bird dog and then finding out he thinks hunting is immoral. It’s like someone giving you’re first milk shake and then finding out you’re lactose intolerant. More to the point, IT’S LIKE WATCHING A FUCKING TWILIGHT MOVIE!!!

After this we get Big Gun’s origin story. He was in Vietnam. His platoon fell and he was turned into a Vamp. 

Pretty sure we would have won that war if we had Vamps there. Just sayin.

The Vamps wake up ready to kill the rest of the baddies but the remaining humans enter and want to help. Aussie asks if the humans can run. Summer says she played Lacrosse in high school. Aussie says that’s good enough to be bait.

AND THE HUMANS FUCKING GO WITH THIS PLAN.

So our merry band sets out to kill ZV’s. They set claymores and other explosives and barbed wire. Once they’re playing the waiting game, Doc tells Summer his back story.

It involves him going to medical school but it’s crap. It’s so crap that I’m not even gonna to tell you the rest.

The ZV’s lead some kind of surprise attack and force our group to flee over their own traps. Everyone but Aussie and Summer die.

They somehow find the ZV lair but find the numbers overwhelming and attempt to flee but Aussie runs the van into a tree. Fortunately, the sun starts to come up but that means that our remaining duo is trapped in the van.

As night falls, Aussie starts to get weaker so Summer gives him some human blood and he hulks out. He almost loses to the ZV's but a random group of vampires shows up and saves them. The Vamps talk about random shit and the movie ends.

I hope this isn't how the zombie apocalypse plays out. I was hoping for something a little less gay.

Worst movie ever.