Cherry Falls

So it's been a while since I did one of these. Like, a long time. But I recently have found myself with some extra time so I figured I'd try and revive this thing. And with the brilliant recommendation from my good friend Kourtney, we have this latest installment.

I give you Cherry Falls.

Now right off the bat, I gotta take issue with the title of this movie. It's the name of the town where our narrative takes place; and it could not be a more pathetically ironic name. Our story centers around a series of killings where all of the victims happen to be virgins.

Yep. Someone in this town is literally (but actually figuratively because its still a movie) sacrificing virgins. But more on those particulars later.

Let's get to the movie.

Our newest dumpster fire starts as any serial virgin slaying film would; a super dorky make out session in an old LTD that's parked in an out of the way place where no one but a crazy psychopath would think to look for vulnerable teenagers.

And to add insult to inevitable injury, the guy in this make out scenario kept stopping the lip action to tell his partner about the comic book he's writing.

*facepalm*

Dude. Stop. Like, stop right the fuck now. You got her into the car AND you convinced her, somehow, to make out with you. You're winning so far. Quit fucking it up by acting like me in high school and just go with it. 

Anyway, the dude tries to make a move for her nether bits and she shuts him down saying that she wants her first time to be special. They fight. They make up. They make out some more. That is, until they realize that a strange car has pulled up behind them.

Dude gets out to investigate and totally gets stabbed to death.

Shocker.

Oh, and the girl gets killed too. But not before the killer nails her to a tree. 

Kinda brutal if you ask me, but I'm guessing that psychotic virgin killers don't abide by the same rules and mores as us non-homicidal types.

Ethics of murder aside, we cut to our main characters; who also happen to be making out in a car. The guy is the same dude that played Alan M in Josie And The Pussycats. The girl is Brittany Murphy. 

Quick note: this is not a new movie. I thought it was when it was recommended to me. But obviously since Brittany Murphy is in it, its not. Blame Kourtney if you have any complaints.

Anyway, Alan M tries to get in Brittany's pants but she shuts him down. After a conversation between the two I can only describe as awkwardly ill-timed, Alan M blurts out that he wants to break up. But before Brittany can respond, her mom interrupts them to 1) tell Brittany she's out past curfew, 2) remind her that her father is the sheriff, 3) BLATANTLY hit on her very underage boyfriend, and 4) bum a smoke from him.

I'm not gonna get into how wrong and odd that exchange was cause I simply don't have the time.

But it was weird.

That strangeness aside, the next scene is Brittany showing up at school and noticing all of the grieving students. She is told by her ridiculously metro sexual friend Timmy that two students have been murdered.

I gotta pause real quick. I'm not tryin to say that its not possible for these kids to have feelings or that they can't be effected by death. But it seems supremely unlikely that they all actually feel pain and need to grieve like Hindi widows and wail like they're about to fling themselves on a funeral pyre.

So after a semi meaningful town hall type discussion in some kind of liberal arts class, all the students go to lunch. Which is great because high school lunch rooms are a hot bed of action, and this movie needed some movement forward if was ever gonna get to a point.

Our protagonist notices Alan M flirting with a blonde in the corner while Brittany and her apparent BFF discuss whether or not certain girls "go all the way"

This movie was made in 2000. I doubt teens at the time used that phrase in lunch rooms with such deft negation of expletives.

At this point there's a fight in the lunchroom between a guy and a girl about whether or not she gave him a blowjob. 

Wow. Blowjob is totally in my computers dictionary. Good to know.

Anyway, the fight's not super important until that same girl gets killed in the next scene.

And then gets literally (and yet still actually just figuratively) nailed to a ceiling after getting super stabbed by our killer.

The sheriff (a.k.a. Brittany's dad) goes to the morgue to get a report from the Medical Examiner and totally gets more of an explanation than any of us bargained for.

The M.E. totally used the word "anus" about twenty times. Which is super weird seeing as the first things he said were "they were all virgins" and "there were zero signs of sexual contact".

Got it. Nobody was fuckin nobody. Move the fuck on weirdo, who clearly likes to spend all his free time looking at an anus.

Cut to Brittany turning in a paper that I can only assume is super late or super early to the liberal arts teacher. Cause it's like 9 at night. Why are either of you at the school? 

Afterwards, Brittany happens upon her friend Timmy who is on his way to spy on an adults only town meeting regarding the recent murders.

As Brittany and Timmy watch the adults of the town file in, the sheriff and the principle of the school, Mr. Sizzler (wish I made up that name) have an exchange about the content of the meeting. 

Here's the highlights:

Sizzler: What are you gonna tell them?

Sheriff: That a crazy guy is killing virgins.

Sizzler: You can't do that!

Sheriff: Why not?

Sizzler: Cause we'll have a teenage fuckfest on our hands!

Pretty sure teenagers don't need the excuse of a crazy killer of virgins to throw a good ol fashioned fuckfest.

Just sayin.

Also, I just found out that "fuckface" but not "fuckfest" was in my computer's dictionary. Apparently it's selective with it's sex references.

Anyway, a fight breaks out in the meeting. Timmy takes pictures but disappears and Brittany goes searching down a dark hallway for him. She finds him in the boys locker room, dead, stuffed in a locker marked VIRGIN. After she screams, the killer drags her into a science lab of some kind but she manages to get free long enough to climb on top of a nearby cabinet and hurl glass beakers and flasks at him with the reckless abandon and visual imagery that I thought previously was only reserved for monkey's flinging poo.

Eventually, she finds a knife and takes the assailant out by cutting the wire and dropping a model shark on our killer of the carnally challenged.

Weird way to make a get away, but it worked. Somehow.

After she gets away, she gives a description to the cops. Her dad, the sheriff, calls Sizzler and says some shit like "it's her". Which is super weird but don't worry, it'll kind of make sense later.

Brittany's BFF comes into to console her. She tells Brittany that all the kids found out that the killer is targeting virgins so they organized a giant group sex party/orgy/thing. She also at one point describes this shindig as a "hymen holocaust"...

Seriously. Those were words written on a piece of paper intended for someone to read. 

Aloud.

*facepalm*

At this point, the cat is out of the proverbial bag so the school slut decides she should give a lecture on the finer points of teenage sex to the virgins of her school. Cause she's a giver; it's what she does. Like, all the time apparently.

There's a logic gap involving the age of characters and microfiche here, so I won't try and bore you. Just know that apparently the sheriff and principal raped a girl when they were younger. Ya know, the "it's her" girl from earlier.

Cut to Brittany who has gone to Alan M's house. They hang out. He starts rubbing her feet. Somehow this turns sexy and she tells him to suck on her toes. And he does. Cause he's a horny teenage boy that will do anything if he thinks there's a chance it might result in coitus. 

But then it gets weird; Brittany gets kinda violent and basically beats him with her feet until he throws a tantrum and she leaves.

This reminds me of all my adult relationships for all the reasons that don't involve feet.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN

Wow. That seemed dramatic. Like this is Lex Luthor revealing his plot to the reader or something. Cause it's totally not that exciting.

Our dad/sheriff/rapist got abducted and thrown into a trunk. 

The teacher's truck.

Also, Brittany goes over to her liberal art teachers house to give up her virginity.

Whatever. 

Teacher ends up being the killer. Him and Brittany are half siblings or something and Teacher kills a lot of people with a silver plated ax. Including dad/sheriff/rapist/other-dad.

Later when Brittany is questioned by the FBI about what happened, she lies and covers up that her dad was a criminal and that her teacher, who she had a crush on, was a throw back to the Cult of Caligula.

Why does she do this?

Fuck if I know.

What I do know?

Worst Movie Ever.