Special My: Lee Cyrus Edition

As many of you may know, I love Miley Cyrus. And no, not because she has become legal. But yes, it is for legal reasons.
However, it has been brought to my attention that I may be a bit biased because I appreciate the quote-unquote "teenish" side of music. And to be clear, I have no interest in the younger set aside from their talents. And no, I don't mean "those kinds" of talents.


Watch the following video so you know what I am about to destroy.






I'll start with saying that the message of this song is good on it's face.
The message being that love is....

Never mind. Let's not kid ourselves, this song is about welcomed sexual abuse of either the face or vagina. Or specific asshole.

This video starts with some pouty lips of the Miley that turns into a montage of underage girls holding stuffed animals.
I get it Ms. Cyrus; you lost your innocence. Why are you exploiting these otherwise willing jailbaits?

Oh wait, perhaps I wasn't listening to the above song properly.

Her 7 (seven) things she hated about said person were:

Vanity
"Games"
Insecurity
The idea of "loving me" and "liking her"
Making her laugh AND cry
The fact that her boy is a jerk around his friends
And mostly, that he makes her love him.

BTW, these are the quality of all men. Not the potential rapist part; just the jackass bit.

Aside from that, doesn't everyone else see the abusive, talk show host enter-name-here pattern? Cause to me its like looking at an episode of Maury without the paternity testing.

Just the phrase, "you make me love you", makes me want to call the police.
I mean, really!?!
Are you fucking serious?
This one statement has all the fucking makings of a Lifetime (copyright) movie!

(I do that kinda shit so I don't get sued. And yes, it has worked out well for me.)

Bottom line; WTF?

I don't fucking get it. If you do, you're either really gay, way not gay, or so middle of the road that you don't know your child IS gay.
Yeah, I'm lookin at you, irresponsible parents...

I love you MC but,



Worst (short) movie ever...

Backwoods

Haylie Duff is in this movie. You know, Hillary Duff's sister that played Summer Wheatly in Napolean Dynamite. And the only reason I decided to watch it was because she has HUGE tracks of land and I was hoping to get a look at them.

I was denied.

Our newest mockery of cinema begins with an opening credit montage of grizzly images and horrible metal music. Not to say that the whole of the metal genre is horrible, just this specific side of it. It was like a bad remake of the opening credits of True Blood. They even used that time lapse shot of the fox being eaten by maggots.

Speaking of True Blood, WTF? Faeries, really?

Anyway, after the credits we see this scantily clad young redhead emerge from a tent and calling out the name of a man who we assume is her boyfriend. We'll call her Red and we shall call him Dead. After Dead shows up out of the woods, he tells her that he needs some squishy but before he can basically rape her (this a theme throughout BTW), a park ranger shows up and asks Dead if he can have a word with him.
This is Rick. Yes, that's right. Ranger fucking Rick.
After Dead leaves our line of sight with Rick, some weird hillbilly comes out of the bush to try and kidnap Red. She flees to the woods where, in a clearing, she sees Dead being stabbed to death by Rick.
You see now why his name is Dead.
Red screams and runs further into the woods. But an interesting thing occurs here; when she first came out of the tent, she looked as though she had just showered. That is to say that she didn't have a dirty look about her. But now, after running only a few minutes and having not fallen down by the way (which is very rare for these types of films), she appears to be covered in soot. Apparently sometime off screen she took a page out of the Navy SEAL handbook and tried to camouflage herself.
Obviously it didn't work because she is quickly apprehended by one of the hill people. She is brought to some strange place and tied to a bed where she is forced to have sex with a ridiculously large man who has a cleft lip.
Uuugggghhhhhhh. Gross.
When she wakes, she is told that she is preggers and that this is her new home.

Meanwhile, the Masters Of Evil were planning to take care of Iron Man, Thor and the rest of the Avengers in a cunning display of...

Wait, wrong thing. I have been watching way too many cartoons lately.

The aforementioned movie picks back up in a corporate conference room where our main players are introduced but not by name. I say not by name because no ones name is said. A foolish move I believe.
The leader of these players, Bossman, tells all the subordinates that they have been selected to go on a company retreat.
Bully for them.
He further informs them that it shall be a paintball, team building exercise.

This sounds ridiculous but this shit actually happens in the corporate world. They get money to go out and do stupid shit and then they get to write it off as a business expense which in turn causes the price of whatever they are selling to go up (which in this case is video games) and forces us, the consumer, to pay a higher premium for said product. It's fucking fascism.

After dividing up the group into two teams, they hit the road. the teams are as follows:

Team Alpha:
Bossman
Duff
Asshole
Obvious Duff Love Interest a.k.a. Travis

Team Beta:
Black Man
Asian
Token Other Female Team Member a.k.a. Blondie
Gay Guy (GG)

So in their two separate cars, our teams set out into the wilderness to play some overpriced paintball. After some brief and pointless albeit sexist conversation, they decided to pull over at a creepy rest stop to fuel up and take a piss.

Plot point: As the gang walks into the store, Asshole is talking about how he's gonna "bag him some bodies". The clerk overhears this but continues to be his creepo self. Most of the guys leave to get back in the car. But on the way out, Duff sees a poster of missing Red and Dead. Bossman and Travis stay back to ask the clerk for the most out of the way places to camp.
But why would they want out of the way places to camp you ask? Oh, that's because they decided to have this little corporate retreat in a wildlife reserve and its illegal to engage in paint balling activities on government property.
I know, I know. It makes my head hurt too.

So after the clerk, whose name turns out to be Jethro, tells them where they can camp without outside interference, our merry band sets out to engage in a federal offense of a team building fuck up.
After Team Alpha gets their tents set up and calls Team Beta to say goodnight, everyone gets drunk.
Finally.
Everyone passes out but later in the night, Bossman leaves his tent with a couple of beers and heads for Duff's tent. He enters the tent and proposes some sexytime. Duff is having none of it and tells Bossman that she has in fact put in for a transfer because of his sexual advances at work.

BOO YA!

Anyway, later Travis gets up to piss in the night and thinks he sees someone in the woods. When everyone wakes up the next day, they are all in blue camo fatigues.
Lame.
Team Alpha sets out to try and capture the flag of Team Beta when they come across a trip wire trap in the woods. Bossman triggers it remotely and a large net falls to the ground. Everyone thinks it's Team Beta. Everyone but Travis. He reveals to the group that he thinks he saw someone out in the woods around their camp last night.
No one believes him.

Quick thing: why would you think think he's lying? What could he possibly gain?
Also, throughout this whole exchange it was hard for me to concentrate on the scene because on a tree behind them was an inscription. It read "Karla (heart symbol) Karl 4ever". It really pulled me out of the moment.

The scene flashes over to Team Beta where they are looking quite lost even though they have the "smart" Asian character showing them the way. Who is an asthmatic by the way.
That comes in handy later.
So they start talking amongst themselves about how they are lost when Blondie asks the group what that thing in the distance is. It turns out to be a house. GG decides he wants no part of it so Black Man, Asian and Blondie go to the house to ask if they have a phone. They get to the door and realize its unlocked. Black Man decides to go in and investigate.
Why the fuck a black man would walk into a random mountain home of presumed hillbillies I will never know, but as the trio explores the house, GG gets assaulted in the woods and taken away. Moments later, our trio goes down as well.

Back at camp Team Alpha, our quartet arrives to find their camp torn up. And I don't mean in that oh-a-raccoon-got-into-the-cooler kind of way. I mean the oh-shit-the-hill-people-are-hunting-us kind of way.
They decide to get in the car and drive for help, BUT WAIT! Someone has siphoned off all the gas in the car. Who could have done it? Probably the guy who immediately shoots Bossman in the neck with an arrow. The other three freak out and start running. They find a place to hide but Asshole spots one of the rednecks in a tree and shoots him in the eye with a paintball gun. He falls from the tree and dies.
That's one for the win column.
After running a bit more, they manage to get a signal on their phone and a ranger says to met him at the Cold Springs.
I like this because our characters aren't from this area but know EXACTLY WHERE IT IS!!!
So our heroes show up to the spot and find trusty old Ranger Rick. He tells them to get in the car so he can get them to safety. And by safety, we know he means certain death and/or rape.
He delivers them to the compound of hill folk where Duff is immediately separated from the men. She is taken to a special ritualistic rape chamber while the men are imprisoned in a rather state of the art jailing facility.
Duff is tied down and told that she shall be the vessel for which God's army shall be born so that humanity can survive Armageddon.
Yup, there's a religious twist to this debacle. Apparently these people believe that the end is nigh and they have to breed soldiers for the coming war. Leave it to the Christians to kidnap, rape and impregnate all in the name of their Lord. Oh yeah, they also make meth. That bit is important later.
Over in the men's prison, we see two of the three male members of Team Beta. They are bound and gaged just like Travis. Except Travis is being pulled out of his cell for interrogation. He is brought to a room where Ranger Rick asks him how many more government agents are out in the woods. Travis tells Rick that they are not government agents, just computer programmers. Rick doesn't believe him and brings out GG. Rick says that if Travis doesn't cooperate, GG dies. Travis repeats his previous statement and Rick shatters GG's skull with a sledge hammer. Clerk Jethro from earlier enters and is asked by Rick if Jethro is sure that these guys are FBI. Jethro tells Rick that one of them was gonna "bag him some bodies" when they came into his store. Rick slaps him and tells Jethro to finish off Travis. Rick leaves. Travis escapes and kills Jethro.
Back in the prison, asthmatic Asian has an attack and dies. The jailer ignores it. But just as the jailer is moving into kill Black Man, Travis comes in and saves the day. He frees Black Man and Asshole, who are the only other remaining male members of the original group.
Over in the rape room, Duff is tied down as some women come in to pray for her fertility. Duff notices that one of them is Red. Duff asks her for help. Red says no; this is her new home and that she loves her baby.
By the way, Red looks to be about six months preggo and she's only been missing for a couple of weeks. These crazy zealots must have some potent stuff.
Finally, cleft lip guy from earlier comes in and everyone else leaves. Duff convinces him to unshackle her and she runs away. And the cleft lip guy acts surprised.
The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Outside of this underground compound (I just found this out too BTW), the men have devised a plan for rescuing the women. Travis and Asshole go and blow up the meth lab while Black Man gets the girls.
It goes off without a hitch until Black Man emerges from the smoking cinders with Blondie (who we find out has also been raped and is now horribly traumatized) only to be caught by the crazy Christians. Eventually the other two guys show up and are told to drop their weapons by Ranger Rick.
At this point, Black Man pulls out a grenade and says he'll kill everyone if the weirdos don't let them go. Then he goes on a tirade about "stupid crackas".

His assertions of the rural white lifestyle were quite accurate.

Asshole, Travis, Duff and Blondie end up escaping. Black Man is stabbed to death. But while our protagonists are fleeing through the woods, Asshole triggers a trap that impales him with multiple spikes. He tells the rest to go on with out him.

You wouldn't have to tell me twice.

The now trio ends up climbing a smallish mountain and are surrounded by the pursuing crazies. Blondie starts to freak out and gets REAL annoying. Then she jumps of a cliff and dies.

Thank God.

But not that weird God that those other people believe in. Ya know, the right one.

After Blondie dies, Travis has a plan. Him and Duff make out a bit and then jump off a cliff. I was hoping this was some kind of Thelma and Louise suicide pact but nay, they landed in a lake effectively escaping their pursuers. Seems like Blondie chose the wrong cliff.

The next time we see our last two survivors, they are walking down what appears to be an old highway. Duff's hair is completely dry and styled but Travis is still soaking wet.

Really?

Anyway, they see a car and flag it down. It's an ACTUAL forest ranger and he tells them everything is gonna be okay. Just then, Ranger Rick pulls up and in the bed of his truck are cleft lip guy and Hillbilly #6 (this was his title in the credits). Hillbilly #6 shoots the ACTUAL ranger in the face with an arrow. Travis steals the ACTUAL ranger's gun and kills Hillbilly #6. Travis then shoots cleft lip guy three times. It brings him down. Ranger Rick then floors it and rams his truck into the ACTUAL ranger's car. It explodes. It's awesome.

Next we see Travis in an ambulance. The police are asking him how he took down the two dead men.
Wait, two? What?
Yep. Apparently they didn't find cleft lip guy.

The movie should have ended there.
But it didn't.

And since the remaining fifteen minutes were SOOOOOOO bad, I'll save you the trouble.


Worst movie ever.

The Telling

I got a joke for you: What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? She walks home.
I heard this joke today and was inspired to do a sorority girl. Movie. A sorority girl movie.
Damn, maybe Freud was right.
Whatever the case, this movie at its core was about acceptance. Or maybe the lack of acceptance.
Our story begins as all these movies do; the rejection of an overly wannabe pledge from an overly stuck up sorority. This attractive but unassuming brunette is told that she should try joining a WHORE-rority instead of a SO-rority.
I'm sorry, I was under the impression that the two words were synonyms.
Regardless of the semantic nature of the argument, the pledge storms off as the gaggle of whorettes cackles behind her. Then the pledge does what anyone in her situation would do; has a psychotic break. She puts on a copious amount of lipstick and writes "You Made Me Do This" on a mirror before downing a bottle of pills chased by vodka resulting ultimately in her death. Another hot chick finds her, screams and the screen goes black.

ONE YEAR LATER...

I'm kind of glad they used this device as it saved me from having to witness the fallout that is Greek politics.

So after this whole year passing it is of course time for another pledge class. The scene begins with what we can assume are the members of this coveted sorority; the girls of Omega Kappa Kappa. They usher in three, by comparison, rather plain looking women. These are the new pledges. I say by comparison because all the sisters look as though they ARE strippers or they are TRAINING to be strippers. You know, the good one's that work at all nude joints and provide special services to select clientele, i.e. people who are willing to pay for STDs.
The queen of these future senators wives, who we shall call Kali (short for Kalimah), tells these recruits that in order to be accepted into their ranks, they must first tell a scary story. She says that she LOVES horror stories.
When she said that I was distracted as she was leaning over, so what I heard her say was that she loves "whore" stories.
I'm starting to think Freud was underrated.
Unable to decide which girl should go first, she singles them out based on what kind of refreshment they brought for the party. The first girl, Tonya, had pretzels. Kali says, "I'm in the mood for something salty".
I hate the easy ones. The jokes and the women.
So Tonya sits down and starts her story.

We are introduced to a beautiful blonde woman who's boyfriend has volunteered to let his ex-girlfriend (Ex) stay with them while she is looking an apartment. We can already see that this is no good.
One day, boyfriend (BF) brings back a creepy looking doll he found in a dumpster and gives it to his girlfriend (GF).
What the fuck is this guy thinking? A creepy doll. That he admitted he got from the trash. Even I have more suave than this guy. And I'm still single. Maybe I just don't understand women.
Anyway, he winds it up and it says shit like, "I love you" and "you're special". She loves it but thinks it a bit creepy.
Later when all three are having dinner, GF shows Ex what BF has brought her. Ex thinks it cute.
Of course she would. She's the supposed antagonist. Fucking supposed antagonists.
After dinner, GF is cleaning up and sets some wine glasses next to the doll who is sitting on the counter. GF turns around after hearing some glass breaking. She sees that the glasses have fallen off the counter and are now broken.
Ominous foreshadowing out of the way, we cut to the bedroom where BF and GF are in bed. BF makes a play for some squishy but GF is having none of it. She says she "feels weird" doing it with Ex in the house.
Typical fucking woman.
BF storms out and GF has a staring contest with the doll.
Upon waking, GF realizes that not only had BF come back to bed during the night but the doll is now resting on his crotch.
She chastises him for having some kind of doll sex, which by the way he completely denies. He laughs it off and they move on with their day.
Side note: If a woman caught me having doll sex, it would be a deal breaker. Just sayin.
Later that day, GF starts hearing voices. She finds that its coming from the doll. Yes, we know the doll can talk. But wait, now the doll is saying personal things; things like, "I want him all to myself" and "Worst Movie Ever is the best blog in the world".

Okay, I made that last one up but that doesn't make it any less true.

She throws the doll across the room and there it stays until BF gets home.
Since Ex is out apartment hunting GF decides that sexytime is a go and they get after it right in front of the doll.
Where is the logic here? She can't fuck with Ex in the next room but she can go carnal in front of a possessed doll?
Apparently this pissed of the doll. The next day as BF was napping and GF was taking a bath, Ex is downstairs watching TV. Ex hears the little pitter-patter of feet and goes to the kitchen to investigate. She opens a cabinet from which she hears a doll-like giggle and gets stabbed to death.
GF hears this and goes to investigate. She finds Ex in a pool of blood and sees little foot prints leading away. She follows them and finds the doll sitting on a a frayed wire. She goes to pick it up and, since she just got out of the tub, she get electrocuted. BF hears her scream and comes down to find the bloody body and the body of his beloved. As he's crying, the doll says, "I hope they have conjugal visits where you're going".
Lame.

That being the end of Tonya's story, she gets up and the second orator is chosen. We are gonna call this girl Blonde Pledge because that was her title in the credits. She brought wine by the way, but that fact is hardly important.

This story starts with an introduction to a blonde actress slightly past her prime. She is having a hard time finding work because no one thinks she's pretty anymore.
My first thought? Porn.
She tells her agent that she'll do ANY movie so long as it draws a paycheck. He has a difficult time finding one.
Again, porn.
The agent finally finds her a job in a European horror film. She travels to some eastern bloc country and meets the director of said film. He asks if she'll have a drink with him and she reluctantly agrees.
A few things here: First, the director has a midget butler. Super fucking cool. Second, they are drinking Absinthe. And I hate to be some kind of a hipster here but if you haven't had it, you just don't know what I'm talking about.
So she has some super weird hallucinations involving a half naked female prison guard with fairy wings before she wakes up and finds an invitation to dinner later that night.
When she arrives to dinner, we see that the eight people sitting around this table are wearing Carnevale masks. Our protagonist seems to chalk all this up to Europeans being weird.
Clearly she's met a few.
As they start to have dinner, the director asks the actress if she knows about the history of film. She says no. He tells her that the first thing that man recorded cinematically was death. He snaps his fingers and a montage of early execution films rolls on the screen behind him. She's disgusted by this but he tells her that she must keep watching. At this point he introduces the rest of the cast to her. These are the other people around the table.
As they remove their masks, she realizes that they are all zombies. The director explains that when you are a part of a film that involves death, you never really die. The actress freaks out but is overpowered by the butler.
Who is a midget.
Midget butler.
Still awesome.
When she comes to, they are shooting the film and she passes out again. The next time we see her she has become immortal like the other members of the cast and says "I'm ready for my close up".
How dare you quote Gloria Swanson!
Lame.

By this time, I'm really annoyed with this movie as a whole. However I know that, like these girls, I have to keep choking it down until this thing is finished.
The next girl brought cookies and all the sisters eat one. This girl's name is Haylee. This is her story.

This narrative starts with three girls. Three super bitchy girls. They want to go to a movie that's super popular. They leave to go see said film, but it's sold out. They go back home and decide to prank call random people. Mainly because they're young and stupid, but mostly because they're young and stupid.
Anyway, they end up hearing a murder on the other end of the phone and they hang up. Of course the murderer calls them back and says he's gonna find and kill them all.
They hang up and argue about whether or not they should call the police.
Why the fuck would you not call the police? You haven't done anything wrong. I could understand this reaction to the police if they were minorities or something but they were white. White people have nothing to fear from the police because all the police are white. That's just basic logic.
They end up calling the cops and eventually one comes to the door. After the basic interview, one of the girls puts doubt in our mind that he might not be a cop because he seems "sweaty and weird".
She didn't mention the fact that he didn't have a mustache or the fact the that he didn't show his badge or the fact that he was carrying a thirty year old revolver as his service weapon.
This must be what they mean by women's intuition. Because it's clearly always wrong.
However you define it, the cop goes to take a look around the house.
The girls split up. One of them goes to her own room. She dies. One of the other girls goes looking for her. She finds the dead girl and then goes back to check on the girl she left.
Shockingly, that girl is dead.
Again, if you are ever in a horror movie situation never, FOR ANY REASON, split up.
Finding her dead friend, she goes to the front door and opens it to find the cop. He comes in and says there has been some suspicious activity around the house. She shows the cop the bodies and becomes convinced that he is the killer. She stabs him with a pair of scissors, steals his gun and then shoots him with it.
As she walks into the hall, she meets the real killer who dispatches her soundly.
End of story.
Lame to the third power.

Kaylee's story ends and she sits down. Kali then tells us that all of this has been a ruse and she reveals that none of the three girls will be selected to be future sisters.
That's a bitch move Santa.
But as the three girls slink out of the room, all the sisters start choking and vomiting. Why you ask? Because Haylee poisoned the cookies. Yet again, we ask why. Because Haylee is the half sister of the girl who committed suicide in the beginning of the film. Haylee explains how she has hated them and blah blah blah.
Then, right before Kali dies she says, "We may be dead, but you're still a loser".

Okay, that's fine. I'll still take loser over dead hooker-skank any day.


Worst movie ever.

Best 10 Of The Last Decade. And By Best I Mean Worst.

It occurred to me yesterday that one, I hadn't written an entry in this thing for a while and two, I had not ever done a top ten worst films of the last decade. I intend to rectify both points right now.

Before I start the countdown though, I'd like to give a few horrible mentions:

Dragonball: Evolution (2009): I'm not a big Dragonball Z fan but from what I understand, they royally fucked this one. Thanks Oscar for the hour and half explanation while we were slow at work.

From Justin to Kelly (2003): Is there anything worse than a movie that makes us relive the vomit that is American Idol? Probably not.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002): A lot of people say this movie was horrible. It was but I can't in good conscience put this in the top ten because Lucy Lui is WAY too damn hot.

Now the good stuff.
The countdown is as follows:

10. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000): How the fuck are you gonna make a sequel to the Blair Witch Project? That is the question everyone asked themselves when this travesty was announced. Then when we watched this horrendous excuse for a film we got our answer: it's not a sequel at all. This piece of shit was nothing more than an excuse to force teenage boys to buy movie tickets for teenage girls in the hopes that the riding of some scary coat tails could frighten off some inhibitions and get them laid. Success rate? Zero fucking percent.

9.Daredevil (2003): This is the first Ben Affleck movie on the list and while bad, definitely not his worst. Why they decided to make a movie out of Daredevil I will never know. He is arguably one of the lamest heroes in all of comic book history. I mean come on, he can see sound waves after being blinded by radioactive waste? REALLY? What's worse is that this POS spawned Elektra and we all know how well that turned out.

8. Gothika (2003): Did any of you guys watch this? Halle Berry works in a mental institution and kills her husband. But wait, did she? With the help of a ghost, she kills the sheriff that has some stupid tattoo that's supposed to have some significance to the film. FML.

7. I Know Who Killed Me (2007): Oh sweet Jesus, why?

6. Gigli (2003): Who gave money to Ben Affleck to make this movie? And why would they do such a thing? Who could possible be responsible for this? Jennifer Fucking Lopez, that's who. And that's where the lesson of this film comes from: just because you're fucking someone doesn't mean you need to give them money to spend on ridiculous shit.

5. The Island (2005): When I saw the trailer for this movie, I immediately asked the person next to me, "Is this a remake of 'Logan's Run'?". They responded with, "I don't know what 'Logan's Run' is, but Scarlett Johansson is fucking hot!". This must have been the general consensus because everybody I talked to loved this movie. It has the same plot and overall action as Logan's Run but the credits make absolutely no mention to the classic '76 sci-fi film. I mean for God's sake, the main characters have the same names. Thank you Michael Bay for directing this as it would lead to a long and illustrious career of me hating you.

4. 10,000 BC (2008): What the fuck was going on in these writers minds? First there is mammoth hunting. Then the main character goes over a mountain and across a desert to discover that his father who left when he was a child invented pre-modern agriculture. Then he runs into prehistoric ostrich-raptors all before he is enslaved by the Persians to help build the Great Pyramids. And did I mention that his prison was a steel cage that had hinges? Oh yeah, steel. And hinges. This movie makes Ice Age look like a documentary.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008): Fuck George Lucas and fuck Stephen Speilberg. Now that that's out of the way, I can start to hate this movie for real reasons. First of all, why Shia LaBeouf, why? I was such a fan and then you had to throw your name into this shit. And Russians? NO! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING NAZI'S! BOND HAS RUSSIANS, JONES HAS NAZI'S. THOSE ARE THE FUCKING RULES!!! And if that wasn't the shit in my cereal, the whole thing was about aliens!?! WTF.

2. Catwoman (2004): My brain explodes when I think of this movie. As I type I am literally bleeding from my ears. Not only did twenty eight (28) DIFFERENT writers fuck this one up, but Academy Award winner Halle Berry has absolutely no excuse here. I mean, I've never been a cat burglar but I sure as shit wouldn't be going on heists in ripped leather pants and an uncomfortable looking bra. Not to mention the fucktard helmet slash mask she wears. That shit really had to cut down on peripheral vision. And why did Catwoman "meow" all the time? Was she supposed to literally be part cat? As arguably the worst comic book movie ever made, this skid mark in the underpants of cinema easily deserves the number two spot on this list.

And finally,
1. Pearl Harbor (2001): This was the pre-mehatingMichaelBaydays as I thought that this film was a collaboration of fuck ups between writers, director, producers and cast. Hell, I'll even say that the Best Grip did a shitty job. Absolutely nothing about this film was redeeming barring the fifteen minutes that Cuba Gooding Jr was shootin down Japs with a .50 cal. And this movie is like three hours long. That's equal to two mildly less shitty movies. But yet again, we see Ben Affleck creep into another film on this list. I think I knew at this point in his career that I was going to hate him forever. He's just really bad. I mean, just awful. I think I'd rather stick my hand in the garbage disposal while I was forced to watch Teen Mom as I was ass raped by "The Situation" than watch another one of Affleck's films.

I know this might not be your ideal list of crappy movies, but this also isn't your fucking blog. Feel free to leave comments as to things I missed, and I'll feel free to ignore them.


Worst movies ever.

Special Edition

Recently, an online video was brought to my attention. Normally I don't go in for these kind of things but this one hit close to home.
If you have ever wondered how I come up with some of the observations I have or how I have become as jaded as I am, look no further than this video.



By far, BEST movie ever...

The Last Resort

It's spring break in America. A time in this country when beautiful (and sometimes not so beautiful) coeds show off their chests and genitals to complete strangers. They flock in droves to destinations like Daytona Beach and South Padre Island. It’s a time when binge drinking is considered acceptable and chastity is considered a four letter word. It’s a time when excess is the moral standard and all things taboo are temporarily permissible. It's also a week long period that most people don't really remember but are reminded of only when they look at the pictures on their cameras.
It really is an American tradition. And it is in that tradition that I dedicate this entry of WME: The Last Resort.
Our feature starts with a white guy with bloody knuckles writing a hasty letter of some kind. Also he doesn't have ears. And I don't mean that he was born without them, I mean that they were cut off. We find out later that he cut them himself because he couldn't stand what the voices in his head were saying. My first thought? Van Gogh ain't got nothin on this guy.
Cut to the outside of the building where a Mexican lynch mob has formed. How do I know they're a lynch mob? Through the cunning use of lynch mob style weapons. A rundown of these weapons include: a pitchfork, a shotgun, a hunting rifle, a shovel, and a scythe.
A scythe? Really? Are they growing wheat in Medieval Europe? Who uses a scythe anymore? I'm sure even the Grimm Reaper only brings his out when he's wearing his dress cloak. And even then only for fancy dress parties.
Anyway, the mob busts in on No Ear Man as he's cutting out the tongue of some woman who is tied up. They ask him what he is doing. He asks if they can hear it, then he eats the freshly severed tongue. The mob shoots him.
WTF.
The next scene starts with the introduction to our main players. Since there were five main characters I opted to give them nicknames instead of keeping up with the actual names. Otherwise this whole thing might sound like a teenage girl rambling about a rumor she heard at the gym. Example: "Brittany said that she heard from Ashley that Monica cheated on Brad. But I heard from Ashley's sister Kailie that it was Chelsea's roommate who slept with Brad and that Monica has no idea that..." and so on and so forth. And while that would make for one hell of a Facebook post, I gave them names we can all relate to.
They are as follows:

Slut - first person to do the deed in the movie.

Prude - told a guy point blank that she wasn't gonna fuck him and was then teased by her girlfriends for doing so.

Bride - she is the bride-to-be. By the way, the reason they are in Mexico is partially for this woman's bachelorette party; also partially because they are all skanks who "LOVE SPRING BREAK"!!!

Bitch - the responsible one of the group, therefore a bitch.

And finally,

Jenny - I called her this because the character was obsessed with weight loss. She is named Jenny after Jenny Craig (registered trademark). It seemed fitting. Get it? Fitting?

So the main story starts with our players finding their hotel. Bride tells everyone to deposit their luggage because they are wasting valuable drinking time. This is the first and last time I will agree with anything that any of the characters say.
The next time we see our all star ensemble is outside of a bar that, upon first glance, looks like a great place to go if one of your main hobbies is date rape.
But on their way to the entrance, our gaggle of lovely ladies is accosted by the scourge of any third world country; a series of local street vendors!
DA-NA-NAH!
Slut sees some kind of trinket that she likes and the old woman working the booth tells her in Spanish that it costs ten dollars. Slut doesn’t know Spanish so she kind of shrugs and asks/yells at the old woman if she'll take five dollars. The old woman nods. Slut asks if she'll take American money.
Who goes to a different country without exchanging at least some currency? Granted it is Mexico, but have a little respect for the local economy.
Anyway, the old woman tells her she's beautiful and asks Slut if she can read her palm as she snatches the young girl's hand. The old woman tells her that her and her friends are doomed to die a horrible death (again in Spanish) but since no one speaks the language, they laugh it off and head into the bar.
At this point, I would like to reinstate my objection to not knowing the language of the country you are visiting. I'm not asking for fluency, just enough to get by.

"Dónde está la biblioteca?"

"Una más cerveza por favor."

"El festival está en mis pantalones!"

Ya know, the basics.

After slinking into the bar, we notice that you can't judge a book by its cover. This bar on the outside was kinda sketchy, but on the inside it looks like a TGI Fridays. Only here we don't have waiters who are forced to wear large amounts of flair in order to make people that they're hip.
So the girls are drinking and having a good time. They dance and take a shot. They talk to some people and take a shot. They play some pool and have a shot.
But the monotony breaks when two guys see the party of girls and decide to go talk to them. We shall dub these men Geeky Dude 1 and 2 for short. GD1 is a major cheese ball, delivering lines that only a seventh grade band nerd could think would work. GD2 is surprisingly smooth.
The guys offer to buy them drinks and they all end up dancing and having a good time.
GD1 singles out Prude and chats her up while GD2 takes a liking to Slut. Shockingly, Slut leaves with GD2 and GD1 makes a move on another girl at the bar.
As the night winds down, we see Bitch, Prude and Jenny sitting at the bar. Bitch says they should probably go back to the hotel. Bitch looks over to see Bride basically being dry humped by this big yoked up white guy. Bitch walks over and explains that they are leaving but muscle man tells Bitch that he plans on making sure Bride doesn't walk right for a week. Bitch is having none of it.
She knees him in the balls and then gives him a knee to the face. Total Pwnage.
The four go back to the hotel and the scene ends.
Next day, Slut wakes up next to GD2 after hearing her phone ringing. She answers and it's a call from Prude asking her where she is. She apologizes for being a whore and tells Prude that she will meet them wherever they are. Prude explains that this is a no-go because they met some tour guides on the beach who offered to take them around to see some of the local sites and that they were leaving right away. Slut says that she'll catch up with them at dinner and that she's sorry.
A question to all you white women out there; would you trust a random set of tour guides you met on the beach?
Yeah, I thought not.
So while Slut is enjoying some afternoon delight, Prude and the gang are being driven to the middle of the Mexican desert. Eventually the driver stops the tour bus and forces the women out at gun point. The women are shocked when they find out that this whole tour thing was a con to get unsuspecting tourists out in the desert so that the "guides" could rob them.
Part of me felt like they deserved to be robbed. I mean, c'mon man? You really didn’t see this shit coming?
On the plus side, Bride tries to run away and one of the guides shoots her in the lower leg.
Good job on his part going below the waist. If they're caught, he could only be charged with robbery and ATTEPMTED murder. Much less jail time that way.
Somehow while all this is going on, Prude manages to get a phone call in to Slut and tells her that they are being jacked in the desert by some guys and that they are somewhere near a bell tower surrounded by palm trees. The gun toting guide takes the phone, along with everyone's valuables and the two criminals escape in the van leaving the women in to their fate. But adding insult to injury (literally), while leaving he hits the van's horn that just so happens to play "La Cucaracha".
After tying a turnakit to Bride's leg, our band of merry tourists decides to walk toward the bell tower in the distance.
At this point Slut is freaking out, calling the police and shit like that. She is totally fucking shocked when they won't help her. So she enlists GD1 and GD2 to help her find her friends. Why you ask? Because they actually speak the language.
So our unlikely trio goes all over town asking people whether or not they know about a bell tower and palm trees. Everybody gets freaked out. Eventually they find the old woman from the outside of the bar and they ask her. Old woman tells them what's up. That is to say that she explains how everyone is basically screwed.
Cut back to our group of unfortunate ladies and we see that they have settled into the weird bell tower building. They make the classic mistake of splitting up to find supplies. Bitch wonders into a room and has a nervous breakdown. Jenny finds the kitchen and starts eating rotten fruit. Prude finds a bedroom and starts masturbating. And Bride limps into a study where she finds the letter written by the bloody knuckled guy we met at the beginning of this travesty.
The letter explains that he tried to create a resort for people who wanted to be able to what ever they wanted. He rambles on a bit but I won't bore you with the details. Essentially, it amounts to some kind of Satan/Kama Sutra love child type church.
Eventually our trio of detectives finds their way out to the "resort" and start searching around for the other women. The first friend they find is Prude, in her birthday suit, who still has not stopped masturbating.
Wow, she must really have the Devil in her.
GD1 offers to stay with Prude while the other two go to search for everyone else.
Of course he would. He was the horny mother fucker trying to fuck her earlier in the film.
GD2 and Slut roam around a bit and find the kitchen area where Jenny is hunched over something. Slut calls her name and Jenny turns around to reveal that she is actually eating Bride's organs. GD2 and Slut wrestle her into a closet and barricade it shut.
Just then Bitch comes in wielding a knife and we see that she has also cut off her own ears. She gives them some words about a place where you can express your true desires but is cut short when GD2 tells Slut to take the gun and run away.
Where did the gun come from? Fuck if I know.
Anyway, Slut runs away and GD2 and Bitch fight for a minute. Bitch ends up slamming GD2's head into a bloody pulp against the floor.
Meanwhile, Slut goes back to where she left Prude and GD1 only to find Prude goin all cowgirl on GD1. Slut asks what Prude is doing and Prude turns around to reveal that she has slit GD1's throat but is still fucking him.
Talk about some Code 7052 (California Health and Safety Code, Chapter 2).
Prude dismounts and then tries to make out with Slut. Another no-go. Bitch comes in and stabs Prude. Then she stabs Slut, but Slut escapes.
Don't worry she doesn't make it far.
Bitch catches up to Slut in the street. The scene is set like one from an old western.
Think high noon at the OK corral.
Bitch asks Slut if she can hear it. Slut says no.
Bitch charges with the knife. Slut shoots her in the gut, Bitch goes down.
Bitch seems to come to her senses, asking Slut what happened and why her ears are missing. Slut just tells her that everything is gonna be all right and then grabs the knife from Bitch and stabs her in the heart.
Then the credits roll.

I am never EVER, for ANY reason going back to Mexico.

Worst movie ever.

Vigilante

A lot of vigilantes have graced TV screens over the years: Batman, The Crow, Green Hornet. Hell, I'll even give you MacGyver and Knight Rider for shits and giggles. They all had a reason for their own brand of justice but none as ridiculous or nearly as trivial as "Vigilante".
Vigilante is not only the title of the next film to run the gauntlet of this publication, but also the name of the jewelry selling millionaire by day, crime fighter by night hero of said film. The narrative of the story doesn't start until after we see a masked man in some kind of Ford vehicle pursuing and capturing a group of meth addicts who have just robbed a store of some kind. He catches up with them and ties them all together in a stereotypical gift for Johnny Law.
At this point I thought about turning it off, but I realized that everyone had an Australian accent. Upon the realization that this is a crappy FOREIGN film, I pressed on but not before asking a few meta questions.
One, why is his ski mask so crappy? It really looked like someone bought a big black beanie and cut some holes in it. Not unlike the one that Rocco puts on right before they ice Ron Jeremy's character in Boondock Saints.
Two, why is he driving a Ford? As we learned from Britt Reid, the best crime fighting is done in a Chrysler Imperial. Although I did go back and check what kind of car it was: a Ford XR8. I checked it out online but from everything I read, it seems like the kind of thing a dad going through a mid-life crisis would buy so he could pick up his mistress AND his kids from soccer practice in style.
Anyway, the story actually begins with a flash back in which a very unassuming white guy is having dinner with a smokin hot supermodel in an obviously fake restaurant setting. He asks if she's having a good birthday and she asks him where her present is.
This is why I hate birthdays. People are always assuming that everybody else gives a shit and has bought them some sort of gift for existing another year. Shouldn't that be a gift in and of itself? Shouldn't you be glad that you live in a time that twenty-five isn't over the hill, where you can live without threat of dying from the Plague?!
Also, this is probably why I'm still single.
So the harpy gets her way and the schmuck produces a set of diamond earrings. She says she wants to wear them now and while trying to put them on she drops one. She makes a face while he kneels down to pick it up but when he finds it he remains in the kneeling position. She asks him why he's still kneeling. He asks her to marry him and she's totally fuckin shocked.
Really? I saw this shit comin a million miles away and I've only known about your relationship for about a minute and a half. Don't women fantasize about this kind of shit? The only thing I hate more than delusional people are people who don't recognize the delusion when it comes true.
The scene cuts away from her acceptance of his proposal to some guy hugging a toilet, literally. Two thugs bang down the door so they can give him some cocaine. The guy who receives the cocaine is called Alex. He's also a complete douche, i.e. the villain. After forcefully removing two sinfully hot hookers from his bed, he empties out the contents of the baggy of cocaine onto a table as to snort it. And by the way, this is the most unrealistic cocaine ever. If I had to guess what they used, I'd say it was probably Splenda. And if you're reading this and think cocaine actually does look like Splenda, do yourself a favor; buy an eight ball, call into work and have some fun.
Next scene starts with our lovely couple on a beach at night presumably after their dinner. They're talking about how happy they are when it hastily cuts away to the interior of a car where we see our cocaine bearing cronies and Alex sitting and listening to some music that is a bit too loud. I don't know if the music is that way because they like the song or because the editor of this film was really shitty. Either way, one of the cronies sees our lovely couple sitting on the beach and we realize that both groups of people are at the same location.
It's interesting to know that romantic couples and criminals share the same taste in scenic views.
Alex randomly decides that he wants to rape the woman so they get out of the car and beat the crap out of the man (whose name is Luke by the way). Alex then has the best dialogue of the film: "I'm gonna fuck your girl like she's never been fucked before. Then I'm gonna fuck you".
Whoa dude! Really? It's not enough that you're gonna rape someone, you're gonna double down? Dude must have ice water in his veins. He's probably gonna top the night off with throwing new born kittens at passing trains.
The plot being set into motion, our hero wakes up in the hospital with a ridiculously hot woman standing over him. This is Detective Pauline. We'll call her Pauly. She informs Luke that she is a detective and that she is working his case and she'll do all she can. She leaves as Luke's brother walks in. This is Matt. He gives Luke a stack of comic books to read because Matt thought that he might be getting bored.
I'm guessing that this is supposed to be an allusion to the "Vigilante" idea but it falls flat and just makes me want to punch someone in the face for cheapening comic books.
Later Luke's physical therapist comes in and introduces himself. After establishing a rapport with Luke, the trainer tells him that he is also an MMA fighter and would be happy to show Luke a few moves.
How convenient.
Months pass and Luke finally leaves the hospital and is headed home when he runs into Pauly. She says that the case has gone cold but she's still working on it. He says thanks and they part ways.
After a whole lot of Luke going to clubs and getting into fights, he shows up at the trainer's house to do some actual MMA training.
The next twenty minutes is nothing but montage after montage of Luke training to be some kind of bad ass fighter. After this was over, I went back and synced it up with the song "That's Called A Montage" from South Park (Season 6, Episode 3). Epic win.
Once the shenanigans ended, the trainer tells Luke that he needs to start hitting the weights, so Luke goes on down to the local gym and guess who he runs into; Detective Pauly. She shamelessly flirts with him and then realizes that it may be "too soon" for him to start dating.
I too thought this was the case, but Luke informs us that it's been two years since his fiance died and agrees to go on a date with Pauly.
This is the first mention of the fiance since the rape scene. Apparently the writer(s) just forgot about her.
Also, I didn't know that a twenty minute montage equaled two years of real time, but then again I'm not an expert in montage-ology (the science of the montage).
There's yet another montage of their date and subsequent sex scene which, by the way, is scored by seventies porno music. Very classy.
The next scene opens with Pauly eating a bowl of cereal out of a squarish looking bowl while Luke collects his things and is preparing to go. They talk about the previous night and decide that they belong together and are going to have dinner tomorrow night.
One quick thing; I absolutely hate squarish bowls. A bowl should be round. End of story. There is absolutely no way for someone to get all the liquid out of said bowl without looking like a hobo. Whoever fashioned that design of dish ware needs to be dragged out in the street and shot.
So having all this training, Luke goes and kicks some criminal ass using his awesome MMA fighting skills. However his antics cause the police to take notice. So at dinner with Pauly a couple scenes later, they start talking about this "Vigilante". He defends the actions of his alter ego while Pauly condemns the masked man. Somehow the convo degrades into a discussion of the circumstances regarding Luke's fiances death and she offends him when she says, "Who takes their lover out for a stroll at midnight? You're just asking for it!".
Thank you Detective for saying the thing I have been pondering throughout the entire film.
Luke storms off and does another crime fighting montage.
That shit got real annoying, real quick by the way.
Anyway, it moves kinda fast after that. Luke goes on a rampage and figures out that Alex was the guy who killed and raped his fiance, and decides to go after him. But when he gets to Alex's house, Pauly is waiting for him and tries to convince him not to go after Alex. They argue. She pulls a gun on him and he KNOCKS HER THE FUCK OUT!!! Fucking brilliant, right?
So he gets inside and battles Alex's two cronies from the beginning of the film. They beat him and tie him up. Luke comes to with Alex reprimanding the lackeys for tuning him up too much. The cronies decide to quit and Alex shoots them. I'm sure that wasn't the severance package they were looking for.
Alex challenges Luke to a fist fight and Luke beats him soundly. But before he can deliver the death blow, Pauly shows up.
Bummer. I really wanted this guy to get some satisfaction.
Seeing an opening, Alex grabs his pistol and shoots Pauly in the shoulder, who shoots back and kills Alex. Pauly tells Luke to run away as she doesn't want him implicated in the shooting.
Luke and Pauly meet up later where he promises that he will give up his "Vigilante" ways and the credits roll.
This film showed me two things; One, you can't even trust an island of criminals to make a decent movie ABOUT criminals.
And two,

Worst movie ever.

Polar Storm

This latest travesty to be added to the WME family is a doozy. Not because the opening reminded me of Armageddon (the biblical endtimes, not the Michael Bay fuck up), but because it somehow managed to make me welcome the sight of Armageddon (the biblical endtimes OR the Michael Bay fuck up).
Our story starts with a scene of devastation; vacant streets, badly burned bodies, that kind of thing. My favorite dead body was the one of a guy holding a cell phone who was apparently electrocuted while talking on it. I viewed this as a well hidden PSA but I doubt the other three people who watched this movie picked up on that.
Anyway, some shit happens with some people and an earthquake and normally I'd tell you guys what happened here but before I could get a bearing on important elements like character names, the scene flashes to three weeks prior.
I love it when writers use this device in a crappy movie. As though I'm watching and thinking, "Well now I HAVE to see the whole thing."
Ominous foreshadowing out of the way, we are finally introduced to a harebrained scientist who we will call Doc. Partly because he's a doctor but mostly because I've been dying to make a Snow White reference in one of these posts.
So Doc is seen on the TV in a bakery by all the cheerful people of Smalltown, USA who are in dire need of their morning coffee and daily diabetes inducing confections. Marginally important people in this scene: the cute clerk Zoe (who is supposed to be some kind of love interest), and Stepmom. I call her Stepmom because I initially missed her name and the only other time someone spoke to her, she was referred to as "honey". And before you say "Why didn't you just rewind it?", remember that I review shitty movies. Once through is enough; even I have limits.
There are a couple of character building scenes but they pretty much fail so I'll skip right to some more of the fun stuff.
Doc has traveled to the remote reaches of Alaska (inside the Arctic Circle to be only slightly more exact) to collect data from a comet passing dangerously close to Earth. Doc, by the way, has a doctorate in astrophysics; thus his interest in mobile heavenly bodies. He has set up an array of equipment on the roof of his Ford Explorer that is comprised of what appears to be a DirecTV dish, an old school short wave radio antenna, and what I can only describe as a Transformer in extreme disrepair. With all that equipment my immediate thought was, "Well if the whole science thing doesn't pan out, he's always got a job at Truck Toys outfitting vehicles for people who need porn on the go."
Finally he gets back in the car and his assistant pulls up some comet info on his computer. Don't worry about the assistant's name; he'll be dead in a minute. Anyway, we find out that a piece of the comet has broken off and is heading, guess where? No not Sarah Palin's house. It's headed for a spot about a hundred meters from where there are sitting. About ten seconds later, they see the giant ball of fury streak across the sky and impact. But instead of resigning their fate to the nature of the universe, they throw the car in drive an attempt to outrun the fiery death. Doc explains that there is an avalanche shelter close by but they need to boogie. Of course when they get there, the Doc makes it to the door just in time to see his colleague consumed by the hellish wrath of an impact event.
Now before you start thinking that this would be impossible, just know that this was easily the most believable part of our heroes journey. We haven't even got to the part about the Marianas Trench yet.
Meanwhile back in Smalltown, Stepmom (Doc's wife) and Shane (Doc's son) are grieving over the apparent death of their loved one. But what's this? A taxi pulls up and out pops Doc.
A few things here: they didn't shut down the airlines till later in the movie, and I know that cell phones work because Stepmom ended a call just as Doc pulls up. So here's my question; How come the first thing he did was call a taxi instead of calling his family? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that his wife is annoying as shit or the fact that his son is a maladjusted emo wannabe with daddy issues. But what do I know.
After the reunion, there's an earthquake. Doc decides to go over some comet data but finds that its classified. Frustrated, he gazes out the window and makes a perplexed look.
The next morning, we see him up on his roof with some sort of equipment doing some sort of measuring. His wife walks up and asks what he's doing. He says he's tracking the sun. She asks with a tone that seems to assign some kind of frivolity to his endeavour, "What are you tracking the sun for?"

He's a fucking astrophysicist! He does shit like that because it's his fucking job!

But instead of threatening to slap her and making a Honeymooners reference, he tells her that last night the sun set behind Eagle Peak. She notes that it's never set behind Eagle Peak.
And then we see the gears in her near vacant head start to turn.
Across town in a park, Shane runs into Zoe and her stereotypical bully boyfriend. Boyfriend challenges Shane to a race to settle some high school related score. Shane agrees and they line up their cars to settle this dispute that I can only assume is somehow centered around the slightly nerdy yet probably hottest girl in town, Ms. Zoe. All of this would be well and good except Bully boyfriend has a 66 Mustang and Shane has a 93 Thunderbird. My grandmother drove a 93 Thunderbird right before she traded up for a Crown Vic. But none of this really matters because right before the race is set to start, the ground opens up and bully boytoy disappears into an abyss that we can only hope entombed him in the sweet sweetness of a car he was about to race. Needless to say, Shane and Zoe escape but have no signal to call for help so are forced to walk all night. It isn't until early afternoon the next day that Stepmom notices that Shane is missing. Her and Doc are about to try and find him when our illustrious PHD is summoned to the local military base by the President himself. And you know who the senior general at this base is? Doc's father.
I told you it was a small town.
After a heartwarming reunion where we find out that the two haven't spoken for years, the General brings Doc into see the President and one of his cabinet members via Skype.
I guess if Skype's good enough for web cam porn, it's good enough for the Oval Office.
Doc and the cabinet member argue some technical jargon for a minute before they're interrupted by the President who asks Doc how bad of a situation the world is in. Doc responds with quote, "This isn't something like global warming where we can drag our feet."
Bham! Take that you hybrid driving, eco-fascists. And while we're on the subject, the polar bears are doing just fine. "Oh, but they look so sad when they're all wet from having to swim". One, every animal looks sad when it's soaking wet. When I give my dog a bath, she looks like a drowned rat. That doesn't mean I feel sorry for her being clean. Two, they swim to go get food. There is no polar bear version of Luby's. Their lives aren't like a fucking Coca-Cola commercial where they can walk up to Santa and order a Coke. Truth is Santa probably has a hunting rifle next to his hat rack so he can shoot any of the evil white demons if they try to make away with a part of his elven workforce.
Also, they are not swimming to catch penguins. Penguins live in the south pole and if you try to argue with me I will fucking sock your nose.
Anyway, the big guy doesn't buy Doc's argument and says that it's nothing to worry about. Sure enough, EMP storms pop up all around the globe and everyone realizes that the Doc was right. Another Skype session is called and the Doc informs them that "mini-poles" have formed all around the globe causing EMP storms to wreak havoc on not just electronics and human life, but the Earth's magnetic field.
I don't have to have a degree in physics to know that this sounds like bullshit, but I went the extra mile for you guys and called up a good friend of mine who DOES have a degree in physics to ask him for a professional opinion.

He had this to say:

Physicist: Don't mention my name. I don't want people in my department lookin at me all weird if they read this.

Me: Fine. Have you ever heard of a "mini-pole"?

Physicist: What the fuck is a "mini-pole"?

Me: Like a small version of the north or south poles.

Physicist: What the fuck are you talking about?

Me: Is it possible for a bunch of new poles to form all around the world?

Physicist: You get two. That's it. Sometimes they change sides but it's always gonna be that kinda dichotomy. Are we done? I got a hot date with some neutrons.

Me: What on Earth are you talking about..?

I left out the rest of the interview because he got kind of graphic with the details. Apparently "neutrons" is a sexual euphemism in certain circles.
Where were we? Ah yes. "Mini-poles" and the problems they create. So the Doc says that a nuclear blast with the same magnitude as that of the comet piece that struck the earth should realign the planet's axis, thereby solving all our problems.
Why do these movies always somehow circle back to weapons of mass destruction suddenly being the salvation of the living world?
Whatever the case, they decide to detonate two warheads at the bottom of the Marianas Trench delivered by a late sixties model Russian sub, one hundred meters from the bottom.
And for those of you new to the geography game, that's the deepest part of the ocean that also happens to be the most naturally pressurized place this side of the lithosphere. In other words, it's mission impossible on it's face. Not to mention the fact that they would have to out run a hundred megaton blast in a vessel that hasn't seen active duty since Ringo Starr was considered attractive.
So Doc and the General team up with a Russian sub captain for this supposed one way trip to save the Earth. I would make some quip about the USA arming a Russian sub here, but frankly I'm still reeling from the "Mini-Poles" Interview.
The sea dogs do somehow reach the bottom of the Trench (which is highly doubtful), and launch the nukes (more than highly doubtful), and then decide to try and out run the biggest fucking tsunami ever fucking imagined (really?). Oh ho, but there's more. Doc realizes that they are coming up on some rather large sea floor vents. He tells the captain to steer directly into the exhaust of said vents in the hope that they will be propelled out of harms way.
Sure enough, they make it and again we see Doc pulling up to the house with his wife and son apparently grieving over his death. He gets out, hugs them, and credits roll.
Let me ask you a few questions: Shouldn't he be getting some kind of medal for this shit? Shouldn't he have a statue commissioned in his image? At the very least he should get a fucking parade!
But no. After all that, all he gets is his vapid wife and his under achieving emo son.

Worst movie ever.

She's Crushed

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; this installment of WME is brought to you by the letter "S". Yes that's right; the letter "S".
As in stalker.
As many of you may know, I have a stalker. She is probably reading this right now just like many of you. And even though she knows who she is, and most of my friends have heard at least one story concerning her, I will not mention her name here. At least that's what I've been advised to do by my lawyer who, coincidentally seems to be dragging his feet on the restraining order I told him to draft.
Whatever the pending legal status may be, this one is dedicated to her. Although, now that I think about it, she'll probably take this as a compliment and assume I'm asking her to the winter formal or something as equally bat shit crazy.
Anyway, the movie starts out as any movie does these days; with a DVD menu. It's hard enough to believe that someone got funding for this travesty, but they went the extra mile on this one. They went back and recorded a cast commentary. I have not, as of yet, had the stones to torture myself to that degree.
So after pushing play, the opening credits start rolling and the images that are played behind them are something of a Smashing-Pumpkins-music-video meets Dionysian-blood-orgy love child. I was genuinely disturbed, and I'm pretty sure that was not the intended effect.
Enter our protagonist, Ray (insert cheering here). A very unassuming guy who looks like an insurance adjuster. He pulls up to work and gets his "briefcase" out of the car when he hears someone struggling to move some luggage (BTW, it's in quotations because it's actually a backpack. C'mon Ray. Buy an attache or something. You're a businessman for fuck sake.). So he goes over to see what the hullabaloo is about and he finds an attractive but could-have-herpes looking woman.
Enter our antagonist, Tara (insert boos and hisses here). He helps her with the extremely heavy luggage and the whole time I'm waiting for a "Whah da you have in there, dead bodies?" joke, but alas, I am thwarted. She says thanks, he says good bye and walks back to work that is somehow magically on the other side of her fence.
But wait! Before he can slip in the door, his boss comes out to the parking lot and chastises him for being late. He tries to explain but she'll have none of it. What a bitch, right? But what they didn't know was that Tara was watching the whole admonishment through a hole in her fence. Why? Who cares; it'd be creepy no matter what the answer.
Forward to the end of the work day and Ray is walking to his car. As he is closing his trunk, Tara pops out from behind the fence where she has presumably been hiding all day. She asks him if he wouldn't mind helping her again. He obliges and he follows her into her house and puts a TV on its stand. She asks if he wants a beer, and he says he can't but she talks him into it. She goes and gets a couple and they have a chat about his job (Oh, and he is an insurance adjuster apparently).
The beer was Fat Tire, by the way. One more reason not to trust people who drink that weird ass indie beer.
Next scene, we see Ray running up to a woman and apologizing that he's late. This is his girlfriend, Maddie (insert appropriate supporting actress noise here). She gets mad at him not because he's late, but because he smells like beer. Aaaahhhh beer. One. A singular beverage.
Get off you high horse woman. You look like you personally keep Colombian drug lords in business.
Then she starts bitching about how her and her son (like she didn't have enough baggage) need someone reliable in their lives. She storms off and he decides to go tie one on with his old army buddy who ends up playing russian roulette with some random guy at a bar. Not my first choice, but hey; different strokes right?
Ray ends up drunk on Harry Hines Boulevard (yes, this was filmed in Dallas) drowning his sorrows in a bottle of triple sec. Again, not my first choice.
But guess who happens to show up to drive his drunk ass home? You guessed it, TARA!!!
When our main guy comes to, he is naked next to Tara. He looks really distraught, but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with his possible exposure to an STD than it has to do with his infidelity. He gets his clothes and slips out the door like a douchebag.
When he gets home, he finds out that during his bender, his girlfriend got in a car wreck. BAM! That's gotta make you feel bad. Your woman was getting stitches while you were gettin some strange. That's worth AT LEAST a couple dozen "Our Father's".
But life goes on. He apologizes, swears he won't do it again and goes to work. He's late again and his boss tells him that she is gonna take it out of his vacation time. Super bitch move. I hope that your position as Queen of Bitchville doesn't come back to bite you in the ass later.
So with another nondescript day done, he heads back to his car to drive home. But in true stalker fashion, Tara is already waiting at his car. She wants him to come over, he says no. She asks why. He tells her that the sexytime was a mistake. Then she asks if he's breaking up with her. And were I person who has never had a stalker, I probably would have laughed. I just shuddered instead. Anyway, she storms off.
She gets back to her house to find a man waiting on her front porch. He tells her that she's not supposed to have a relationship for a full calendar year. Then they fuck on her kitchen table. Although, she doesn't actually appear to be enjoying it. At one point he says, "Don't get any shit on my dick. I don't have time to shower before I go back to work". A real charmer, right? But keep this guy in mind for later though, as his role is completely fucking stupid and pointless.
He leaves, she takes a bath and shaves her armpits with a Bowie knife. I really don't think that was the intended use of said blade, and I'm pretty sure James Bowie is rolling in his grave somewhere. Oh yeah, and then she makes a cardboard standee of Ray; complete with a photo of his face where the face would normally be.
Later in the movie, she ambushes him at a job site while he's talking to his partner Donny who is in the middle of making a tasteless Bang, Kill or Marry joke about Mother Teresa. Ray tells her to get lost and she goes on a tirade asking Donny if Ray has told him about their one night stand. Donny deflects the question but she presses further and asks if he knew that Ray was into golden showers. It only gets more disturbing from there. Finally Tara leaves and our main guy is back at his house drying his hair after what we can assume is a normal, non golden shower. He then turns around and proposes to his girlfriend who is ironically right behind him sitting on the toilet and taking a piss. And who said romance was dead..?
So, she says yes and he does what anyone would do after a marriage proposal; he checks his voicemail. He has nine new messages, all from Tara.
I was thinking, "That lucky mother fucker. I would give my left arm for an under ten stalker message count". And of course all the messages conflict with one another: I love you, I hate you, I need you inside me, I'm gonna cut your dick off, But I've got tickets for Cirque du Soleil, I want you to WANT to do the dishes. That kind of thing.
A couple of days pass and we see Ray and Maddie drive up to a drug store. Maddie informs us that she's just gonna be a minute and leaves the car to enter the store. Ray is waiting in the car when Tara jumps in the passenger side. She tells him that he needs to call her cause she's so in love with him. He says no, so she flips on the whore switch and puts his hand in her crotch. He recoils with disgust, but wait! What's this? Blood? Yep, you guessed it; her va-jay-jay is currently entertaining Aunt Flo.
I am in no way an expert on the female condition or the equipment that it encompasses, but I'm pretty damn sure you would be wearing panties during this event. Otherwise it seems like you'd be going through a hell of a lot of clothing. And god forbid if you have white furniture!
Tara ends up leaving before wifey gets back and the next thing we see is Ray picking up his dry cleaning. Tara follows him to his car and reveals a shocking present for him in trunk.
Any guesses as to what it is?

(Pause for logical deduction)

IT'S A PUPPY!!!

Nah, it's his dead boss. But she was a bitch anyway, so I didn't feel bad. He threatens to call the cops, but she says that if he does that, all the evidence would point to him killing and raping her.
Wait, raping? Yes that's right. Remember the one night stand that Ray and Tara had? She saved the condom and inserted his business into the dead dragon lady.
Hat's off to you stalker. That takes some serious foresight. I don't know if I should be impressed or inspired. Aside from the whole crazy thing, you really got this shit on lock down.
Ray opts to avoid possible jail time and agrees to help bury the body. They get to a suitable remote locale and Tara says that they have to make sure the body is unrecognizable. She starts hacking it up with a shovel and our fearless Iraq vet starts to puke.
I immediately say, "Weren't you in Iraq?".
So did Tara. But then again, I do know stalkers...
There is a shining light to this scene however. She keeps hacking away and then makes a surly kind of face. She looks up and says, "Fuck, she had sushi for lunch".
Ray vomits.
I laughed.
They go back to the car and she opens the trunk to put the shovel away, and says, "Ah bummer. It looks like she shit all over your trunk.".
Ray vomits again.
Again, I laughed.
That being done, our characters go back to their lives for a few days; cause that makes PERFECT sense.
The rest is quick until the climax.
Tara ends up killing Donny and gun-happy army buddy. Well, not killing; that's a misnomer. She gives them a lobotomy and they die due to the GIANT HOLE DRILLED IN THEIR HEADS!
Anyway, she lures Ray to her house, hits him in the head, and ties him up in the basement and calls Maddie over under false pretenses. She also ends up hitting Maddie on the head and tying her up next to Ray.
Favorite part: Tara is about to kill Maddie when there is a knock at the front door. Tara goes to answer it and it's the creepy dude from the earlier portion of the movie. Remember, the "no shit on my dick guy" I told you to remember? Well, he comes in the house and walks around like he owns the place. He talks to Tara for a minute and is interrupted by something that sounds like it's coming from the basement. Tara ends up distracting him and he continues his convo with Tara. He tells her that she needs to be at the hospital tomorrow for her tests. She says she'll be there. He propositions her for sex, but she says she's in a hurry. In consolation, she says, "But I always have time to give my Daddy a blow job.".
WTF mate! Creepy anal lover is her father? That was definitely not a necessary plot point, nor was it relevant. In fact, I was so weirded out by the revelation that I went and took a shower. Eeeeehhhh...
Meanwhile in the basement, we find out that Maddie is preggers with Ray's child. Right about this time, Tara comes back down. Her and Maddie end up in a cat fight that somehow knocks out Ray. Maddie ends up stabbed in the gut and bleeds to death. Ray comes to and starts crying. Tara starts in on some sort of "it's for the best" speeches when Maddie's phone rings. It's her child's school; he needs to be picked up. Tara decides to go get him, presumably to kill him.
She leaves the basement to change out of her blood soaked blouse, allthewhile Ray hulks the fuck out and breaks his restraints so he can save little Billy.
This left me wondering; You can't get this adrenaline rush for your fiance, but a child that's not yours brings out the Lou Ferrigno in you? Right.
So by the time he busts out, Tara's gone. So Ray does the only logical thing to catch up with her; He carjacks an 80 year old man.
Eventually, he finds the two, but not before she has killed the small child and smeared his blood on her face.
Wow(!) is all I have for that one.
She ends up hitting Ray on on the head with a two by four and bringing him back to her house.
She gives him a lobotomy and then gives him a strip tease. Then she turns him into a marionette by tying ropes to his wrists.
Then she gets mad that he never does anything, and that he's so lifeless. Her words, not mine.
So she chops him up and puts him in some luggage that she then drags to her car; effectively completing some sort of retarded cycle that we should have seen coming.
It all ends with the credits rolling over an opossum carcass rotting and being devoured by insects.
So what can we take away from this film? What was the underlying meaning?

1. "She's Crushed" is what can happen if you help strangers.

2. "She's Crushed" any hope I had of getting rid of my stalker.

And most importantly,

3. "She's Crushed" is the worst movie ever.