Backwoods

Haylie Duff is in this movie. You know, Hillary Duff's sister that played Summer Wheatly in Napolean Dynamite. And the only reason I decided to watch it was because she has HUGE tracks of land and I was hoping to get a look at them.

I was denied.

Our newest mockery of cinema begins with an opening credit montage of grizzly images and horrible metal music. Not to say that the whole of the metal genre is horrible, just this specific side of it. It was like a bad remake of the opening credits of True Blood. They even used that time lapse shot of the fox being eaten by maggots.

Speaking of True Blood, WTF? Faeries, really?

Anyway, after the credits we see this scantily clad young redhead emerge from a tent and calling out the name of a man who we assume is her boyfriend. We'll call her Red and we shall call him Dead. After Dead shows up out of the woods, he tells her that he needs some squishy but before he can basically rape her (this a theme throughout BTW), a park ranger shows up and asks Dead if he can have a word with him.
This is Rick. Yes, that's right. Ranger fucking Rick.
After Dead leaves our line of sight with Rick, some weird hillbilly comes out of the bush to try and kidnap Red. She flees to the woods where, in a clearing, she sees Dead being stabbed to death by Rick.
You see now why his name is Dead.
Red screams and runs further into the woods. But an interesting thing occurs here; when she first came out of the tent, she looked as though she had just showered. That is to say that she didn't have a dirty look about her. But now, after running only a few minutes and having not fallen down by the way (which is very rare for these types of films), she appears to be covered in soot. Apparently sometime off screen she took a page out of the Navy SEAL handbook and tried to camouflage herself.
Obviously it didn't work because she is quickly apprehended by one of the hill people. She is brought to some strange place and tied to a bed where she is forced to have sex with a ridiculously large man who has a cleft lip.
Uuugggghhhhhhh. Gross.
When she wakes, she is told that she is preggers and that this is her new home.

Meanwhile, the Masters Of Evil were planning to take care of Iron Man, Thor and the rest of the Avengers in a cunning display of...

Wait, wrong thing. I have been watching way too many cartoons lately.

The aforementioned movie picks back up in a corporate conference room where our main players are introduced but not by name. I say not by name because no ones name is said. A foolish move I believe.
The leader of these players, Bossman, tells all the subordinates that they have been selected to go on a company retreat.
Bully for them.
He further informs them that it shall be a paintball, team building exercise.

This sounds ridiculous but this shit actually happens in the corporate world. They get money to go out and do stupid shit and then they get to write it off as a business expense which in turn causes the price of whatever they are selling to go up (which in this case is video games) and forces us, the consumer, to pay a higher premium for said product. It's fucking fascism.

After dividing up the group into two teams, they hit the road. the teams are as follows:

Team Alpha:
Bossman
Duff
Asshole
Obvious Duff Love Interest a.k.a. Travis

Team Beta:
Black Man
Asian
Token Other Female Team Member a.k.a. Blondie
Gay Guy (GG)

So in their two separate cars, our teams set out into the wilderness to play some overpriced paintball. After some brief and pointless albeit sexist conversation, they decided to pull over at a creepy rest stop to fuel up and take a piss.

Plot point: As the gang walks into the store, Asshole is talking about how he's gonna "bag him some bodies". The clerk overhears this but continues to be his creepo self. Most of the guys leave to get back in the car. But on the way out, Duff sees a poster of missing Red and Dead. Bossman and Travis stay back to ask the clerk for the most out of the way places to camp.
But why would they want out of the way places to camp you ask? Oh, that's because they decided to have this little corporate retreat in a wildlife reserve and its illegal to engage in paint balling activities on government property.
I know, I know. It makes my head hurt too.

So after the clerk, whose name turns out to be Jethro, tells them where they can camp without outside interference, our merry band sets out to engage in a federal offense of a team building fuck up.
After Team Alpha gets their tents set up and calls Team Beta to say goodnight, everyone gets drunk.
Finally.
Everyone passes out but later in the night, Bossman leaves his tent with a couple of beers and heads for Duff's tent. He enters the tent and proposes some sexytime. Duff is having none of it and tells Bossman that she has in fact put in for a transfer because of his sexual advances at work.

BOO YA!

Anyway, later Travis gets up to piss in the night and thinks he sees someone in the woods. When everyone wakes up the next day, they are all in blue camo fatigues.
Lame.
Team Alpha sets out to try and capture the flag of Team Beta when they come across a trip wire trap in the woods. Bossman triggers it remotely and a large net falls to the ground. Everyone thinks it's Team Beta. Everyone but Travis. He reveals to the group that he thinks he saw someone out in the woods around their camp last night.
No one believes him.

Quick thing: why would you think think he's lying? What could he possibly gain?
Also, throughout this whole exchange it was hard for me to concentrate on the scene because on a tree behind them was an inscription. It read "Karla (heart symbol) Karl 4ever". It really pulled me out of the moment.

The scene flashes over to Team Beta where they are looking quite lost even though they have the "smart" Asian character showing them the way. Who is an asthmatic by the way.
That comes in handy later.
So they start talking amongst themselves about how they are lost when Blondie asks the group what that thing in the distance is. It turns out to be a house. GG decides he wants no part of it so Black Man, Asian and Blondie go to the house to ask if they have a phone. They get to the door and realize its unlocked. Black Man decides to go in and investigate.
Why the fuck a black man would walk into a random mountain home of presumed hillbillies I will never know, but as the trio explores the house, GG gets assaulted in the woods and taken away. Moments later, our trio goes down as well.

Back at camp Team Alpha, our quartet arrives to find their camp torn up. And I don't mean in that oh-a-raccoon-got-into-the-cooler kind of way. I mean the oh-shit-the-hill-people-are-hunting-us kind of way.
They decide to get in the car and drive for help, BUT WAIT! Someone has siphoned off all the gas in the car. Who could have done it? Probably the guy who immediately shoots Bossman in the neck with an arrow. The other three freak out and start running. They find a place to hide but Asshole spots one of the rednecks in a tree and shoots him in the eye with a paintball gun. He falls from the tree and dies.
That's one for the win column.
After running a bit more, they manage to get a signal on their phone and a ranger says to met him at the Cold Springs.
I like this because our characters aren't from this area but know EXACTLY WHERE IT IS!!!
So our heroes show up to the spot and find trusty old Ranger Rick. He tells them to get in the car so he can get them to safety. And by safety, we know he means certain death and/or rape.
He delivers them to the compound of hill folk where Duff is immediately separated from the men. She is taken to a special ritualistic rape chamber while the men are imprisoned in a rather state of the art jailing facility.
Duff is tied down and told that she shall be the vessel for which God's army shall be born so that humanity can survive Armageddon.
Yup, there's a religious twist to this debacle. Apparently these people believe that the end is nigh and they have to breed soldiers for the coming war. Leave it to the Christians to kidnap, rape and impregnate all in the name of their Lord. Oh yeah, they also make meth. That bit is important later.
Over in the men's prison, we see two of the three male members of Team Beta. They are bound and gaged just like Travis. Except Travis is being pulled out of his cell for interrogation. He is brought to a room where Ranger Rick asks him how many more government agents are out in the woods. Travis tells Rick that they are not government agents, just computer programmers. Rick doesn't believe him and brings out GG. Rick says that if Travis doesn't cooperate, GG dies. Travis repeats his previous statement and Rick shatters GG's skull with a sledge hammer. Clerk Jethro from earlier enters and is asked by Rick if Jethro is sure that these guys are FBI. Jethro tells Rick that one of them was gonna "bag him some bodies" when they came into his store. Rick slaps him and tells Jethro to finish off Travis. Rick leaves. Travis escapes and kills Jethro.
Back in the prison, asthmatic Asian has an attack and dies. The jailer ignores it. But just as the jailer is moving into kill Black Man, Travis comes in and saves the day. He frees Black Man and Asshole, who are the only other remaining male members of the original group.
Over in the rape room, Duff is tied down as some women come in to pray for her fertility. Duff notices that one of them is Red. Duff asks her for help. Red says no; this is her new home and that she loves her baby.
By the way, Red looks to be about six months preggo and she's only been missing for a couple of weeks. These crazy zealots must have some potent stuff.
Finally, cleft lip guy from earlier comes in and everyone else leaves. Duff convinces him to unshackle her and she runs away. And the cleft lip guy acts surprised.
The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Outside of this underground compound (I just found this out too BTW), the men have devised a plan for rescuing the women. Travis and Asshole go and blow up the meth lab while Black Man gets the girls.
It goes off without a hitch until Black Man emerges from the smoking cinders with Blondie (who we find out has also been raped and is now horribly traumatized) only to be caught by the crazy Christians. Eventually the other two guys show up and are told to drop their weapons by Ranger Rick.
At this point, Black Man pulls out a grenade and says he'll kill everyone if the weirdos don't let them go. Then he goes on a tirade about "stupid crackas".

His assertions of the rural white lifestyle were quite accurate.

Asshole, Travis, Duff and Blondie end up escaping. Black Man is stabbed to death. But while our protagonists are fleeing through the woods, Asshole triggers a trap that impales him with multiple spikes. He tells the rest to go on with out him.

You wouldn't have to tell me twice.

The now trio ends up climbing a smallish mountain and are surrounded by the pursuing crazies. Blondie starts to freak out and gets REAL annoying. Then she jumps of a cliff and dies.

Thank God.

But not that weird God that those other people believe in. Ya know, the right one.

After Blondie dies, Travis has a plan. Him and Duff make out a bit and then jump off a cliff. I was hoping this was some kind of Thelma and Louise suicide pact but nay, they landed in a lake effectively escaping their pursuers. Seems like Blondie chose the wrong cliff.

The next time we see our last two survivors, they are walking down what appears to be an old highway. Duff's hair is completely dry and styled but Travis is still soaking wet.

Really?

Anyway, they see a car and flag it down. It's an ACTUAL forest ranger and he tells them everything is gonna be okay. Just then, Ranger Rick pulls up and in the bed of his truck are cleft lip guy and Hillbilly #6 (this was his title in the credits). Hillbilly #6 shoots the ACTUAL ranger in the face with an arrow. Travis steals the ACTUAL ranger's gun and kills Hillbilly #6. Travis then shoots cleft lip guy three times. It brings him down. Ranger Rick then floors it and rams his truck into the ACTUAL ranger's car. It explodes. It's awesome.

Next we see Travis in an ambulance. The police are asking him how he took down the two dead men.
Wait, two? What?
Yep. Apparently they didn't find cleft lip guy.

The movie should have ended there.
But it didn't.

And since the remaining fifteen minutes were SOOOOOOO bad, I'll save you the trouble.


Worst movie ever.