Special Edition

Recently, an online video was brought to my attention. Normally I don't go in for these kind of things but this one hit close to home.
If you have ever wondered how I come up with some of the observations I have or how I have become as jaded as I am, look no further than this video.



By far, BEST movie ever...

The Last Resort

It's spring break in America. A time in this country when beautiful (and sometimes not so beautiful) coeds show off their chests and genitals to complete strangers. They flock in droves to destinations like Daytona Beach and South Padre Island. It’s a time when binge drinking is considered acceptable and chastity is considered a four letter word. It’s a time when excess is the moral standard and all things taboo are temporarily permissible. It's also a week long period that most people don't really remember but are reminded of only when they look at the pictures on their cameras.
It really is an American tradition. And it is in that tradition that I dedicate this entry of WME: The Last Resort.
Our feature starts with a white guy with bloody knuckles writing a hasty letter of some kind. Also he doesn't have ears. And I don't mean that he was born without them, I mean that they were cut off. We find out later that he cut them himself because he couldn't stand what the voices in his head were saying. My first thought? Van Gogh ain't got nothin on this guy.
Cut to the outside of the building where a Mexican lynch mob has formed. How do I know they're a lynch mob? Through the cunning use of lynch mob style weapons. A rundown of these weapons include: a pitchfork, a shotgun, a hunting rifle, a shovel, and a scythe.
A scythe? Really? Are they growing wheat in Medieval Europe? Who uses a scythe anymore? I'm sure even the Grimm Reaper only brings his out when he's wearing his dress cloak. And even then only for fancy dress parties.
Anyway, the mob busts in on No Ear Man as he's cutting out the tongue of some woman who is tied up. They ask him what he is doing. He asks if they can hear it, then he eats the freshly severed tongue. The mob shoots him.
WTF.
The next scene starts with the introduction to our main players. Since there were five main characters I opted to give them nicknames instead of keeping up with the actual names. Otherwise this whole thing might sound like a teenage girl rambling about a rumor she heard at the gym. Example: "Brittany said that she heard from Ashley that Monica cheated on Brad. But I heard from Ashley's sister Kailie that it was Chelsea's roommate who slept with Brad and that Monica has no idea that..." and so on and so forth. And while that would make for one hell of a Facebook post, I gave them names we can all relate to.
They are as follows:

Slut - first person to do the deed in the movie.

Prude - told a guy point blank that she wasn't gonna fuck him and was then teased by her girlfriends for doing so.

Bride - she is the bride-to-be. By the way, the reason they are in Mexico is partially for this woman's bachelorette party; also partially because they are all skanks who "LOVE SPRING BREAK"!!!

Bitch - the responsible one of the group, therefore a bitch.

And finally,

Jenny - I called her this because the character was obsessed with weight loss. She is named Jenny after Jenny Craig (registered trademark). It seemed fitting. Get it? Fitting?

So the main story starts with our players finding their hotel. Bride tells everyone to deposit their luggage because they are wasting valuable drinking time. This is the first and last time I will agree with anything that any of the characters say.
The next time we see our all star ensemble is outside of a bar that, upon first glance, looks like a great place to go if one of your main hobbies is date rape.
But on their way to the entrance, our gaggle of lovely ladies is accosted by the scourge of any third world country; a series of local street vendors!
DA-NA-NAH!
Slut sees some kind of trinket that she likes and the old woman working the booth tells her in Spanish that it costs ten dollars. Slut doesn’t know Spanish so she kind of shrugs and asks/yells at the old woman if she'll take five dollars. The old woman nods. Slut asks if she'll take American money.
Who goes to a different country without exchanging at least some currency? Granted it is Mexico, but have a little respect for the local economy.
Anyway, the old woman tells her she's beautiful and asks Slut if she can read her palm as she snatches the young girl's hand. The old woman tells her that her and her friends are doomed to die a horrible death (again in Spanish) but since no one speaks the language, they laugh it off and head into the bar.
At this point, I would like to reinstate my objection to not knowing the language of the country you are visiting. I'm not asking for fluency, just enough to get by.

"Dónde está la biblioteca?"

"Una más cerveza por favor."

"El festival está en mis pantalones!"

Ya know, the basics.

After slinking into the bar, we notice that you can't judge a book by its cover. This bar on the outside was kinda sketchy, but on the inside it looks like a TGI Fridays. Only here we don't have waiters who are forced to wear large amounts of flair in order to make people that they're hip.
So the girls are drinking and having a good time. They dance and take a shot. They talk to some people and take a shot. They play some pool and have a shot.
But the monotony breaks when two guys see the party of girls and decide to go talk to them. We shall dub these men Geeky Dude 1 and 2 for short. GD1 is a major cheese ball, delivering lines that only a seventh grade band nerd could think would work. GD2 is surprisingly smooth.
The guys offer to buy them drinks and they all end up dancing and having a good time.
GD1 singles out Prude and chats her up while GD2 takes a liking to Slut. Shockingly, Slut leaves with GD2 and GD1 makes a move on another girl at the bar.
As the night winds down, we see Bitch, Prude and Jenny sitting at the bar. Bitch says they should probably go back to the hotel. Bitch looks over to see Bride basically being dry humped by this big yoked up white guy. Bitch walks over and explains that they are leaving but muscle man tells Bitch that he plans on making sure Bride doesn't walk right for a week. Bitch is having none of it.
She knees him in the balls and then gives him a knee to the face. Total Pwnage.
The four go back to the hotel and the scene ends.
Next day, Slut wakes up next to GD2 after hearing her phone ringing. She answers and it's a call from Prude asking her where she is. She apologizes for being a whore and tells Prude that she will meet them wherever they are. Prude explains that this is a no-go because they met some tour guides on the beach who offered to take them around to see some of the local sites and that they were leaving right away. Slut says that she'll catch up with them at dinner and that she's sorry.
A question to all you white women out there; would you trust a random set of tour guides you met on the beach?
Yeah, I thought not.
So while Slut is enjoying some afternoon delight, Prude and the gang are being driven to the middle of the Mexican desert. Eventually the driver stops the tour bus and forces the women out at gun point. The women are shocked when they find out that this whole tour thing was a con to get unsuspecting tourists out in the desert so that the "guides" could rob them.
Part of me felt like they deserved to be robbed. I mean, c'mon man? You really didn’t see this shit coming?
On the plus side, Bride tries to run away and one of the guides shoots her in the lower leg.
Good job on his part going below the waist. If they're caught, he could only be charged with robbery and ATTEPMTED murder. Much less jail time that way.
Somehow while all this is going on, Prude manages to get a phone call in to Slut and tells her that they are being jacked in the desert by some guys and that they are somewhere near a bell tower surrounded by palm trees. The gun toting guide takes the phone, along with everyone's valuables and the two criminals escape in the van leaving the women in to their fate. But adding insult to injury (literally), while leaving he hits the van's horn that just so happens to play "La Cucaracha".
After tying a turnakit to Bride's leg, our band of merry tourists decides to walk toward the bell tower in the distance.
At this point Slut is freaking out, calling the police and shit like that. She is totally fucking shocked when they won't help her. So she enlists GD1 and GD2 to help her find her friends. Why you ask? Because they actually speak the language.
So our unlikely trio goes all over town asking people whether or not they know about a bell tower and palm trees. Everybody gets freaked out. Eventually they find the old woman from the outside of the bar and they ask her. Old woman tells them what's up. That is to say that she explains how everyone is basically screwed.
Cut back to our group of unfortunate ladies and we see that they have settled into the weird bell tower building. They make the classic mistake of splitting up to find supplies. Bitch wonders into a room and has a nervous breakdown. Jenny finds the kitchen and starts eating rotten fruit. Prude finds a bedroom and starts masturbating. And Bride limps into a study where she finds the letter written by the bloody knuckled guy we met at the beginning of this travesty.
The letter explains that he tried to create a resort for people who wanted to be able to what ever they wanted. He rambles on a bit but I won't bore you with the details. Essentially, it amounts to some kind of Satan/Kama Sutra love child type church.
Eventually our trio of detectives finds their way out to the "resort" and start searching around for the other women. The first friend they find is Prude, in her birthday suit, who still has not stopped masturbating.
Wow, she must really have the Devil in her.
GD1 offers to stay with Prude while the other two go to search for everyone else.
Of course he would. He was the horny mother fucker trying to fuck her earlier in the film.
GD2 and Slut roam around a bit and find the kitchen area where Jenny is hunched over something. Slut calls her name and Jenny turns around to reveal that she is actually eating Bride's organs. GD2 and Slut wrestle her into a closet and barricade it shut.
Just then Bitch comes in wielding a knife and we see that she has also cut off her own ears. She gives them some words about a place where you can express your true desires but is cut short when GD2 tells Slut to take the gun and run away.
Where did the gun come from? Fuck if I know.
Anyway, Slut runs away and GD2 and Bitch fight for a minute. Bitch ends up slamming GD2's head into a bloody pulp against the floor.
Meanwhile, Slut goes back to where she left Prude and GD1 only to find Prude goin all cowgirl on GD1. Slut asks what Prude is doing and Prude turns around to reveal that she has slit GD1's throat but is still fucking him.
Talk about some Code 7052 (California Health and Safety Code, Chapter 2).
Prude dismounts and then tries to make out with Slut. Another no-go. Bitch comes in and stabs Prude. Then she stabs Slut, but Slut escapes.
Don't worry she doesn't make it far.
Bitch catches up to Slut in the street. The scene is set like one from an old western.
Think high noon at the OK corral.
Bitch asks Slut if she can hear it. Slut says no.
Bitch charges with the knife. Slut shoots her in the gut, Bitch goes down.
Bitch seems to come to her senses, asking Slut what happened and why her ears are missing. Slut just tells her that everything is gonna be all right and then grabs the knife from Bitch and stabs her in the heart.
Then the credits roll.

I am never EVER, for ANY reason going back to Mexico.

Worst movie ever.

Vigilante

A lot of vigilantes have graced TV screens over the years: Batman, The Crow, Green Hornet. Hell, I'll even give you MacGyver and Knight Rider for shits and giggles. They all had a reason for their own brand of justice but none as ridiculous or nearly as trivial as "Vigilante".
Vigilante is not only the title of the next film to run the gauntlet of this publication, but also the name of the jewelry selling millionaire by day, crime fighter by night hero of said film. The narrative of the story doesn't start until after we see a masked man in some kind of Ford vehicle pursuing and capturing a group of meth addicts who have just robbed a store of some kind. He catches up with them and ties them all together in a stereotypical gift for Johnny Law.
At this point I thought about turning it off, but I realized that everyone had an Australian accent. Upon the realization that this is a crappy FOREIGN film, I pressed on but not before asking a few meta questions.
One, why is his ski mask so crappy? It really looked like someone bought a big black beanie and cut some holes in it. Not unlike the one that Rocco puts on right before they ice Ron Jeremy's character in Boondock Saints.
Two, why is he driving a Ford? As we learned from Britt Reid, the best crime fighting is done in a Chrysler Imperial. Although I did go back and check what kind of car it was: a Ford XR8. I checked it out online but from everything I read, it seems like the kind of thing a dad going through a mid-life crisis would buy so he could pick up his mistress AND his kids from soccer practice in style.
Anyway, the story actually begins with a flash back in which a very unassuming white guy is having dinner with a smokin hot supermodel in an obviously fake restaurant setting. He asks if she's having a good birthday and she asks him where her present is.
This is why I hate birthdays. People are always assuming that everybody else gives a shit and has bought them some sort of gift for existing another year. Shouldn't that be a gift in and of itself? Shouldn't you be glad that you live in a time that twenty-five isn't over the hill, where you can live without threat of dying from the Plague?!
Also, this is probably why I'm still single.
So the harpy gets her way and the schmuck produces a set of diamond earrings. She says she wants to wear them now and while trying to put them on she drops one. She makes a face while he kneels down to pick it up but when he finds it he remains in the kneeling position. She asks him why he's still kneeling. He asks her to marry him and she's totally fuckin shocked.
Really? I saw this shit comin a million miles away and I've only known about your relationship for about a minute and a half. Don't women fantasize about this kind of shit? The only thing I hate more than delusional people are people who don't recognize the delusion when it comes true.
The scene cuts away from her acceptance of his proposal to some guy hugging a toilet, literally. Two thugs bang down the door so they can give him some cocaine. The guy who receives the cocaine is called Alex. He's also a complete douche, i.e. the villain. After forcefully removing two sinfully hot hookers from his bed, he empties out the contents of the baggy of cocaine onto a table as to snort it. And by the way, this is the most unrealistic cocaine ever. If I had to guess what they used, I'd say it was probably Splenda. And if you're reading this and think cocaine actually does look like Splenda, do yourself a favor; buy an eight ball, call into work and have some fun.
Next scene starts with our lovely couple on a beach at night presumably after their dinner. They're talking about how happy they are when it hastily cuts away to the interior of a car where we see our cocaine bearing cronies and Alex sitting and listening to some music that is a bit too loud. I don't know if the music is that way because they like the song or because the editor of this film was really shitty. Either way, one of the cronies sees our lovely couple sitting on the beach and we realize that both groups of people are at the same location.
It's interesting to know that romantic couples and criminals share the same taste in scenic views.
Alex randomly decides that he wants to rape the woman so they get out of the car and beat the crap out of the man (whose name is Luke by the way). Alex then has the best dialogue of the film: "I'm gonna fuck your girl like she's never been fucked before. Then I'm gonna fuck you".
Whoa dude! Really? It's not enough that you're gonna rape someone, you're gonna double down? Dude must have ice water in his veins. He's probably gonna top the night off with throwing new born kittens at passing trains.
The plot being set into motion, our hero wakes up in the hospital with a ridiculously hot woman standing over him. This is Detective Pauline. We'll call her Pauly. She informs Luke that she is a detective and that she is working his case and she'll do all she can. She leaves as Luke's brother walks in. This is Matt. He gives Luke a stack of comic books to read because Matt thought that he might be getting bored.
I'm guessing that this is supposed to be an allusion to the "Vigilante" idea but it falls flat and just makes me want to punch someone in the face for cheapening comic books.
Later Luke's physical therapist comes in and introduces himself. After establishing a rapport with Luke, the trainer tells him that he is also an MMA fighter and would be happy to show Luke a few moves.
How convenient.
Months pass and Luke finally leaves the hospital and is headed home when he runs into Pauly. She says that the case has gone cold but she's still working on it. He says thanks and they part ways.
After a whole lot of Luke going to clubs and getting into fights, he shows up at the trainer's house to do some actual MMA training.
The next twenty minutes is nothing but montage after montage of Luke training to be some kind of bad ass fighter. After this was over, I went back and synced it up with the song "That's Called A Montage" from South Park (Season 6, Episode 3). Epic win.
Once the shenanigans ended, the trainer tells Luke that he needs to start hitting the weights, so Luke goes on down to the local gym and guess who he runs into; Detective Pauly. She shamelessly flirts with him and then realizes that it may be "too soon" for him to start dating.
I too thought this was the case, but Luke informs us that it's been two years since his fiance died and agrees to go on a date with Pauly.
This is the first mention of the fiance since the rape scene. Apparently the writer(s) just forgot about her.
Also, I didn't know that a twenty minute montage equaled two years of real time, but then again I'm not an expert in montage-ology (the science of the montage).
There's yet another montage of their date and subsequent sex scene which, by the way, is scored by seventies porno music. Very classy.
The next scene opens with Pauly eating a bowl of cereal out of a squarish looking bowl while Luke collects his things and is preparing to go. They talk about the previous night and decide that they belong together and are going to have dinner tomorrow night.
One quick thing; I absolutely hate squarish bowls. A bowl should be round. End of story. There is absolutely no way for someone to get all the liquid out of said bowl without looking like a hobo. Whoever fashioned that design of dish ware needs to be dragged out in the street and shot.
So having all this training, Luke goes and kicks some criminal ass using his awesome MMA fighting skills. However his antics cause the police to take notice. So at dinner with Pauly a couple scenes later, they start talking about this "Vigilante". He defends the actions of his alter ego while Pauly condemns the masked man. Somehow the convo degrades into a discussion of the circumstances regarding Luke's fiances death and she offends him when she says, "Who takes their lover out for a stroll at midnight? You're just asking for it!".
Thank you Detective for saying the thing I have been pondering throughout the entire film.
Luke storms off and does another crime fighting montage.
That shit got real annoying, real quick by the way.
Anyway, it moves kinda fast after that. Luke goes on a rampage and figures out that Alex was the guy who killed and raped his fiance, and decides to go after him. But when he gets to Alex's house, Pauly is waiting for him and tries to convince him not to go after Alex. They argue. She pulls a gun on him and he KNOCKS HER THE FUCK OUT!!! Fucking brilliant, right?
So he gets inside and battles Alex's two cronies from the beginning of the film. They beat him and tie him up. Luke comes to with Alex reprimanding the lackeys for tuning him up too much. The cronies decide to quit and Alex shoots them. I'm sure that wasn't the severance package they were looking for.
Alex challenges Luke to a fist fight and Luke beats him soundly. But before he can deliver the death blow, Pauly shows up.
Bummer. I really wanted this guy to get some satisfaction.
Seeing an opening, Alex grabs his pistol and shoots Pauly in the shoulder, who shoots back and kills Alex. Pauly tells Luke to run away as she doesn't want him implicated in the shooting.
Luke and Pauly meet up later where he promises that he will give up his "Vigilante" ways and the credits roll.
This film showed me two things; One, you can't even trust an island of criminals to make a decent movie ABOUT criminals.
And two,

Worst movie ever.