Vigilante

A lot of vigilantes have graced TV screens over the years: Batman, The Crow, Green Hornet. Hell, I'll even give you MacGyver and Knight Rider for shits and giggles. They all had a reason for their own brand of justice but none as ridiculous or nearly as trivial as "Vigilante".
Vigilante is not only the title of the next film to run the gauntlet of this publication, but also the name of the jewelry selling millionaire by day, crime fighter by night hero of said film. The narrative of the story doesn't start until after we see a masked man in some kind of Ford vehicle pursuing and capturing a group of meth addicts who have just robbed a store of some kind. He catches up with them and ties them all together in a stereotypical gift for Johnny Law.
At this point I thought about turning it off, but I realized that everyone had an Australian accent. Upon the realization that this is a crappy FOREIGN film, I pressed on but not before asking a few meta questions.
One, why is his ski mask so crappy? It really looked like someone bought a big black beanie and cut some holes in it. Not unlike the one that Rocco puts on right before they ice Ron Jeremy's character in Boondock Saints.
Two, why is he driving a Ford? As we learned from Britt Reid, the best crime fighting is done in a Chrysler Imperial. Although I did go back and check what kind of car it was: a Ford XR8. I checked it out online but from everything I read, it seems like the kind of thing a dad going through a mid-life crisis would buy so he could pick up his mistress AND his kids from soccer practice in style.
Anyway, the story actually begins with a flash back in which a very unassuming white guy is having dinner with a smokin hot supermodel in an obviously fake restaurant setting. He asks if she's having a good birthday and she asks him where her present is.
This is why I hate birthdays. People are always assuming that everybody else gives a shit and has bought them some sort of gift for existing another year. Shouldn't that be a gift in and of itself? Shouldn't you be glad that you live in a time that twenty-five isn't over the hill, where you can live without threat of dying from the Plague?!
Also, this is probably why I'm still single.
So the harpy gets her way and the schmuck produces a set of diamond earrings. She says she wants to wear them now and while trying to put them on she drops one. She makes a face while he kneels down to pick it up but when he finds it he remains in the kneeling position. She asks him why he's still kneeling. He asks her to marry him and she's totally fuckin shocked.
Really? I saw this shit comin a million miles away and I've only known about your relationship for about a minute and a half. Don't women fantasize about this kind of shit? The only thing I hate more than delusional people are people who don't recognize the delusion when it comes true.
The scene cuts away from her acceptance of his proposal to some guy hugging a toilet, literally. Two thugs bang down the door so they can give him some cocaine. The guy who receives the cocaine is called Alex. He's also a complete douche, i.e. the villain. After forcefully removing two sinfully hot hookers from his bed, he empties out the contents of the baggy of cocaine onto a table as to snort it. And by the way, this is the most unrealistic cocaine ever. If I had to guess what they used, I'd say it was probably Splenda. And if you're reading this and think cocaine actually does look like Splenda, do yourself a favor; buy an eight ball, call into work and have some fun.
Next scene starts with our lovely couple on a beach at night presumably after their dinner. They're talking about how happy they are when it hastily cuts away to the interior of a car where we see our cocaine bearing cronies and Alex sitting and listening to some music that is a bit too loud. I don't know if the music is that way because they like the song or because the editor of this film was really shitty. Either way, one of the cronies sees our lovely couple sitting on the beach and we realize that both groups of people are at the same location.
It's interesting to know that romantic couples and criminals share the same taste in scenic views.
Alex randomly decides that he wants to rape the woman so they get out of the car and beat the crap out of the man (whose name is Luke by the way). Alex then has the best dialogue of the film: "I'm gonna fuck your girl like she's never been fucked before. Then I'm gonna fuck you".
Whoa dude! Really? It's not enough that you're gonna rape someone, you're gonna double down? Dude must have ice water in his veins. He's probably gonna top the night off with throwing new born kittens at passing trains.
The plot being set into motion, our hero wakes up in the hospital with a ridiculously hot woman standing over him. This is Detective Pauline. We'll call her Pauly. She informs Luke that she is a detective and that she is working his case and she'll do all she can. She leaves as Luke's brother walks in. This is Matt. He gives Luke a stack of comic books to read because Matt thought that he might be getting bored.
I'm guessing that this is supposed to be an allusion to the "Vigilante" idea but it falls flat and just makes me want to punch someone in the face for cheapening comic books.
Later Luke's physical therapist comes in and introduces himself. After establishing a rapport with Luke, the trainer tells him that he is also an MMA fighter and would be happy to show Luke a few moves.
How convenient.
Months pass and Luke finally leaves the hospital and is headed home when he runs into Pauly. She says that the case has gone cold but she's still working on it. He says thanks and they part ways.
After a whole lot of Luke going to clubs and getting into fights, he shows up at the trainer's house to do some actual MMA training.
The next twenty minutes is nothing but montage after montage of Luke training to be some kind of bad ass fighter. After this was over, I went back and synced it up with the song "That's Called A Montage" from South Park (Season 6, Episode 3). Epic win.
Once the shenanigans ended, the trainer tells Luke that he needs to start hitting the weights, so Luke goes on down to the local gym and guess who he runs into; Detective Pauly. She shamelessly flirts with him and then realizes that it may be "too soon" for him to start dating.
I too thought this was the case, but Luke informs us that it's been two years since his fiance died and agrees to go on a date with Pauly.
This is the first mention of the fiance since the rape scene. Apparently the writer(s) just forgot about her.
Also, I didn't know that a twenty minute montage equaled two years of real time, but then again I'm not an expert in montage-ology (the science of the montage).
There's yet another montage of their date and subsequent sex scene which, by the way, is scored by seventies porno music. Very classy.
The next scene opens with Pauly eating a bowl of cereal out of a squarish looking bowl while Luke collects his things and is preparing to go. They talk about the previous night and decide that they belong together and are going to have dinner tomorrow night.
One quick thing; I absolutely hate squarish bowls. A bowl should be round. End of story. There is absolutely no way for someone to get all the liquid out of said bowl without looking like a hobo. Whoever fashioned that design of dish ware needs to be dragged out in the street and shot.
So having all this training, Luke goes and kicks some criminal ass using his awesome MMA fighting skills. However his antics cause the police to take notice. So at dinner with Pauly a couple scenes later, they start talking about this "Vigilante". He defends the actions of his alter ego while Pauly condemns the masked man. Somehow the convo degrades into a discussion of the circumstances regarding Luke's fiances death and she offends him when she says, "Who takes their lover out for a stroll at midnight? You're just asking for it!".
Thank you Detective for saying the thing I have been pondering throughout the entire film.
Luke storms off and does another crime fighting montage.
That shit got real annoying, real quick by the way.
Anyway, it moves kinda fast after that. Luke goes on a rampage and figures out that Alex was the guy who killed and raped his fiance, and decides to go after him. But when he gets to Alex's house, Pauly is waiting for him and tries to convince him not to go after Alex. They argue. She pulls a gun on him and he KNOCKS HER THE FUCK OUT!!! Fucking brilliant, right?
So he gets inside and battles Alex's two cronies from the beginning of the film. They beat him and tie him up. Luke comes to with Alex reprimanding the lackeys for tuning him up too much. The cronies decide to quit and Alex shoots them. I'm sure that wasn't the severance package they were looking for.
Alex challenges Luke to a fist fight and Luke beats him soundly. But before he can deliver the death blow, Pauly shows up.
Bummer. I really wanted this guy to get some satisfaction.
Seeing an opening, Alex grabs his pistol and shoots Pauly in the shoulder, who shoots back and kills Alex. Pauly tells Luke to run away as she doesn't want him implicated in the shooting.
Luke and Pauly meet up later where he promises that he will give up his "Vigilante" ways and the credits roll.
This film showed me two things; One, you can't even trust an island of criminals to make a decent movie ABOUT criminals.
And two,

Worst movie ever.