The 7 Adventures of Sinbad

I guess I'll start this one with the cover because that's what I was drawn to. It has a bunch of mythical creatures on it; cyclops, flying dinosaur things, giant squid, poorly rendered ax, the whole shebang. Then it goes bad in a ridiculously awesome way. We see a man assumed to be the hero and a woman assumed to be the heroine/love interest. But something is amiss. What could it be? I'll give you a hint... THEY HAVE FUCKING GUNS!!! Since when did Sinbad have fucking firearms? Oh, and the tag line, "The Original Prince of Persia". What the fuck does that mean? Are they insinuating that Prince of Persia (a video game) ripped off this shit brick of a movie? What are these people smoking; heroin filled tampons? Christ..
Anyway, the movie starts with an oil tanker off the coast of Madagascar getting hijacked by pirates. I would say that this has some sort of racist undertone to it but let's face it, Africa has pirates. Just like in Wall-E when you learn that all the humans have become fat; we all assume it's an allegory of Americans. America equals fat people. Africa equals pirates. And elephants. And machetes. Okay that last bit might have been racist.
Moving on.
So the pirates threaten to blow up the ship unless they get ten million dollars ransom.
Enter our hero; Sinbad, shipping mogul and lady killer. He decides to pay them or shoot them. That's never really finalized because on his way to the ship, his helicopter crashes in the ocean. Also, a giant squid pulls the tanker to the bottom of the ocean. At this point, the squid seems like a non-sequitur, but he/she/it is somehow important later.
After some kind of ocean hoodoo, Sinbad wakes up on a beach with no injuries. Already, you can see why I chose this movie, right?
Anyway, he finds his case that has his gun and money in it and is then startled by an eight foot tall crab. There's a fight, Sinbad tries to shoot it but apparently in this sideways world crab's shells are made of Kevlar. And as he's fighting this beast, all I can think is, "I bet the guys from 'Deadliest Catch' would have a field day here". But the crab ends up taking the case of money (like anybody would take American currency on this fucked up island anyway) and he leaves as Sinbad just keeps yelling "CRAB! GIANT CRAB! CRAAAAAB!".
Fast forward a bit, he's met up with a few of his peeps from the tanker that went down which, by the way, is sitting on the bottom of the Indian Ocean (incoherent plot anyone?). So he gets to their camp and they have a makeshift shelter with a tarp for a ceiling.
Where the fuck did they get a blue tarp? I guess Wal-Mart really is everywhere.
Shortly after this, the gang starts walking through the forest to try and find better reception for their GPS that somehow made it through this ordeal. Two things; one, the GPS can't tell where they are but can somehow inform them of the bulkhead stresses in the tanker that is sitting at the bottom of the ocean. Two, if they're supposed to be in the tropics, why the fuck is it a forest and not a jungle? A little realism please.
But while traversing this wooded area, they come upon a native looking woman who can somehow speak English. She leads them to some caves depicting Sinbad's trials and the end of the world. Double trouble, right? But wait! The ground starts shaking and they exit the caves only to be thrown into the ocean off a cliff. They look back and they see the island transform into a whale with trees growing on it's back.
Pause.
I really can't make this shit up. I will give mad credit to the writers for being able to write this massive of a fuck up.
Un-pause.
So they're all floating in the ocean clinging to a bamboo raft that came out of absolutely nowhere and some of the flying dinosaurs from the cover snatch them out of the water to feed their over-sized spawn that reside on some nearby island. I'm totally shocked when the black actor who has had no lines is the first to die in the jaws of one of these leather winged beings. Somehow the remaining people escape and make it to a cave. While they are hiding from the lofty death maidens, the mouth of the cave collapses. So they do what anyone in a crappy B film would do; somehow find ready made torches and light them with a water-logged zippo. Which is amazing because I can't get my zippo to work if I'm even thinking about liquid, which makes things difficult at the bar.
At this point, the heroine/native/love interest decides to let Sinbad in on the fact that he has to complete seven trials in order to save the world. Just like that. No foreplay or anything. And I don't remember exactly what she said in her Indian accent (Cochise not Kumar), but it hovered around, "God of sea, biggum frackin pissed". I'm sure her uncle is crying on a street corner watching some white guy throw trash out of his car window.
Anywho, the story moves forward. They find the cyclops and somehow make him trip using crappy nylon rope. He falls into a stalagmite and dies. Bully for Sinbad. They get out of the cave and the native girl tells us how she got there. When she was a child, her father took her up in a hot air balloon to study oceanography and to answer the questions of the world.
I got a question; WHERE THE FUCK WAS CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES? Clearly this man is a few tacos short of a combo platter. What kind of fucking parent does that? And a fucking balloon? Did we stumble into the nineteenth century? But for all I know he had a bet with someone about whether or not he could circumvent the globe in eighty days.
After this touching back story, the men of the group are seduced by some Sirens. But these were no ordinary Sirens. They were half naked and can only be described as the second string strippers that work Wednesday afternoons. And we can only assume they have some sort of paranormal powers because the boobage was definitely not doing it. Either way, they get the guys back to camp, and are about to kill them when our heroine/native/love interest/abused child shows up and cleans house by killing the evil junior varsity hookers. But as she is trying to help Sinbad up, one of the crazy lot lizards comes charging with a knife. Sinbad comes to the rescue by picking up a makeshift spear, (which the lady of the night runs into) and after she's dead he says, "Stick around".
I can already see the Oscar nod.
The rest goes pretty quick. Sinbad and Woman end up in a camp of other exiles where apparently they are doomed to re-enact Lord of the Flies. Chaos ensues and they find themselves searching for meteor rocks in a volcano.
Oh, and I'm not leaving anything out. It really goes this fast.
They get to the volcano and Sinbad repels down to find some rocks, but not before telling Woman to blow up the volcano with some claymore mines he happened to have.
While repelling down for these magic rocks, he meets what I can only call Satan. Horns, wings, fire, tail. All that was missing was a pitch fork. Anyway, he tells Woman to blow the mines. She does. She thinks he's dead. He's not.
After a weird make out scene, they realize that the rocks from Satan's lair give off steam when in contact with water. So they do what anyone would.
They inflate a hot air balloon. Presumably the same one Woman rode in on.
They get off the island and end up on a boat and finally in Qatar where his business headquarters happen to be.
Sinbad and Woman use an experimental submersible to raise the tanker from the depths, but not before getting into an underwater fight with the giant squid. They use all the power of the machine to raise the tanker, and are left thinking they will die in the deep.
But wait! The giant squid saves them.
And that makes perfect sense. I guess he/she/it felt bad for causing the whole fucking problem in the first place. Now he/she/it is only a half douche bag.
It ends in a PSA with millions of barrels of oil spilling into the ocean and our heroes vowing to clean it up.
And though it may sound horrible, but at least when BP did it, they did it without blaming a giant squid.


Most definitely
Worst Movie Ever...

Open House

So when I saw this movie in the pre-street drawer at work, I thought that by the cover that it couldn't be that bad. I mean we got Tricia Helfer, Anna Paquin, AND Stephen Moyer? And for those geeks out there, we've got Caprica 6, Sookie, and Bill Compton all together; this has to be some kind of goodness, right? And I was almost correct, but mostly wrong.
It starts as an unassuming realtor shows a house that he clearly can't sell. And it's not because the house sucks, but because of his apparent lack of faith in the economy (I chalk it up to his lack of talent, both as an actor and salesman). It is clear later that he knows the owner of the house personally and wants to fuck her because she is recently divorced. Fucking cliche. But never fear, he gets his. Oh, sorry, *SPOILER ALERT*. Apologies for the late notice.
Anyway, apparently some creepy guy stalked the house and figured it was a good mark for him and his assumed(?) girlfriend to inhabit. I thought that was going to be the start of a good arc, but (shockingly) I was wrong. Creepy guy kills Sookie in minute nine. Then he stuffs the owner of the house, Rachel Blanchard(better known as Cher Horowitz from the "Clueless" TV series), into a crawl space that no one knows about, chained to a post.
And all this would be fine, but this drags on for ten minutes until I finally see Bill Compton enter the house to ask Cher if he can get his golf clubs (Cher and Bill are a newly divorced couple BTW). But wait, who does he see in the hot tub out back? DA-NA-NAH! Caprica 6! She ends up seducing him and all I can think is, "A cylon and a vampire having sex in a hot tub? FINALLY! BEST PORN EVER! But alas, she stabs him in the neck "in flagrate delicto" while the whole thing was filmed by the creepy stalker guy. We'll call him "David". Mainly cause that's his character's name.
Somehow it was still hot.
So Bill dies in minute nineteen. Huge bummer for me because I now know I'll not get to hear him say "Sookie" in his long drawn southern drawl. And while we're on the subject, his English accent really fucks up the whole thing for me. I know he's not really from Bon Temps Louisiana, but that's how I like him.
Moving on, They end up killing a bunch of people. And at this point in the film, they never say what they are doing with the bodies. At one point, they eat dinner and then Cap 6 says, as she's getting ready for bed, that the previous owner of this house had good taste. I immediately think cannibalism. And I won't have a yay or nay till the very end.
The story goes on with David letting Cher out of the crawl space now and again to stretch her lags. They get acquainted and you expect some kind of Stockholm shit to happen. At one point her maid comes over and she writes them a check that says, "Call Police". David sees this from somewhere off screen and freaks out by killing the maid. Then he takes off his belt and beats her.
Enter best dialogue of the movie, "I'm sorry I beat you".
WHAT? Isn't that a direct quote from the abusers handbook? Perhaps that what made up her mind to steal a dinner knife and try to saw her way out of the crawl space. Seriously, she tried to saw..... never mind, it's fucking stupid.
It ends up with a lot people dead, no cannibalism, and Cap 6 having only one eye.
Oh, by the way David and Cap 6 may or may not be fraternal twins. Da fuck right?
And through all this, I know Tricia Helfer may be a psychotic swinger with multiple STD's, but I might still have some sort of sexual relations with her; perhaps even if it meant immediate death.
Even still...


Worst movie ever.

Mega Piranha

HO-LY-SHI-TA. This one really stretched the limit of my ability not to murder. Let's just start with the tag line on the cover: "They were invented to save humanity; Something went wrong". Well no shit Sherlock! You invented giant fucking killer fish and expected it to pan out? And even though that aspect of the film is never truly addressed, I can still accept it because it is by far not the biggest pill to swallow.
First of all, the entire film is shot like a bad episode of "24". I kept expecting to see Keifer show up and yell "CTU! Hands up!" at any moment. The frame side push and ridiculous side-by-side scenes really start to wear on the viewer.
Then we learn that Barry Williams is the Secretary of State. He's a fucking Brady for God's sake! Oh, not to mention the fact that later in the film he is authorized to conduct a nuclear strike on the Florida panhandle. REALLY!?! Really?
We are also supposed to believe that Tiffany is a genetics professor from UCLA. And that she's in Venezuela conducting research on local wildlife (oh, and apparently she is the one who made the huge fucking death monsters). And she's a member of Greenpeace. I don't know why that's relevant to the story, but they feel the need to tell you.
Anyway, the main protagonist/beefcake/HGH addict/navy seal gets to Venezuela to investigate a possible terrorist attack when an American diplomat dies. He finds out it's giant fish and tells the local junta Colonel that they need to be stopped. So the Colonel being a military man decides to kill them by shooting them with machine guns from a helicopter. At this point, and I shit you not, protagonist tells the Colonel, "Sir, this plan is FUBARed!". WTF? Who actually writes the word FUBARed into a script? Eric Forsberg that's who. If you meet this man, do us all a favor and cut off his hands so he can't curse any of us with shit like this again.
And I haven't even mentioned the extras. The majority of this film is based in Venezuela yet, all the Colonel's lackeys seem to be from orange county. Seriously. It's like looking at a group of Colin Hanks impersonators.
Oh and the car chase scene. The car being chased was a Hyundai. No body drives a Hyundai. Especially people in Venezuela. The car doing the chasing kept morphing between an Isuzu, Explorer, Navigator, and Suburban. Nuf said there.
The best scene of the film is tied between the thirty second underwater fish knife fighting scene, or when the protagonist picked up a flare gun, shot into a guys mouth, and his head exploded. If you'd have seen either, I'm sure you'd be torn too.
In the end, they decide to nuke the fish of the coast of the Florida keys. But our plucky, muscle laden hero says if only he could dive in the water with the killer aquatic creatures, he's sure he could get them all to go on a feeding frenzy if he could just kill one of them.
DA FUCK?
What kind of logic is this? You're still gonna have one left over at the end of the frenzy. Your still going to have one hermaphroditic, pissed off, huge fucking, underwater killer.
But contrary to LOGIC, his plan prevails and he fades into the sunset with Tiffany.
And as the credits roll you can almost hear, "I think we're alone now, there aren't anymore piranha around".

Worst movie ever.

Bandslam

This movie is a classic example of teen pulp. Story presents. Story rises. Story conflicts. Story resolves.

I can forgive a lack of character development due to the fact that I have seen Vanessa Hudgens' naked breast, but for the first two-thirds of the movie we are expected to assume too much of skill or general high school human nature.

How is it that so many people in one high school are so musically inclined? Since the film is set in New Jersey, we can only assume from the fact that so many good Indy bands emerge there (in the film) that they should all get record deals. However this film suggests that only one high school band can get a record contract in, what I can only call, a crappy battle of the bands reminiscent of "School Of Rock".

Hudgens steps up near the end and only does so because she feels a strange romantic connection to the strange, almost Jew nose-son of Lisa Kudrow (who by the way gives what I can only call a break out performance [due to circumstance]), and then only does a cover of a song that we understand that she knows because of an all too brief encounter with the Hudgens' character's mother.

They practice under false pretence and lose. Shocker because it makes them better people because of it.

Should we care?

Fuck no.

Worst movie ever...