The Telling

I got a joke for you: What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? She walks home.
I heard this joke today and was inspired to do a sorority girl. Movie. A sorority girl movie.
Damn, maybe Freud was right.
Whatever the case, this movie at its core was about acceptance. Or maybe the lack of acceptance.
Our story begins as all these movies do; the rejection of an overly wannabe pledge from an overly stuck up sorority. This attractive but unassuming brunette is told that she should try joining a WHORE-rority instead of a SO-rority.
I'm sorry, I was under the impression that the two words were synonyms.
Regardless of the semantic nature of the argument, the pledge storms off as the gaggle of whorettes cackles behind her. Then the pledge does what anyone in her situation would do; has a psychotic break. She puts on a copious amount of lipstick and writes "You Made Me Do This" on a mirror before downing a bottle of pills chased by vodka resulting ultimately in her death. Another hot chick finds her, screams and the screen goes black.

ONE YEAR LATER...

I'm kind of glad they used this device as it saved me from having to witness the fallout that is Greek politics.

So after this whole year passing it is of course time for another pledge class. The scene begins with what we can assume are the members of this coveted sorority; the girls of Omega Kappa Kappa. They usher in three, by comparison, rather plain looking women. These are the new pledges. I say by comparison because all the sisters look as though they ARE strippers or they are TRAINING to be strippers. You know, the good one's that work at all nude joints and provide special services to select clientele, i.e. people who are willing to pay for STDs.
The queen of these future senators wives, who we shall call Kali (short for Kalimah), tells these recruits that in order to be accepted into their ranks, they must first tell a scary story. She says that she LOVES horror stories.
When she said that I was distracted as she was leaning over, so what I heard her say was that she loves "whore" stories.
I'm starting to think Freud was underrated.
Unable to decide which girl should go first, she singles them out based on what kind of refreshment they brought for the party. The first girl, Tonya, had pretzels. Kali says, "I'm in the mood for something salty".
I hate the easy ones. The jokes and the women.
So Tonya sits down and starts her story.

We are introduced to a beautiful blonde woman who's boyfriend has volunteered to let his ex-girlfriend (Ex) stay with them while she is looking an apartment. We can already see that this is no good.
One day, boyfriend (BF) brings back a creepy looking doll he found in a dumpster and gives it to his girlfriend (GF).
What the fuck is this guy thinking? A creepy doll. That he admitted he got from the trash. Even I have more suave than this guy. And I'm still single. Maybe I just don't understand women.
Anyway, he winds it up and it says shit like, "I love you" and "you're special". She loves it but thinks it a bit creepy.
Later when all three are having dinner, GF shows Ex what BF has brought her. Ex thinks it cute.
Of course she would. She's the supposed antagonist. Fucking supposed antagonists.
After dinner, GF is cleaning up and sets some wine glasses next to the doll who is sitting on the counter. GF turns around after hearing some glass breaking. She sees that the glasses have fallen off the counter and are now broken.
Ominous foreshadowing out of the way, we cut to the bedroom where BF and GF are in bed. BF makes a play for some squishy but GF is having none of it. She says she "feels weird" doing it with Ex in the house.
Typical fucking woman.
BF storms out and GF has a staring contest with the doll.
Upon waking, GF realizes that not only had BF come back to bed during the night but the doll is now resting on his crotch.
She chastises him for having some kind of doll sex, which by the way he completely denies. He laughs it off and they move on with their day.
Side note: If a woman caught me having doll sex, it would be a deal breaker. Just sayin.
Later that day, GF starts hearing voices. She finds that its coming from the doll. Yes, we know the doll can talk. But wait, now the doll is saying personal things; things like, "I want him all to myself" and "Worst Movie Ever is the best blog in the world".

Okay, I made that last one up but that doesn't make it any less true.

She throws the doll across the room and there it stays until BF gets home.
Since Ex is out apartment hunting GF decides that sexytime is a go and they get after it right in front of the doll.
Where is the logic here? She can't fuck with Ex in the next room but she can go carnal in front of a possessed doll?
Apparently this pissed of the doll. The next day as BF was napping and GF was taking a bath, Ex is downstairs watching TV. Ex hears the little pitter-patter of feet and goes to the kitchen to investigate. She opens a cabinet from which she hears a doll-like giggle and gets stabbed to death.
GF hears this and goes to investigate. She finds Ex in a pool of blood and sees little foot prints leading away. She follows them and finds the doll sitting on a a frayed wire. She goes to pick it up and, since she just got out of the tub, she get electrocuted. BF hears her scream and comes down to find the bloody body and the body of his beloved. As he's crying, the doll says, "I hope they have conjugal visits where you're going".
Lame.

That being the end of Tonya's story, she gets up and the second orator is chosen. We are gonna call this girl Blonde Pledge because that was her title in the credits. She brought wine by the way, but that fact is hardly important.

This story starts with an introduction to a blonde actress slightly past her prime. She is having a hard time finding work because no one thinks she's pretty anymore.
My first thought? Porn.
She tells her agent that she'll do ANY movie so long as it draws a paycheck. He has a difficult time finding one.
Again, porn.
The agent finally finds her a job in a European horror film. She travels to some eastern bloc country and meets the director of said film. He asks if she'll have a drink with him and she reluctantly agrees.
A few things here: First, the director has a midget butler. Super fucking cool. Second, they are drinking Absinthe. And I hate to be some kind of a hipster here but if you haven't had it, you just don't know what I'm talking about.
So she has some super weird hallucinations involving a half naked female prison guard with fairy wings before she wakes up and finds an invitation to dinner later that night.
When she arrives to dinner, we see that the eight people sitting around this table are wearing Carnevale masks. Our protagonist seems to chalk all this up to Europeans being weird.
Clearly she's met a few.
As they start to have dinner, the director asks the actress if she knows about the history of film. She says no. He tells her that the first thing that man recorded cinematically was death. He snaps his fingers and a montage of early execution films rolls on the screen behind him. She's disgusted by this but he tells her that she must keep watching. At this point he introduces the rest of the cast to her. These are the other people around the table.
As they remove their masks, she realizes that they are all zombies. The director explains that when you are a part of a film that involves death, you never really die. The actress freaks out but is overpowered by the butler.
Who is a midget.
Midget butler.
Still awesome.
When she comes to, they are shooting the film and she passes out again. The next time we see her she has become immortal like the other members of the cast and says "I'm ready for my close up".
How dare you quote Gloria Swanson!
Lame.

By this time, I'm really annoyed with this movie as a whole. However I know that, like these girls, I have to keep choking it down until this thing is finished.
The next girl brought cookies and all the sisters eat one. This girl's name is Haylee. This is her story.

This narrative starts with three girls. Three super bitchy girls. They want to go to a movie that's super popular. They leave to go see said film, but it's sold out. They go back home and decide to prank call random people. Mainly because they're young and stupid, but mostly because they're young and stupid.
Anyway, they end up hearing a murder on the other end of the phone and they hang up. Of course the murderer calls them back and says he's gonna find and kill them all.
They hang up and argue about whether or not they should call the police.
Why the fuck would you not call the police? You haven't done anything wrong. I could understand this reaction to the police if they were minorities or something but they were white. White people have nothing to fear from the police because all the police are white. That's just basic logic.
They end up calling the cops and eventually one comes to the door. After the basic interview, one of the girls puts doubt in our mind that he might not be a cop because he seems "sweaty and weird".
She didn't mention the fact that he didn't have a mustache or the fact the that he didn't show his badge or the fact that he was carrying a thirty year old revolver as his service weapon.
This must be what they mean by women's intuition. Because it's clearly always wrong.
However you define it, the cop goes to take a look around the house.
The girls split up. One of them goes to her own room. She dies. One of the other girls goes looking for her. She finds the dead girl and then goes back to check on the girl she left.
Shockingly, that girl is dead.
Again, if you are ever in a horror movie situation never, FOR ANY REASON, split up.
Finding her dead friend, she goes to the front door and opens it to find the cop. He comes in and says there has been some suspicious activity around the house. She shows the cop the bodies and becomes convinced that he is the killer. She stabs him with a pair of scissors, steals his gun and then shoots him with it.
As she walks into the hall, she meets the real killer who dispatches her soundly.
End of story.
Lame to the third power.

Kaylee's story ends and she sits down. Kali then tells us that all of this has been a ruse and she reveals that none of the three girls will be selected to be future sisters.
That's a bitch move Santa.
But as the three girls slink out of the room, all the sisters start choking and vomiting. Why you ask? Because Haylee poisoned the cookies. Yet again, we ask why. Because Haylee is the half sister of the girl who committed suicide in the beginning of the film. Haylee explains how she has hated them and blah blah blah.
Then, right before Kali dies she says, "We may be dead, but you're still a loser".

Okay, that's fine. I'll still take loser over dead hooker-skank any day.


Worst movie ever.