Best 10 Of The Last Decade. And By Best I Mean Worst.

It occurred to me yesterday that one, I hadn't written an entry in this thing for a while and two, I had not ever done a top ten worst films of the last decade. I intend to rectify both points right now.

Before I start the countdown though, I'd like to give a few horrible mentions:

Dragonball: Evolution (2009): I'm not a big Dragonball Z fan but from what I understand, they royally fucked this one. Thanks Oscar for the hour and half explanation while we were slow at work.

From Justin to Kelly (2003): Is there anything worse than a movie that makes us relive the vomit that is American Idol? Probably not.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002): A lot of people say this movie was horrible. It was but I can't in good conscience put this in the top ten because Lucy Lui is WAY too damn hot.

Now the good stuff.
The countdown is as follows:

10. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000): How the fuck are you gonna make a sequel to the Blair Witch Project? That is the question everyone asked themselves when this travesty was announced. Then when we watched this horrendous excuse for a film we got our answer: it's not a sequel at all. This piece of shit was nothing more than an excuse to force teenage boys to buy movie tickets for teenage girls in the hopes that the riding of some scary coat tails could frighten off some inhibitions and get them laid. Success rate? Zero fucking percent.

9.Daredevil (2003): This is the first Ben Affleck movie on the list and while bad, definitely not his worst. Why they decided to make a movie out of Daredevil I will never know. He is arguably one of the lamest heroes in all of comic book history. I mean come on, he can see sound waves after being blinded by radioactive waste? REALLY? What's worse is that this POS spawned Elektra and we all know how well that turned out.

8. Gothika (2003): Did any of you guys watch this? Halle Berry works in a mental institution and kills her husband. But wait, did she? With the help of a ghost, she kills the sheriff that has some stupid tattoo that's supposed to have some significance to the film. FML.

7. I Know Who Killed Me (2007): Oh sweet Jesus, why?

6. Gigli (2003): Who gave money to Ben Affleck to make this movie? And why would they do such a thing? Who could possible be responsible for this? Jennifer Fucking Lopez, that's who. And that's where the lesson of this film comes from: just because you're fucking someone doesn't mean you need to give them money to spend on ridiculous shit.

5. The Island (2005): When I saw the trailer for this movie, I immediately asked the person next to me, "Is this a remake of 'Logan's Run'?". They responded with, "I don't know what 'Logan's Run' is, but Scarlett Johansson is fucking hot!". This must have been the general consensus because everybody I talked to loved this movie. It has the same plot and overall action as Logan's Run but the credits make absolutely no mention to the classic '76 sci-fi film. I mean for God's sake, the main characters have the same names. Thank you Michael Bay for directing this as it would lead to a long and illustrious career of me hating you.

4. 10,000 BC (2008): What the fuck was going on in these writers minds? First there is mammoth hunting. Then the main character goes over a mountain and across a desert to discover that his father who left when he was a child invented pre-modern agriculture. Then he runs into prehistoric ostrich-raptors all before he is enslaved by the Persians to help build the Great Pyramids. And did I mention that his prison was a steel cage that had hinges? Oh yeah, steel. And hinges. This movie makes Ice Age look like a documentary.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008): Fuck George Lucas and fuck Stephen Speilberg. Now that that's out of the way, I can start to hate this movie for real reasons. First of all, why Shia LaBeouf, why? I was such a fan and then you had to throw your name into this shit. And Russians? NO! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING NAZI'S! BOND HAS RUSSIANS, JONES HAS NAZI'S. THOSE ARE THE FUCKING RULES!!! And if that wasn't the shit in my cereal, the whole thing was about aliens!?! WTF.

2. Catwoman (2004): My brain explodes when I think of this movie. As I type I am literally bleeding from my ears. Not only did twenty eight (28) DIFFERENT writers fuck this one up, but Academy Award winner Halle Berry has absolutely no excuse here. I mean, I've never been a cat burglar but I sure as shit wouldn't be going on heists in ripped leather pants and an uncomfortable looking bra. Not to mention the fucktard helmet slash mask she wears. That shit really had to cut down on peripheral vision. And why did Catwoman "meow" all the time? Was she supposed to literally be part cat? As arguably the worst comic book movie ever made, this skid mark in the underpants of cinema easily deserves the number two spot on this list.

And finally,
1. Pearl Harbor (2001): This was the pre-mehatingMichaelBaydays as I thought that this film was a collaboration of fuck ups between writers, director, producers and cast. Hell, I'll even say that the Best Grip did a shitty job. Absolutely nothing about this film was redeeming barring the fifteen minutes that Cuba Gooding Jr was shootin down Japs with a .50 cal. And this movie is like three hours long. That's equal to two mildly less shitty movies. But yet again, we see Ben Affleck creep into another film on this list. I think I knew at this point in his career that I was going to hate him forever. He's just really bad. I mean, just awful. I think I'd rather stick my hand in the garbage disposal while I was forced to watch Teen Mom as I was ass raped by "The Situation" than watch another one of Affleck's films.

I know this might not be your ideal list of crappy movies, but this also isn't your fucking blog. Feel free to leave comments as to things I missed, and I'll feel free to ignore them.


Worst movies ever.